Looks like the personality matrix has gone through a remix again. I've put off admitting it, even to myself. Because writing it down makes it more true. But I haven't seen several alters in a long time, and we have been seeing a new one. It's time to admit it, I guess.
Me, Sam, and Rubi are still the 'Big Girls'.
Kiara and Paul are still the kids in the group.
Paul has settled with ages 3,9, and 15 pretty well.
I haven't seen Cherish or Stephanie in months.
I've quit hearing Gracelyn even inside, even when I ask for her, look for her.
I don't think they're coming back. I'm putting up their nametags, into their 'personal effects' boxes. If they return, then I'll bring the nametags back out. But like Jarett, I feel like they may be so far inside they won't return.
Silent One isn't there either. There have been situations where it should have come out, when I was hurting terribly and trying desperately to absent myself, and it just didn't come out. It surprised me. My last resort is gone. But there is the 'closet person' who has been coming out more. When everything gets loud and overwhelming, I've been wanting to just retreat into a small space. And on the occasion I can actually do so, it feels very calming and peaceful. I can lose the upset as long as I'm in that small space.
I talked about that one in this post before. It's time to name that one so I can refer to her. I'd like to reuse Gracelyn's nametag, which has GL on it. The flower on the tag feels right for the newer alter. So I do baby name searches, and I get:
Glayd, Glaide - meadow
Glaine, Glayn, Glayne - jewel
Glenys, Glinys - holy, fair one
Outside the name searches, I find a few other words that have some feeling about them that works:
Glass, Glance, Gleam, Glow
It's hard to match a name to an alter that doesn't just announce who they are. But I can 'see' her 'aura' brighten with the amount of pleasure she takes in each, as I focus inside. Again, English is inadequate here. Glass seems to please her the most. And once I wrote that sentence, she 'turned' and went further inside. I guess that's the answer then. Her name is Glass.
Goodbye, Cherish, Stephanie, and Gracelyn. Hello, Glass.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Fighting Continues [Me]
There have been so many stresses lately. If I'm not fighting with boyfriend, I'm fighting with the other. Oddly enough, I almost never fight with the Metamour, even though she's technically the prickliest person in the house. Probably because I'm not having sex with her. She and I don't have any claims on one another's time, so we hang out when we're together, and we're fine when we aren't. Easiest relationship.
I wish my relationship with either Boss or MK were more like that. Easy, I mean. Spending time together when it works. Loving each other from afar when it doesn't. But in order to be 'fair' to everyone, we schedule time. And nobody likes the schedule. Boss doesn't want me away from him when I'm scheduled to be with MK. MK wants more time with me somewhere. I feel like I don't have any time to myself except when I sneak it away from someone else. Nobody's happy.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Who bought it? [Me]
I came home tonight to a new fun thing I had bought. Or apparently bought. I got a receipt in my email for it a couple of days ago, and an email shipping notice. And it was charged to my card. The problem? I don't remember buying it.
Don't get me wrong, it's something I want; it was on my wishlist. But I don't remember making the decision to buy it. Which means either I bought it and lost that time retroactively, or someone else in my head bought it. The second is more likely, and that is Not Cool. Because no one is supposed to spend money without the okay from me. That's a way to get us all in some financial trouble, so the rule is that I control the money for us.
I looked at the date it was bought, and I was really messed up that day. It was the day after Thanksgiving; I had spent a lot more time at home than usual, which is not good for my state of mind; I've been having a lot of relationship issues with MK, in that we're pretty much just ignoring each other right now; I've been very switchy while finishing the book I blogged about last. So I could easily have okay'd the purchase and not remembered, or have made the purchase and lost the time. Or someone else came up front enough to buy something and didn't make me aware of it. These are all feasible scenarios.
If I knew who bought it, we'd have a discussion about it, and possibly send it back. But I can't get mad at someone else for buying it unless I know if it was someone else, and if so, who. And it is something I've wanted. So I'm keeping it. But I'll be watching more carefully to try to keep this from happening more.
Don't get me wrong, it's something I want; it was on my wishlist. But I don't remember making the decision to buy it. Which means either I bought it and lost that time retroactively, or someone else in my head bought it. The second is more likely, and that is Not Cool. Because no one is supposed to spend money without the okay from me. That's a way to get us all in some financial trouble, so the rule is that I control the money for us.
I looked at the date it was bought, and I was really messed up that day. It was the day after Thanksgiving; I had spent a lot more time at home than usual, which is not good for my state of mind; I've been having a lot of relationship issues with MK, in that we're pretty much just ignoring each other right now; I've been very switchy while finishing the book I blogged about last. So I could easily have okay'd the purchase and not remembered, or have made the purchase and lost the time. Or someone else came up front enough to buy something and didn't make me aware of it. These are all feasible scenarios.
If I knew who bought it, we'd have a discussion about it, and possibly send it back. But I can't get mad at someone else for buying it unless I know if it was someone else, and if so, who. And it is something I've wanted. So I'm keeping it. But I'll be watching more carefully to try to keep this from happening more.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Set This House In Order [Me]
I just started reading a book that looks like the author really gets being multiple. His 'About the Author' says he is not a multiple personality, but I would certainly believe he is. The way he words some things really sounds spot-on. I'm going to share some of them below. The book is Set This House In Order: A Romance of Souls, by Matt Ruff. The general story is two multiples that meet one another.
Last night, I read the first 120-ish pages. I really enjoyed reading it, but of course it left me really unsettled and switchy, jumpy even. But I liked it enough to keep reading. It's unusual to find a fiction book about multiples, let alone one written well and not casting a multiple in the role of a crazy serial killer or something. Or at least, I don't think this book is going to go that way.
Anyway, I'll continue reading the book when I'm stable enough to do so. I think reading it in shorter bursts may result in less switchiness.
Last night, I read the first 120-ish pages. I really enjoyed reading it, but of course it left me really unsettled and switchy, jumpy even. But I liked it enough to keep reading. It's unusual to find a fiction book about multiples, let alone one written well and not casting a multiple in the role of a crazy serial killer or something. Or at least, I don't think this book is going to go that way.
"[Some people] wonder how I could have an age without having a past. But I get puzzled, too: most people I know can't remember being born, and what's more, it doesn't bother them that they can't remember."Not remembering is part of being a person. I can't remember most of my life before my mid-twenties. I know the facts of it, but don't really have memories. Paul & Stephanie remember things that happened to different bodies. Most singletons can't remember their first few years. We keep some memories, files others as facts, and lose great piles of bland moments. So my 'keep' pile is several different piles, is all.
"Something else that puzzles me about other people is that a lot of them don't know their purpose in life. This usually dos bother them - more than not being able to remember being born, anyway - but I can't even imagine it. Part of knowing who I am is knowing why I am, and I've always known who I am, from the first moment."Not all of us came into being with a purpose, but some most certainly did. Cherish is here to belong to Boss, heart, soul, and body. Stephanie is here to suffer for him. Gracelyn exists to organize and support.
"We rented part of the first floor. The space was large but cluttered, clutter being an inevitable side effect of multiplicity, even if you make an effort to keep real-world possessions to a minimum. Just lying there in bed, and without even turning my head, I could see: Aunt Sam's easel, brushes, and paints, and two blank canvases; Adam's skateboard; Jake's stuffed panda; Seferis's kendo sword; my books; my father's books; Jake's little shelf of books; Adam's Playboy collection; Aunt Sam's stack of art prints..."It goes on with the list. Everyone wants to have a few (or a lot of) things of their own. When you have several people in a body, that turns into a lot of things. I have two rooms of my own. Upstairs is the kids' room, with Paul's legos, my Star Trek stuff, Kiara's books, colors, and toys, Baby Paul's toys, Paul's bootblacking stuff, some of my childhood and theatre mementos, and everyone's stuffed animals, and a closet full of theatre costumes, Paul's clothes, and Kiara's clothes. Downstairs is my 'office', with my books and musical instruments and clothes, along with anything owned by Cherish, Stephanie, Gracelyn, Sam, Silent One, or Rubi. All of them are pretty low-space on belongings, so that's primarily 'my' room.
"Jake [a child alter] really enjoys brushing for some reason, so I let him do it, stepping back into the pulpit and giving him the body. I stayed alert. Jake, as I've mentioned, is a child; but Andy Gage's body is adult and five-foot-seven, and hangs on Jake's soul like a suit of clothes many sizes too big. he moves clumsily in it, and often misjudges the distance between his extremities and the rest of the world; and as we've only got the one skull between us, if he bends over to get a dropped toothpaste cap and bashes his head on the corner of the sink, it is a group tragedy."Body disphoria sneaks in everywhere. When your arms are a couple of inches shorter or longer than you expect, everything becomes clumsy. Same with legs. Paul actually seems to handle it best; perhaps because adolescents are already dealing with that issue, so it's just more-so. Kiara drops things a lot, but is pretty cheerful about it.
"This is one of those metaphysical issues that people who aren't multiple have a hard time grasping. obviously in creating me, my father [another alter] had given me a great deal of practical knowledge. I [came about] knowing how to speak. I had a concept of the world and at least some of what was in it. I knew what dogs, snowflakes, and ferryboats were before I ever saw a real dog, snowflake, or ferryboat. So it may seem natural to ask, if my father could give me all that, why couldn't he also give me the know-how to [do his job]? For that matter, why couldn't he give me Aunt Sam's understanding of French, Seferis's martial-arts prowess, and Adam's knack for lie-dectecting?"There is a very disjointed set of knowledges in a multiple system. There's knowledge that everyone has, and then each person has their own set of knowledge. For instance, Kiara can barely type. She and Paul both hunt and peck, but his spelling is much better than hers. Then again, she's six; who expects her to be able to type? But why not? After all, I can type and spell extremely well. But when she looks at the keyboard, she can figure it out using some of my knowledge and some of her own.
Anyway, I'll continue reading the book when I'm stable enough to do so. I think reading it in shorter bursts may result in less switchiness.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
I have Dissociative Identity Disorder [Me]
About a month ago, I posted this note on my Facebook page:
And then I waited to see what would happen. Boss's mother said something supportive. Seven people liked it, including my mother. And that was it. Either people didn't read it, or people didn't care. I kind of wanted reactions. But I didn't. So that was interesting.
I have Dissociative Identity Disorder
October 27, 2014 at 12:48pm
A few weeks ago, one of those ribbon pictures (this one was green) went around Facebook. It said:Mental Illness Awareness Week is October 5-11.Many people I know reposted the ribbon, and declared the mental illness they are living with. I did too:
1 in 4 people live with mental illness.
Speak out and end the stigma.
I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. With the help of my friends and family, I am living healthily within my condition.
I had very mixed feelings about declaring my condition. There was a lot of fear. Posting that meant admitting it publicly, in writing. Most of the people I know already know that I'm a multiple. But not all of them. And it's Facebook; most people didn't even read what I wrote, and those who did were already friends, at least to the extent that I am friends with them on Facebook. But putting it out there in writing, where I couldn't control face-to-face who I'm telling, that was scary. So what was the backlash? Two friends 'liked' the post, both of whom already knew, and one of whom is a multiple herself. That was it.
I've thought about this for a couple of weeks, and I've decided I am ready to be more public about being a multiple. I've told everyone close to me, everyone important to me. Some of my extended family don't know; my coworkers don't know. Of course, I don't have coworkers on my Facebook, except those I am friends with separate from work.
So this may be a surprise to some of you reading this. Like everything else in my life, I'm happy to answer any questions you're ready to ask me. If you don't ask any, I'll try to respect your choice and not bring the subject up. I'm going to answer a few basic questions about DID - and my experience of it - here. If there are questions you think I should answer, please comment them and I'll do my best with them.
Terms
- multiple, multiplicity - I don't like the term Dissociative Identity Disorder. I don't feel disordered; I'm functioning okay. So I prefer to say I'm a multiple and talk about my multiplicity instead.
- alter, other, personality - There are several people that share my body. I use the term 'alter' a lot; other multiples don't like the term.
- front - The front is the position controlling the body; to front is to be in that position.
- switch - We take turns being in control of the body. A switch is when we change who is in control
- switchy - If we are switching rapidly, or feel like a switch is imminent. Sometimes several alters are paying close attention to the outside world.
- mixey, co-conscious (co-con) - Sometimes two alters can share control of the body.
- little - Alters who are children are common in multiples. I have two littles.
- age-slider - Alters don't always stay the same. One of my littles is an age slider; sometimes he is younger, sometimes older.
- trigger warning - Some things 'trigger', or bring out, certain alters, sometimes unexpectedly and perhaps forcefully. Multiples have to learn what triggers certain alters and be ready to deal with them.
- integration - This can be a triggering concept to multiples. The therapy world defaults to integrating multiples, helping them combine and merge until they are a single whole person. Many multiples resist this idea. I am one of them; I enjoy being a multiple and would not undo it if I could.
How long have you been a multiple?
I diagnosed myself in the spring and summer of 2009. So I've known for over 5 years now. But I've probably always been splintered. In retrospect, I have recognized at least one of my alters in my behavior about 20 years ago. I have very few clear memories of my childhood, and that is likely because I wasn't present for all of it.
How many of you are there, and can I meet them all?
The exact makeup of my internal cast varies from time to time, but I usually come back to having about nine of us. Some of us are very friendly, but others don't come out except for very specific situations. Some alters will make their own friends, if they find certain people 'safe' to be around. If you want to meet and/or befriend individuals, you should talk to me separately about that.
What if I don't like your alters, or don't want to deal with it?
That's fine. This is my issue, my condition - my reality - not yours. Until you've met anyone other than Martha, then Martha is who I am to you. It's like meeting someone who is part of a family. You don't have to like their brothers and sisters to be friends with them. You probably have to learn to get along with their siblings if you end up being really close with them, though.
What is it like to have other people in your head?
There is no one way to describe it. Every person experiences it differently. Each alter may experience it differently as well. And it changes over time. I have found one video that showed an experience that 'felt' right; here's the link - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjTOs1L3SBg. The one thing I hate about it is that is takes place in a mental institution setting; which really is unnecessary for most multiples.
Do you think I might be a multiple?
There is no way that I can answer this for another person. Everyone has moments of dissociation. For most people, they pass. If you're asking the question, it's probably a 'no'. I accepted that I was a multiple when I really just couldn't deny it any more. Sometimes I find myself doubting it again, but then I switch and can't possibly deny it.
I want to learn more - where can I do my own research?
- WebMD's description: http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/dissociative-identity-disorder-multiple-personality-disorder
- Essortment's description: http://www.essortment.com/dissociative-identity-disorder-16819.html
- There are many many books written by or about multiples. Some are good; some are awful.
Can I read your blog?
- Many multiples keep a blog of their experiences. I suggest you search on your own.
My blog goes into a lot of detail about being multiple, but it also goes into detail about other areas of my life that I'm not willing to be really public with. So if you'd like to read it, please ask me for the address, but I may decline to share it with you.
And then I waited to see what would happen. Boss's mother said something supportive. Seven people liked it, including my mother. And that was it. Either people didn't read it, or people didn't care. I kind of wanted reactions. But I didn't. So that was interesting.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
The Egg [Me]
I read this today and wanted to share it. It speaks to my beliefs.
I also found a few videos that mostly follow it. The better ones, in my opinion:
- http://youtu.be/ehRggplMieM
- http://youtu.be/pgHvGg_2Lew
- http://youtu.be/d2VxMJzBsuM
The Egg
By: Andy Weir
You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.
And that’s when you met me.
“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”
“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.
“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”
“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.
I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.
“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Roof Woes [Me]
And cue new depression. On top of everything else, I still have a house I'm trying to sell. It's been up for sell for over four months. It's a fixer-upper; there are things that need repaired. And it's priced to reflect that. The tub needs covered/replaced, paint and carpet need done. But now the roof is leaking. It looks like I'm going to be paying for a roof before I'm able to sell the house. And I'm so broke. I assume I'm looking at 5 or 6 thousand dollars, which means a loan. It's really upsetting me, mostly because I feel so helpless.
I want to just switch out and let someone else be out, someone that isn't responsible for thinking about the house. One of the kids, or whoever it is that keeps wanting to hide in the closet. But I'm also working. I have to stay out and do my job and fight off the upset helplessness.
I want to just switch out and let someone else be out, someone that isn't responsible for thinking about the house. One of the kids, or whoever it is that keeps wanting to hide in the closet. But I'm also working. I have to stay out and do my job and fight off the upset helplessness.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Pissed Off beats Pissed On [Me]
You know what pushes back depression for me? Being pissed off at whatever I was depressed about. It doesn't stop the sadness, but it sure pushes it out of the way for a while.
The current target of my depression-turned-to-anger is MK. Lately he's been willing to have conversation with Boss and Metamour, but when I try to engage him, I get a quick monosyllable and he retreats to his room. Date Night last week didn't happen, because he worked late and then didn't want to be around anybody when he did make it home. This has been going on for about two weeks now. I stopped him and called him on it once; his defense is that work is really stressful right now and his coworker is keeping him upset. But I'm not buying it; why, then, is he pushing away the one person who wants to help him feel better and wants more than anything just to be around him? And why is he okay chatting with everyone in the house except me? I spent about a week and half being sad and unhappy and flinching when he accelerated past me without even acknowledging me.
I've tried speaking to him; I've sent him texts and Facebook messages. He's mostly ignoring those, too, except the ones I send repeatedly, insisting on an answer. And then it's monosyllabic. One issue is parking at our house. Some recent events have resulted in all the vehicles being in different spots than usual. I asked him for a discussion about it. No response at all. I suggested a solution, and got back something like, "No, don't do it. I'll fix things eventually." Not good enough. I asked a question about that. No response. So I gave up and enacted my solution because I couldn't get him to discuss it with me and things were in the way and needed dealt with. He waited until I was at work, and rearranged things back to being in the way. So I'm pissed off that he won't discuss it with me, and won't leave my solution alone, and things are still in the way.
But you know what? Being pissed off doesn't feel nearly as bad as being sad and hurt that I'm being ignored. So I'll try to maintain it a while.
And you know who does pissed off well? Rubi. And she just doesn't care if he ignores her. Not that she'd admit, at least. So if it seems like Rubi's out a little more for a while, it's MK's fault. Enjoy.
The current target of my depression-turned-to-anger is MK. Lately he's been willing to have conversation with Boss and Metamour, but when I try to engage him, I get a quick monosyllable and he retreats to his room. Date Night last week didn't happen, because he worked late and then didn't want to be around anybody when he did make it home. This has been going on for about two weeks now. I stopped him and called him on it once; his defense is that work is really stressful right now and his coworker is keeping him upset. But I'm not buying it; why, then, is he pushing away the one person who wants to help him feel better and wants more than anything just to be around him? And why is he okay chatting with everyone in the house except me? I spent about a week and half being sad and unhappy and flinching when he accelerated past me without even acknowledging me.
I've tried speaking to him; I've sent him texts and Facebook messages. He's mostly ignoring those, too, except the ones I send repeatedly, insisting on an answer. And then it's monosyllabic. One issue is parking at our house. Some recent events have resulted in all the vehicles being in different spots than usual. I asked him for a discussion about it. No response at all. I suggested a solution, and got back something like, "No, don't do it. I'll fix things eventually." Not good enough. I asked a question about that. No response. So I gave up and enacted my solution because I couldn't get him to discuss it with me and things were in the way and needed dealt with. He waited until I was at work, and rearranged things back to being in the way. So I'm pissed off that he won't discuss it with me, and won't leave my solution alone, and things are still in the way.
But you know what? Being pissed off doesn't feel nearly as bad as being sad and hurt that I'm being ignored. So I'll try to maintain it a while.
And you know who does pissed off well? Rubi. And she just doesn't care if he ignores her. Not that she'd admit, at least. So if it seems like Rubi's out a little more for a while, it's MK's fault. Enjoy.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Parental Pride [Me]
When I was a young mother, I lived with my best friend, my almost-sister. She had a son only a few months younger than my daughter. So for all intents and purposes, the two of us were parents to the two toddlers. They were raised as brother and sister. As they got older, even when we no longer lived together, I continued to claim the boy as my own. He is now 21 years old, living with several other people his age while going to college. I'm terribly proud of him. Especially when I receive a random text from him like this:
I'm very proud of that boy.
We were going through the town where he lives recently, and stayed with him for the night. When we got there, he was all frustrated because he hadn't been able to arrange the house to his frustration. They had only recently moved in, and his roommates didn't see arranging the furniture as the priority that he did. So he was a bit apologetic when we got there. "But the bathroom," he said, "the bathroom looks good." When he was a middle-school-aged child, cleaning the bathroom had been his job. He wiped down the mirror and the sink, and cleaned the toilet, and I gave him a dollar or two for it. And he always did a very thoughtful job, trying as hard as he could. So I checked out the bathroom. And it was clean. It was well-decorated and neat and supplied.
The boy had done good. Which means I had, as well.
hey thanks for showing me how clean things are supposed to be, and how money is to be used, and trying to put math into my mathless brain, and feeding me
I'm very proud of that boy.
We were going through the town where he lives recently, and stayed with him for the night. When we got there, he was all frustrated because he hadn't been able to arrange the house to his frustration. They had only recently moved in, and his roommates didn't see arranging the furniture as the priority that he did. So he was a bit apologetic when we got there. "But the bathroom," he said, "the bathroom looks good." When he was a middle-school-aged child, cleaning the bathroom had been his job. He wiped down the mirror and the sink, and cleaned the toilet, and I gave him a dollar or two for it. And he always did a very thoughtful job, trying as hard as he could. So I checked out the bathroom. And it was clean. It was well-decorated and neat and supplied.
The boy had done good. Which means I had, as well.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Armpit Hair [Me]
Go read this first:
How my armpits inspired me to make conscious choices
These are my thoughts on the matter, posted on Facebook:
I shave my pits because I'm 'supposed to' and because people important to me have expressed it as a preference. But I hate shaving them. It makes me aware of my fat and my inability to contort myself in the ways necessary to do so. It means that I am self-conscious about when the last time is that I shaved and whether the shirt I've chosen for a day exposes that. This is one part of 'femininity' I have long considered trashing, along with the makeup and piles of jewelry I gave up long ago.
How my armpits inspired me to make conscious choices
These are my thoughts on the matter, posted on Facebook:
I shave my pits because I'm 'supposed to' and because people important to me have expressed it as a preference. But I hate shaving them. It makes me aware of my fat and my inability to contort myself in the ways necessary to do so. It means that I am self-conscious about when the last time is that I shaved and whether the shirt I've chosen for a day exposes that. This is one part of 'femininity' I have long considered trashing, along with the makeup and piles of jewelry I gave up long ago.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Catching Up [Me]
I want to write more, but things keep coming up, and I'm too busy to have a few minutes. Or am I just procrastinating dealing with it because there are easier happier things to deal with first?
We're still dealing with my father's death. This weekend we went out of town to pick up some of his stuff from his wife. It was a really annoying weekend; she didn't have things ready and kept putting us off. We were all sick or injured - Boss and my daughter went with me - and I'm still feeling crappy health-wise. There was no sleeping, since an impromptu party sprung up at the house in which we were staying. I made several fails in my planning and time and money management for the weekend. The club we visited while down there had a power outage. It was just a stressful trip. But it was also fun. When you reach a certain level of 'fail', you just throw up your hands and give up on anything planned. We reached that point and then just worried about enjoying each others' company. So we had fun, just didn't accomplish much of what we set out to do. Or what I set out to do, at least. And there's still things going on.
I'm definitely feeling stressed and depressed. Unfortunately, in trying to help me deal with that, my family made it worse last night. I really needed to get some things done and then have some time not with anyone else. I already have a tendency, when I come home, to need a few minutes to get settled in without anyone making any demands on me. But last night was like a magnification of that. Everyone seemed to want to talk to me or create something I needed to interrupt what I was doing to deal with. I know the idea was to support me and comfort me and tell me I didn't have to work on stuff right then. But I needed the stuff done so I could relax, and I needed left alone to get the stuff done. It was an ugly spiral, and I'm still really stressed about it. I got up early this morning just to have some time where no one would talk to me.
And I'm teaching this afternoon. I've got to be all happy and authoritative and friendly. When really I just want to curl up in my cave and read a book.
I made a cave in my closet with some pillows and a book and a light. I'm finding I need a retreat spot a lot lately. I think there's a new alter that needs it. Either a new alter, or an evolution of Silent One, since there are some similarities, and I don't 'see' Silent One anywhere. This one's human, at least, but I think somewhat feral. And non-verbal. At least this one's need to hide in the back of the closet is easier to deal with than some of Silent One's behaviors, or even those of the kids sometimes.
It seems that Paul's system has reorganized a bit. It started a while back, when Baby Paul Age 2 and Baby Paul Age 5 apparently merged into Baby Paul Age 3. Now Paul Age 8 and Paul Age 11 seem to have merged into Paul, age 9 or 10 maybe? So we have Big Paul (14), Middle Paul (9-10), and Baby Paul (3). I think that's easier to deal with? I don't know what it means, that he's consolidating. I know his Age 2, 5, 8, 11, and 14 choices had to do with the age he was when certain events happened in his 'other world life'. Maybe going to new ages means he's attaching himself to this world and this life more than the other one? He's trying to figure out how to relate to Boss more/better. And Boss is trying very hard not to pressure him and to make it easy for him.
I haven't had a whiff of Cherish or Stephanie or the original Silent One in many weeks, or even Gracelyn. I don't know what that means. Are they gone? Are they just not needed right now? It's like the lights are off inside, and I can't tell what's going on. Even Rubi's mostly missing. I could really use her right now. I'm having lots of quick anger, which isn't normal for me. That's usually her arena. But she can't top, because I've torn some muscle in my arm. And she can't bottom heavily, because we slipped a disk in my back. She tries not to come out and be around Boss much because her behavior is detrimental to our attempt for him to be dominant over my system. So she has no outlet, and I think her anger is 'leaking' out to me.
The only alters that seems reasonably normal are Kiara and Sam. Sam pops out for quick moments, as she's always done, and Kiara comes out when she wants to and is very strong, then stays away when she wants. She's not as happy as she used to be, and hasn't been for months, but she's very strong. Now that my daughter is living back in town, I know that's pleased Kiara a lot, but they haven't spent much time together, even so.
We're still dealing with my father's death. This weekend we went out of town to pick up some of his stuff from his wife. It was a really annoying weekend; she didn't have things ready and kept putting us off. We were all sick or injured - Boss and my daughter went with me - and I'm still feeling crappy health-wise. There was no sleeping, since an impromptu party sprung up at the house in which we were staying. I made several fails in my planning and time and money management for the weekend. The club we visited while down there had a power outage. It was just a stressful trip. But it was also fun. When you reach a certain level of 'fail', you just throw up your hands and give up on anything planned. We reached that point and then just worried about enjoying each others' company. So we had fun, just didn't accomplish much of what we set out to do. Or what I set out to do, at least. And there's still things going on.
I'm definitely feeling stressed and depressed. Unfortunately, in trying to help me deal with that, my family made it worse last night. I really needed to get some things done and then have some time not with anyone else. I already have a tendency, when I come home, to need a few minutes to get settled in without anyone making any demands on me. But last night was like a magnification of that. Everyone seemed to want to talk to me or create something I needed to interrupt what I was doing to deal with. I know the idea was to support me and comfort me and tell me I didn't have to work on stuff right then. But I needed the stuff done so I could relax, and I needed left alone to get the stuff done. It was an ugly spiral, and I'm still really stressed about it. I got up early this morning just to have some time where no one would talk to me.
And I'm teaching this afternoon. I've got to be all happy and authoritative and friendly. When really I just want to curl up in my cave and read a book.
I made a cave in my closet with some pillows and a book and a light. I'm finding I need a retreat spot a lot lately. I think there's a new alter that needs it. Either a new alter, or an evolution of Silent One, since there are some similarities, and I don't 'see' Silent One anywhere. This one's human, at least, but I think somewhat feral. And non-verbal. At least this one's need to hide in the back of the closet is easier to deal with than some of Silent One's behaviors, or even those of the kids sometimes.
It seems that Paul's system has reorganized a bit. It started a while back, when Baby Paul Age 2 and Baby Paul Age 5 apparently merged into Baby Paul Age 3. Now Paul Age 8 and Paul Age 11 seem to have merged into Paul, age 9 or 10 maybe? So we have Big Paul (14), Middle Paul (9-10), and Baby Paul (3). I think that's easier to deal with? I don't know what it means, that he's consolidating. I know his Age 2, 5, 8, 11, and 14 choices had to do with the age he was when certain events happened in his 'other world life'. Maybe going to new ages means he's attaching himself to this world and this life more than the other one? He's trying to figure out how to relate to Boss more/better. And Boss is trying very hard not to pressure him and to make it easy for him.
I haven't had a whiff of Cherish or Stephanie or the original Silent One in many weeks, or even Gracelyn. I don't know what that means. Are they gone? Are they just not needed right now? It's like the lights are off inside, and I can't tell what's going on. Even Rubi's mostly missing. I could really use her right now. I'm having lots of quick anger, which isn't normal for me. That's usually her arena. But she can't top, because I've torn some muscle in my arm. And she can't bottom heavily, because we slipped a disk in my back. She tries not to come out and be around Boss much because her behavior is detrimental to our attempt for him to be dominant over my system. So she has no outlet, and I think her anger is 'leaking' out to me.
The only alters that seems reasonably normal are Kiara and Sam. Sam pops out for quick moments, as she's always done, and Kiara comes out when she wants to and is very strong, then stays away when she wants. She's not as happy as she used to be, and hasn't been for months, but she's very strong. Now that my daughter is living back in town, I know that's pleased Kiara a lot, but they haven't spent much time together, even so.
Monday, August 4, 2014
RIP Dad [Me]
My father died today. We weren't all that close, but he was my Dad, and I'm pretty torn up. My alters have been great, coming out enough to help but not so much to block me away from the feelings I need to have and process. Of course my family is being very solicitous and taking care of me. My daughter came home today - I was able to tell her in person, which meant a lot to me. I don't really know what I'm feeling yet, or if I'll be fine tomorrow or crushed and worthless. So I'm working from home. But I realize I'm avoiding going to bed. In bed I can't be blogging and checking Facebook and reading stuff and playing games. And generally just distracting myself. I need to keep busy. That's how I deal with emotion. And going to bed means stopping being busy. I'm not ready. I've had a few sobbing fits today, but not enough to really purge. Because none were just me crying; there was someone else, or someones else, to be aware of. I was at work. Or I was with my daughter, who has lost her grandfather, just as I've lost my father. This is Not Fun. But I'll be okay. I'm not okay now, but I will be. I just have to get through the yucky part, whether that's a day a several weeks long. I wish I knew how long.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Happy Day [Me]
Today I am happy. Not about anything in particular, but just generally happy.
Teaching is going well:
I'll be teaching Kink 101 at Akaicon this weekend. And I'm ready. The presentation looks good.
I've got Kink 101 on September 14 planned and set up, and I've started getting the word out.
We're not going to do Pro 101 again until maybe Spring 2015, so I'm not worrying about that.
The Education Committee at the club is all set and working on things. I've revamped my Dungeon 101 class to be specific to that venue and be the club's Dungeon 101 class.
Relationships are going pretty well:
Boss and I are doing well. The anti-anxiety meds are making a big difference. We've had some really great scenes and talks lately, and are doing pretty well together.
MK has had some rough times the last couple of weeks and has withdrawn, but he seems to be coming back out of that phase now.
Metamour and Boss aren't so touchy around each other, so I guess they've settled out a bit.
Family stuff is a mixed bag:
The daughter is coming home on Monday. I'm really looking forward to seeing her.
My father is still dying, but he's gradually deteriorating. The end is coming soon, but we got to see him and say goodbye while he was still pretty coherent.
My mom and step-dad lost their dog recently, but otherwise seem to be doing well. I miss them, though.
Work is going fine, nothing majorly negative or positive. I like my job, which is a great thing to be able to say.
Teaching is going well:
I'll be teaching Kink 101 at Akaicon this weekend. And I'm ready. The presentation looks good.
I've got Kink 101 on September 14 planned and set up, and I've started getting the word out.
We're not going to do Pro 101 again until maybe Spring 2015, so I'm not worrying about that.
The Education Committee at the club is all set and working on things. I've revamped my Dungeon 101 class to be specific to that venue and be the club's Dungeon 101 class.
Relationships are going pretty well:
Boss and I are doing well. The anti-anxiety meds are making a big difference. We've had some really great scenes and talks lately, and are doing pretty well together.
MK has had some rough times the last couple of weeks and has withdrawn, but he seems to be coming back out of that phase now.
Metamour and Boss aren't so touchy around each other, so I guess they've settled out a bit.
Family stuff is a mixed bag:
The daughter is coming home on Monday. I'm really looking forward to seeing her.
My father is still dying, but he's gradually deteriorating. The end is coming soon, but we got to see him and say goodbye while he was still pretty coherent.
My mom and step-dad lost their dog recently, but otherwise seem to be doing well. I miss them, though.
Work is going fine, nothing majorly negative or positive. I like my job, which is a great thing to be able to say.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Improving Slowly [Me]
Things are improving, though erratically. I feel like we're at least on an upward swing, finally. And by 'we', I mean the whole family, this time.
Last week I went out-of-state with MK to visit his mother. A thousand-mile trip through four states in five days. It was mostly a working vacation, as we emptied out some things he had in storage there and packed them up to bring home. But I got to spend some serious quality time with MK, something that I've felt has been lacking for a while now. We talked a lot, and I feel pretty secure in my relationship there.
I was dreading the homecoming from the trip. Boss and I had fought a lot the weekend before, when I had left. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him, either, as he left for work just minutes before I got up. Frustrating. I got a message from the Metamour during the trip that he was really flipping out and losing control, and he was finally breaking down enough to search for a therapist or a doctor or something. Unfortunately, that search is not going super-well, as the doctor of our choice is having to close up shop.
But when I got home, things were... good. He had come to some realizations. And he missed me. And I missed him. We had a good play-scene at the club, and actually talked and made up a bit. There wasn't a huge crash on Sunday, so we didn't have that usual fight. We just hung out, and I really appreciated it.
He's still searching for a doctor, but he did start on the anti-anxiety meds I'm on. And they seem to be making a difference, both for him and for me. They aren't strong, but they do seem to mellow things out a little, just enough to let me/him step back and see if it's worth being upset about.
That leaves the Metamour. She and Boss were a bit strained before I went out of state, but I think they must have talked some things out while I was gone, because they seem less stressed around each other now.
So yeah, it feels like there are some improvements in mood all around. There have been several showings of my house for sale. My daughter is coming home soon from her job - oh, and she did get to go see my Dad for a day, just before he got much worse. So that's a relief that she got to see him. I got back to work and nothing fell horribly apart while I was gone, but things were busy enough that I feel I was missed. Money is tight, but doable. I am hopeful.
Last week I went out-of-state with MK to visit his mother. A thousand-mile trip through four states in five days. It was mostly a working vacation, as we emptied out some things he had in storage there and packed them up to bring home. But I got to spend some serious quality time with MK, something that I've felt has been lacking for a while now. We talked a lot, and I feel pretty secure in my relationship there.
I was dreading the homecoming from the trip. Boss and I had fought a lot the weekend before, when I had left. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him, either, as he left for work just minutes before I got up. Frustrating. I got a message from the Metamour during the trip that he was really flipping out and losing control, and he was finally breaking down enough to search for a therapist or a doctor or something. Unfortunately, that search is not going super-well, as the doctor of our choice is having to close up shop.
But when I got home, things were... good. He had come to some realizations. And he missed me. And I missed him. We had a good play-scene at the club, and actually talked and made up a bit. There wasn't a huge crash on Sunday, so we didn't have that usual fight. We just hung out, and I really appreciated it.
He's still searching for a doctor, but he did start on the anti-anxiety meds I'm on. And they seem to be making a difference, both for him and for me. They aren't strong, but they do seem to mellow things out a little, just enough to let me/him step back and see if it's worth being upset about.
That leaves the Metamour. She and Boss were a bit strained before I went out of state, but I think they must have talked some things out while I was gone, because they seem less stressed around each other now.
So yeah, it feels like there are some improvements in mood all around. There have been several showings of my house for sale. My daughter is coming home soon from her job - oh, and she did get to go see my Dad for a day, just before he got much worse. So that's a relief that she got to see him. I got back to work and nothing fell horribly apart while I was gone, but things were busy enough that I feel I was missed. Money is tight, but doable. I am hopeful.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
I Hate Sundays [Me]
Another Sunday, another fight. Seems we always fight on Sundays. Usually it's Boss that's all grumpy and/or hateful. When by some miracle he's not all pissy, I am. And on the super-rare occasion that both of us are actually okay, MK will end up in a bad mood. It's reliable enough that when MK asks what's wrong, why I'm in a bad mood, it's usually enough to just point out that it's Sunday, and he knows that Boss and I have been fighting.
What do we fight over? He wants to sleep in and I don't. I did sleep in and he couldn't sleep. What are we having for lunch and when? Are we going to go work out or not? There's a mess in the sunroom. I'm ignoring him by going to play with legos. I'm ignoring him by going out looking for yard sales. I feel smothered and pawed-upon and need some alone time. He feels like we haven't spent enough time together lately and needs to be close to my physically. I'm hot and don't want to be touched. He was looking forward to a day of doing nothing, and I'm bored. I had stuff planned that I need to get done this weekend and he's asleep. I feel like I'm neglecting my relationship with MK and Boss feels I'm neglecting my relationship with him. The laundry still isn't done and it's Sunday. We need to do some work around the house, but it'll make noise and the Metamour is sleeping.
I fucking hate Sundays.
What do we fight over? He wants to sleep in and I don't. I did sleep in and he couldn't sleep. What are we having for lunch and when? Are we going to go work out or not? There's a mess in the sunroom. I'm ignoring him by going to play with legos. I'm ignoring him by going out looking for yard sales. I feel smothered and pawed-upon and need some alone time. He feels like we haven't spent enough time together lately and needs to be close to my physically. I'm hot and don't want to be touched. He was looking forward to a day of doing nothing, and I'm bored. I had stuff planned that I need to get done this weekend and he's asleep. I feel like I'm neglecting my relationship with MK and Boss feels I'm neglecting my relationship with him. The laundry still isn't done and it's Sunday. We need to do some work around the house, but it'll make noise and the Metamour is sleeping.
I fucking hate Sundays.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Now Drugged for Your Protection... [Me]
My mood swings have been improving lately. I asked the doctor to set me up on some anxiety meds to calm me down. He put me on Vistaril, which is anti-anxiety, anti-psychotic, and oddly enough, antihistamine. It's actually helping more than I anticipated, though of course I wonder how much of that is because I was told it would work. The anger flashes are still happening, but more rarely, and of much less intensity. The depression and sadness are still there, but I feel a little bit removed from them. They don't seem to be as all-consuming. So that's good.
The major side effect is that I get horribly sleepy after taking it - sometimes. Some nights thirty minutes after I take it, and some nights a couple of hours after taking it. Some nights I haven't seen any problem. But I get drugged-sleepy, like nearly walking into walls sleepy. Last week, it hit me hard on date night with MK, and all I could do was go to bed. He laid nearby with me, but that was the whole date. Wow, excitement...
I was worried that it would affect my switching about. All drugs, as well as stress, seem to affect my switching about. And I'm switching less, but I am switching, and I can mostly control it. So I don't think I've 'lost' anyone, or dropped the ability to deal with my multiplicity because of the drugs. Honestly, I see the less switching as more a progression from how I was doing before finding out my dad was dying.
So I'm hoping the drowsiness will pass as I get more used to the drug. I am enjoying the deeper sleep at night, but I feel like I need a little extra time to sleep. So in theory, bedtime is earlier. We'll see if I can do it.
---
Dad went back to the hospital yesterday. It worried me; I had this flash of panic that 'this is it'. But this time it was complications from one of the meds he's on.
My daughter still hasn't been able to get free to go see him and say goodbye. I'm worried how she'll take it if she doesn't see him before it happens. She has the potential for a lot of guilt for not doing the right thing. And even though she hasn't ever been close to him, his dying will hurt her a lot more than it will me. She just feels more than I do, it seems.
I talked to Dad's wife before and after the ER trip yesterday. I ended up playing counselor for her, because she's struggling to do the right thing for Dad, to make the decisions with him and how he wants them. But his family (my family) is resisting her. She feels a lot of antagonism from them, specifically from one of my aunts. And I keep telling her to let that go, don't engage, and deal with this for Dad. The problem is, she deserves the resistance. Yes, the aunt in question can be overbearing and is known for marginalizing the spouses of her siblings, but the wife is pretty antagonistic and poisonous, too. For the last fifteen-plus years, I've avoided getting close to my dad because of his wife's venom. But he's dying, and I'll put up with her for his sake until he's gone. So here I am, playing counselor for this woman I don't like, trying to encourage her to get along with everyone for his sake.
How come I have to be the grown-up in this case? Yes, my aunt is losing her brother, and the wife is losing her husband. I'm losing my Daddy, too, you know.
The major side effect is that I get horribly sleepy after taking it - sometimes. Some nights thirty minutes after I take it, and some nights a couple of hours after taking it. Some nights I haven't seen any problem. But I get drugged-sleepy, like nearly walking into walls sleepy. Last week, it hit me hard on date night with MK, and all I could do was go to bed. He laid nearby with me, but that was the whole date. Wow, excitement...
I was worried that it would affect my switching about. All drugs, as well as stress, seem to affect my switching about. And I'm switching less, but I am switching, and I can mostly control it. So I don't think I've 'lost' anyone, or dropped the ability to deal with my multiplicity because of the drugs. Honestly, I see the less switching as more a progression from how I was doing before finding out my dad was dying.
So I'm hoping the drowsiness will pass as I get more used to the drug. I am enjoying the deeper sleep at night, but I feel like I need a little extra time to sleep. So in theory, bedtime is earlier. We'll see if I can do it.
---
Dad went back to the hospital yesterday. It worried me; I had this flash of panic that 'this is it'. But this time it was complications from one of the meds he's on.
My daughter still hasn't been able to get free to go see him and say goodbye. I'm worried how she'll take it if she doesn't see him before it happens. She has the potential for a lot of guilt for not doing the right thing. And even though she hasn't ever been close to him, his dying will hurt her a lot more than it will me. She just feels more than I do, it seems.
I talked to Dad's wife before and after the ER trip yesterday. I ended up playing counselor for her, because she's struggling to do the right thing for Dad, to make the decisions with him and how he wants them. But his family (my family) is resisting her. She feels a lot of antagonism from them, specifically from one of my aunts. And I keep telling her to let that go, don't engage, and deal with this for Dad. The problem is, she deserves the resistance. Yes, the aunt in question can be overbearing and is known for marginalizing the spouses of her siblings, but the wife is pretty antagonistic and poisonous, too. For the last fifteen-plus years, I've avoided getting close to my dad because of his wife's venom. But he's dying, and I'll put up with her for his sake until he's gone. So here I am, playing counselor for this woman I don't like, trying to encourage her to get along with everyone for his sake.
How come I have to be the grown-up in this case? Yes, my aunt is losing her brother, and the wife is losing her husband. I'm losing my Daddy, too, you know.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Nametags [Me]
We finally got pictures of the nametags that Boss made for us! We wear these leather tags snapped onto our collar when we're around kink folk, so they know who they are talking to (if they want to). I've been wanting pictures of them for a while, and here they are!
Here are the main five that people might see at the club - Rubi, Sam, Me, Kiara, and Paul. You can see the blade and cuts all over for Rubi, the BDSM triskelion for Sam, my IDIC, Kiara's ladybug, and Paul's legos.
And then there are three more for alters that aren't likely to be seen at the club. Silent One doesn't have a tag because, really, you think it would put it on? Stephanie, Cherish, and Gracelyn are below. The symbol on the slaves' tags is for the House of Aten, which is how Boss identifies himself and his household. And Gracelyn has a purple flower.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Uncharacteristic Flashes of Anger
I'm struggling this week, more than last week. I'm definitely fighting off being depressed. And this time, it's coming in delightful little bursts of sarcasm and anger (that 'delightful' was sarcastic, if you didn't catch it). I'm getting flashes of being irrationally angry at people. And along with the anger comes a biting bitchy remark in my head that I'm just barely keeping from letting out my mouth. It would be acceptable if the target of said angry remarks deserved it, but that hasn't been true. It'll be something simple, like someone saying 'excuse me' to pass me in the hall, and I'll hear, loud and clear in my head, "Well if you weren't travelling down the WRONG side of the hallway, then it wouldn't be MY PROBLEM to get out of your FUCKING way!" It just totally out of proportion to whatever the micro-offense might be.
So I'm working hard to contain these flashes of anger, because they aren't justified, and they're about me, not about whoever I'm angry at. Oh, and I want to get angry at someone. I want to have a screaming, in-your-face, breaking plates and throwing things against the wall kind of fight with someone. Except the someones that are most likely the targets for a big fight are people that haven't done anything to make me angry; in fact they've tried to help me feel better.
At first I thought the anger was Rubi's. Anger is usually her emotion; she's a frothing pit of teenage anger. But it's not her; she's doing just fine. No, this is my anger.
The only thing I feel like I can potentially legitimately blame it on is that my father is dying. I'm not exactly sad about this. I mean I am, but it's not crippling sadness. He's been more or less out of my life for twenty years. It's a shame he and I didn't get to be friends again before he turned out to have deadly cancer in his brain. But it's not really going to change much in my day-to-day life. So I have trouble being really sad about it, except in little bursts when I'm actually thinking about it. Like now, because I'm writing about it.
So what else can I be depressed and angry about? Work's going great. I feel capable and appreciated and well-paid and encouraged. Best job I've ever had. My kink-teaching is going great, too. We just taught a Blade Play class and I'm teaching Dungeon 101 tonight. I've also submitted to teach at two cons this fall, the same ones I taught at last year. Soon it'll be time to start looking at teaching Pro101 again. Money's tight, but that's nothing new - and I can see a potential light at the end of the tunnel now that the old house is on the market. There's still a lot we need to find time to do on the house, but it's no longer an overwhelming amount. Just a few hours should do it.
The only place where things aren't all hopeful and nice are relationships. I knew all of us moving in together would require some adjustment. And it still is doing so. I don't get to spend much more time with MK than before he moved in. But I really love getting to just touch him or give him a quick hug as we all pass by going in and out. I know he's either depressed or kinda sick right now, but I don't know what I can do to help him. Boss is also in a pretty needy place right now. He needs me to be all touchy-feely-sexy with him and comfort him and reassure him that, even though my other boyfriend is in the house, he's still all-important and needed by me. But I'm so far from touchy-feely-sexy right now. I feel a huge aversion to touch right now, especially sexual touch, which is unusual for me, as is the anger. I need hugs and pats and then to be left alone at arm's reach. Which translates to Boss as 'Fine, I touched you. Now leave me alone.' But what I mean is, 'Here's a touch; it's all I can handle, and I want it to go to you.'
I am committed to both of my guys. I want the four of us (don't forget the Metamour!) to be together five years from now, ten years from now. But today, I really wish I lived by myself, so I could pout and mope and be miserable without anyone else around. And then I could scream and throw things against the wall until I felt better.
So I'm working hard to contain these flashes of anger, because they aren't justified, and they're about me, not about whoever I'm angry at. Oh, and I want to get angry at someone. I want to have a screaming, in-your-face, breaking plates and throwing things against the wall kind of fight with someone. Except the someones that are most likely the targets for a big fight are people that haven't done anything to make me angry; in fact they've tried to help me feel better.
At first I thought the anger was Rubi's. Anger is usually her emotion; she's a frothing pit of teenage anger. But it's not her; she's doing just fine. No, this is my anger.
The only thing I feel like I can potentially legitimately blame it on is that my father is dying. I'm not exactly sad about this. I mean I am, but it's not crippling sadness. He's been more or less out of my life for twenty years. It's a shame he and I didn't get to be friends again before he turned out to have deadly cancer in his brain. But it's not really going to change much in my day-to-day life. So I have trouble being really sad about it, except in little bursts when I'm actually thinking about it. Like now, because I'm writing about it.
So what else can I be depressed and angry about? Work's going great. I feel capable and appreciated and well-paid and encouraged. Best job I've ever had. My kink-teaching is going great, too. We just taught a Blade Play class and I'm teaching Dungeon 101 tonight. I've also submitted to teach at two cons this fall, the same ones I taught at last year. Soon it'll be time to start looking at teaching Pro101 again. Money's tight, but that's nothing new - and I can see a potential light at the end of the tunnel now that the old house is on the market. There's still a lot we need to find time to do on the house, but it's no longer an overwhelming amount. Just a few hours should do it.
The only place where things aren't all hopeful and nice are relationships. I knew all of us moving in together would require some adjustment. And it still is doing so. I don't get to spend much more time with MK than before he moved in. But I really love getting to just touch him or give him a quick hug as we all pass by going in and out. I know he's either depressed or kinda sick right now, but I don't know what I can do to help him. Boss is also in a pretty needy place right now. He needs me to be all touchy-feely-sexy with him and comfort him and reassure him that, even though my other boyfriend is in the house, he's still all-important and needed by me. But I'm so far from touchy-feely-sexy right now. I feel a huge aversion to touch right now, especially sexual touch, which is unusual for me, as is the anger. I need hugs and pats and then to be left alone at arm's reach. Which translates to Boss as 'Fine, I touched you. Now leave me alone.' But what I mean is, 'Here's a touch; it's all I can handle, and I want it to go to you.'
I am committed to both of my guys. I want the four of us (don't forget the Metamour!) to be together five years from now, ten years from now. But today, I really wish I lived by myself, so I could pout and mope and be miserable without anyone else around. And then I could scream and throw things against the wall until I felt better.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Doubting Days & Invisible Disability [Me]
I passed a woman on the street the other day whose arm was amputated at the elbow. And my first thought was, "It must be nice to have her disability right out there obvious." I was having a pretty negative day that day, one of those days where I'm questioning my multiplicity.
All the multiples I know have had those Doubting Days. Am I really multiple? Maybe it's all in my head, just a terrible effort at getting attention that has become so intent that even I believe this thing that's not even true. Who am I kidding, saying that different people live in my head? What am I, a little kid, talking to my invisible friends? Why don't I just grow up, take responsibility for all of my life, and quit pretending? Why do I put the people around me through this, making them participate in my make-believe? Do they really believe me, or are they just humoring me? What does that say about them? About me? It would be so much easier to just be a singleton. I think I could do it if I tried.
Now keep in mind, I don't usually think like this. Just on those dreary unhappy-with-myself days. Days when not even my alters want to talk to me. Days when it's quiet in my head. So when I saw the woman with the amputated arm, the idea of having the thing that sometimes cripples me right out there in the open, where I could see it in front of me, and not have to doubt whether it's even there or not, that was very appealing, in a way. I know she never looks at her arm and wonders if it's really there or not. She never wonders if her arm might show up if she just quits feeling sorry for herself. It's concrete. She's missing an arm. No doubt about that.
Of course, that means every time she meets someone, that's the first thing they know about her. Nice to meet you - hey, you're missing an arm! And the obligatory curiosity. I think about times when I've had a bandage in an obvious place, and how tired I got of answer questions about what happened. And that was for days, not for the rest of my life. For everyone she meets, she starts of as 'that chick missing an arm'. She has to start every relationship a few steps behind 'that chick', and work her way up to having a name and personality in the other person's mind. Every relationship takes a little more work.
Invisible problems, like mental conditions, at least can be set aside to deal with after you get to know someone. I'm a big proponent of telling people early on in our relationships that I'm multiple. And I'm not talking romantic relationships, but just people I'm going to spend time around. I don't want to hide who I am - all the who I am - who we are. If I'm going to be friends with someone, I want them to know early. But that does mean there's always the Question Phase, where they ask about why I'm multiple and who all lives in my head, and how they're supposed to interact with me, with us. Just like the girl with no arm, I have to explain my disability over and over again.
Except I get to chose when that part comes up. I can control how well I know someone before it becomes known. Can't do that with a missing arm. The cashier at McDonald's (for example) can tell she's missing an arm, and ask her annoying questions about it, right away. I do visibly advertise that I'm weird - I shave my head and wear a steel collar - but I don't quite cross that line where every stranger I meet feels the need to ask me for details. And depending on how someone reacts to that part of me being weird, then I have a clue how they might accept me being a we, and if I want to disclose that to them.
All the multiples I know have had those Doubting Days. Am I really multiple? Maybe it's all in my head, just a terrible effort at getting attention that has become so intent that even I believe this thing that's not even true. Who am I kidding, saying that different people live in my head? What am I, a little kid, talking to my invisible friends? Why don't I just grow up, take responsibility for all of my life, and quit pretending? Why do I put the people around me through this, making them participate in my make-believe? Do they really believe me, or are they just humoring me? What does that say about them? About me? It would be so much easier to just be a singleton. I think I could do it if I tried.
Now keep in mind, I don't usually think like this. Just on those dreary unhappy-with-myself days. Days when not even my alters want to talk to me. Days when it's quiet in my head. So when I saw the woman with the amputated arm, the idea of having the thing that sometimes cripples me right out there in the open, where I could see it in front of me, and not have to doubt whether it's even there or not, that was very appealing, in a way. I know she never looks at her arm and wonders if it's really there or not. She never wonders if her arm might show up if she just quits feeling sorry for herself. It's concrete. She's missing an arm. No doubt about that.
Of course, that means every time she meets someone, that's the first thing they know about her. Nice to meet you - hey, you're missing an arm! And the obligatory curiosity. I think about times when I've had a bandage in an obvious place, and how tired I got of answer questions about what happened. And that was for days, not for the rest of my life. For everyone she meets, she starts of as 'that chick missing an arm'. She has to start every relationship a few steps behind 'that chick', and work her way up to having a name and personality in the other person's mind. Every relationship takes a little more work.
Invisible problems, like mental conditions, at least can be set aside to deal with after you get to know someone. I'm a big proponent of telling people early on in our relationships that I'm multiple. And I'm not talking romantic relationships, but just people I'm going to spend time around. I don't want to hide who I am - all the who I am - who we are. If I'm going to be friends with someone, I want them to know early. But that does mean there's always the Question Phase, where they ask about why I'm multiple and who all lives in my head, and how they're supposed to interact with me, with us. Just like the girl with no arm, I have to explain my disability over and over again.
Except I get to chose when that part comes up. I can control how well I know someone before it becomes known. Can't do that with a missing arm. The cashier at McDonald's (for example) can tell she's missing an arm, and ask her annoying questions about it, right away. I do visibly advertise that I'm weird - I shave my head and wear a steel collar - but I don't quite cross that line where every stranger I meet feels the need to ask me for details. And depending on how someone reacts to that part of me being weird, then I have a clue how they might accept me being a we, and if I want to disclose that to them.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
What Do I Say? [Me]
I'm back to work after visiting my father in the hospital. The return to routine is helping me a lot. I'm having moments of Sad, but mostly I'm just going about work as usual. Which is okay until a coworker asks me about my dad or about why I was gone last week.
My dad's gone home from the hospital. I'll call later today to find out how the adjustment is going. But yesterday he said he felt better than he had in months and was really looking forward to getting home. We even teased back and forth about whether or not he was going to tackle mowing the yard later this week. So I felt pretty good about it, until he asked me about my son, his grandson. Yeah, he thought he was talking to the step-daughter, and has us confused again. That happened several times in the hospital. So I know he's still got some real confusion going on.
I've seen four showings have happened for the house, which went up on the market like the day before I went to Memphis. I hope it sells quickly, but don't really have the energy to do much about it right now.
I have several teaching things coming up soon. We got asked to teach a BladePlay 101 class this Saturday, to fill in an empty spot on the club's teaching schedule. So we'll scramble just a little tonight to get that ready. It'll be fine. It's time to teach Kink 101 again soon. I meant to do it in late May or early June. I'm looking at late July now. But I finally messaged the venue about that to see what their schedule looks like. I also submitted to teach Kink 101 at Akai-Con again, like we did last year. And Dungeon 101 is next Wednesday.
So that means that this weekend is my 'public face' weekend. I need to be all Welcome-Wagon on Friday for the Munch, then I'm teaching on Saturday, then I'm teaching on Wednesday. I really don't feel like being friendly and welcoming and authoritative right now. I want to be depressed and petty and selfish. But once each thing starts, I'll snap into role and it'll be fine. And that's probably good for me, just not what I want right now.
So that brings me back to answering the question "How is your dad?" A lot of the kink folks know that I went out of town to see him, too. It seems a little crass to answer, "He's dying." But it's the truth. And I don't feel like softening it for their comfort. It's an uncomfortable question, and an uncomfortable answer to match. Because my Dad is dying. I'll make it through, and I'm more okay than a lot of people would be at this point. But I'm not happy. And I need to go ahead and focus on other things that I'm doing.
So if you see me, don't feel like you have to ask about my dad. An extra hug would be welcome, though.
My dad's gone home from the hospital. I'll call later today to find out how the adjustment is going. But yesterday he said he felt better than he had in months and was really looking forward to getting home. We even teased back and forth about whether or not he was going to tackle mowing the yard later this week. So I felt pretty good about it, until he asked me about my son, his grandson. Yeah, he thought he was talking to the step-daughter, and has us confused again. That happened several times in the hospital. So I know he's still got some real confusion going on.
I've seen four showings have happened for the house, which went up on the market like the day before I went to Memphis. I hope it sells quickly, but don't really have the energy to do much about it right now.
I have several teaching things coming up soon. We got asked to teach a BladePlay 101 class this Saturday, to fill in an empty spot on the club's teaching schedule. So we'll scramble just a little tonight to get that ready. It'll be fine. It's time to teach Kink 101 again soon. I meant to do it in late May or early June. I'm looking at late July now. But I finally messaged the venue about that to see what their schedule looks like. I also submitted to teach Kink 101 at Akai-Con again, like we did last year. And Dungeon 101 is next Wednesday.
So that means that this weekend is my 'public face' weekend. I need to be all Welcome-Wagon on Friday for the Munch, then I'm teaching on Saturday, then I'm teaching on Wednesday. I really don't feel like being friendly and welcoming and authoritative right now. I want to be depressed and petty and selfish. But once each thing starts, I'll snap into role and it'll be fine. And that's probably good for me, just not what I want right now.
So that brings me back to answering the question "How is your dad?" A lot of the kink folks know that I went out of town to see him, too. It seems a little crass to answer, "He's dying." But it's the truth. And I don't feel like softening it for their comfort. It's an uncomfortable question, and an uncomfortable answer to match. Because my Dad is dying. I'll make it through, and I'm more okay than a lot of people would be at this point. But I'm not happy. And I need to go ahead and focus on other things that I'm doing.
So if you see me, don't feel like you have to ask about my dad. An extra hug would be welcome, though.
Motel M is for Sale!
I posted this in my Facebook notes, but here it is again, because it bears repeating. I need to get the house sold and out of my life.
My old house, affectionately referred to as Motel M, is now up for sale! Price is $85,000 As-Is. 1212 sq feet, 3BR, 2BA.
It's a nice little zero-lot-line house (think duplex, but with two separate owners, and a bit thicker walls). It needs a little work, and would be fantastic for someone to come in and fix up, either to live in or to rent. I lived there for four years, and then rented it out to friends for a couple of years. But it just isn't arranged well for us, since two of us can't go up and down the stairs, and only the Master Bedroom is on the ground floor.
Downstairs is the Living Room, which has a fireplace in one corner, and a cute little eat-in kitchen that gets lots of light. There's an attached laundry room with lots of space for storage - we had three large bookcases in there to hold all the laundry stuff and tools and such. There are also pantry shelves over the washer/dryer hookups. Also downstairs is the Master Bedroom (12x17 ft), which has a large closet (21 feet of closet-rod space!). Also the Master Bathroom, with a standup shower and a new dual-flush toilet. Upstairs are two very large bedrooms (11x21 ft each) with angled ceilings and long closets, as well as a second full Bathroom with a standard tub. Outside there is a small back porch/deck attached to a new wood storage shed with plenty of room for a wheelbarrow, lawnmower, etc. There's one nice tree in the back yard, and one in the front.
The house does need some fixing up, within the reach of do-it-yourselfers. Inside, it needs some paint, and the carpet's old and stained. The upstairs tub runs a little, and needs resurfaced or covered by one of those bath-fitter setups. Some of the ceiling upstairs shows evidence of an old water leak (over 6 years ago). Outside, the ridge vent on the roof needs replaced, and some of the fascia outside needs replaced. Other pieces of fascia have been replaced and merely need painted.
The water heater and central heat & air unit were both replaced 2007-2008. The kitchen includes a fridge and dishwasher.
The MLS listing number is #1544712. Here are some links to some online listings for the house:
Saturday, May 31, 2014
My Father is Dying [Me]
My father is dying. Not today, but soon. Well, aren't we all? But he's doing so sooner rather than later.
A few days ago, I got a call to come see him in the hospital. He has multiple tumors in his brain. They are not operable, and it's an aggressive cancer that will take him quickly, by all indications. So I've spend the last five days sitting in his hotel room. I've tried to keep up with what doctors are telling us - and not telling us. I've talked about some hard subjects with my Dad, trying to help him make the decisions he needs to make. And I've been telling him goodbye. Not necessarily by saying the word 'goodbye', but just by spending some time with him - listening, talking, reminiscing.
It's been nice, seeing my Dad, seeing his siblings. It's been hard, seeing him so easily confused, and knowing that he's got a limited amount of time left. I finally managed to cry a lot last night, and some more today. I'm sad, but I'm glad I'm getting to help out with him and to see him as well. All five of his brothers and sisters came to see him. I missed one of them, but saw the rest. And his father, who is 94 years old, was brought by, too. Even my best friend came from home to see him. So there's been a lot of visiting.
And because I'm around family, and trying to be all strong and together, I'm not switching any, either. I switched a little bit a couple of times when we weren't at the hospital, but mostly it's just me. This is my Dad, not everyone else's. It's pretty stressful on me when I'm not switching.
Boss couldn't come up; he had to work. I know he's missing me being at home a lot; and I'm missing him, too. But MK's here with me instead. He's helping a lot with the stress. He's very quietly supportive, just being nearby and keeping me company. I really appreciate him being here with me. He's helped me get to the point of crying that I needed to be at. He's not left my side, making sure that I'm okay. It helps.
A few days ago, I got a call to come see him in the hospital. He has multiple tumors in his brain. They are not operable, and it's an aggressive cancer that will take him quickly, by all indications. So I've spend the last five days sitting in his hotel room. I've tried to keep up with what doctors are telling us - and not telling us. I've talked about some hard subjects with my Dad, trying to help him make the decisions he needs to make. And I've been telling him goodbye. Not necessarily by saying the word 'goodbye', but just by spending some time with him - listening, talking, reminiscing.
It's been nice, seeing my Dad, seeing his siblings. It's been hard, seeing him so easily confused, and knowing that he's got a limited amount of time left. I finally managed to cry a lot last night, and some more today. I'm sad, but I'm glad I'm getting to help out with him and to see him as well. All five of his brothers and sisters came to see him. I missed one of them, but saw the rest. And his father, who is 94 years old, was brought by, too. Even my best friend came from home to see him. So there's been a lot of visiting.
And because I'm around family, and trying to be all strong and together, I'm not switching any, either. I switched a little bit a couple of times when we weren't at the hospital, but mostly it's just me. This is my Dad, not everyone else's. It's pretty stressful on me when I'm not switching.
Boss couldn't come up; he had to work. I know he's missing me being at home a lot; and I'm missing him, too. But MK's here with me instead. He's helping a lot with the stress. He's very quietly supportive, just being nearby and keeping me company. I really appreciate him being here with me. He's helped me get to the point of crying that I needed to be at. He's not left my side, making sure that I'm okay. It helps.
Friday, May 23, 2014
Lego Containers [Paul]
I had some other ideas for how I wanted to store legos, but the other idea turned out to be pretty expensive, so I'm going with these.
-Paul
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Emergency Contact Plan [Me]
Yesterday we had a pretty strong scare, but we tested our 'emergency plan', and it worked. In the end, no harm done.
We went to Green Hills Mall after work. All of us love The Container Store, so that was our only planned destination. We went in and spent some money on Lego containers. Very nice. And that's about all I have a clear memory of. The rest is pieced together by several of us.
There is a Lush store in the mall. Lush is full of scents that we are allergic to and should avoid like the plague. But there is a single item that Boss uses and was out of. Somehow, we wandered down to that end of the mall (about as far away from The Container Store as you can get). Maybe just to locate the store and report back to the family? Anyway, we could see the item he needed from the hallway. Apparently the decision was made to rush in, grab it, buy it, and get out. Which worked up until we got to the register and took our first breath.
We managed to pay and exit, and found a bench not far from the store. Dizzy, shallow breathing. Couldn't focus, concentrated on not passing out. Eventually able to stand up and start shuffling toward the other end. I remember thinking that, unless I actually passed out, no one was going to offer to help me. So I needed to get there on my own.
By the exit doors to the parking lot, there is a Panera Bread. We stumbled into the restaurant and collapsed at a table. The air was less scented in there, and no one seemed to mind if we just sat for a while. Something about the major can't-breathe-attack drives all the personalities out, including me. So we really were just kind of a jumbled blank mess without much thought or function.
Eventually we gathered enough function to realize we should call for help. We got out the phone, but dialing was not going to happen. We were able to get to messaging and send some random letters to Boss as a text. He replied back asking if it was a butt-text, and we were able to hit the buttons that made the phone call him. He answered, but we were unable to get any words out at first, just noise and breathing. The phone call worked, though, because after a few minutes Kiara realized she was out. He talked to her until she was all the way out, and talked her through getting a soda.
This is what we planned for emergencies, and it worked. Eventually, she switched back to me and I was able to drive home. So yeah, it was panicky and awful. But the plan worked, and everything was okay.
We went to Green Hills Mall after work. All of us love The Container Store, so that was our only planned destination. We went in and spent some money on Lego containers. Very nice. And that's about all I have a clear memory of. The rest is pieced together by several of us.
There is a Lush store in the mall. Lush is full of scents that we are allergic to and should avoid like the plague. But there is a single item that Boss uses and was out of. Somehow, we wandered down to that end of the mall (about as far away from The Container Store as you can get). Maybe just to locate the store and report back to the family? Anyway, we could see the item he needed from the hallway. Apparently the decision was made to rush in, grab it, buy it, and get out. Which worked up until we got to the register and took our first breath.
We managed to pay and exit, and found a bench not far from the store. Dizzy, shallow breathing. Couldn't focus, concentrated on not passing out. Eventually able to stand up and start shuffling toward the other end. I remember thinking that, unless I actually passed out, no one was going to offer to help me. So I needed to get there on my own.
By the exit doors to the parking lot, there is a Panera Bread. We stumbled into the restaurant and collapsed at a table. The air was less scented in there, and no one seemed to mind if we just sat for a while. Something about the major can't-breathe-attack drives all the personalities out, including me. So we really were just kind of a jumbled blank mess without much thought or function.
Eventually we gathered enough function to realize we should call for help. We got out the phone, but dialing was not going to happen. We were able to get to messaging and send some random letters to Boss as a text. He replied back asking if it was a butt-text, and we were able to hit the buttons that made the phone call him. He answered, but we were unable to get any words out at first, just noise and breathing. The phone call worked, though, because after a few minutes Kiara realized she was out. He talked to her until she was all the way out, and talked her through getting a soda.
This is what we planned for emergencies, and it worked. Eventually, she switched back to me and I was able to drive home. So yeah, it was panicky and awful. But the plan worked, and everything was okay.
Friday, May 2, 2014
Updated Spreadsheet [Me]
I've updated the spreadsheet I made for all of us alters and our differences. Only a few small changes.
I listed Baby Paul as separate from Paul. But I kept all Paul's older ages together. Paul's a system within the system, with ages 3, 8, 11, and 14. But the difference between 3 and the others is a big one.
Also, Rubi upped her age from 17 to 19, which I think is fair, since she's definitely grown a lot in the last couple of years.I think it might have something to do with 19 being the minimum age for the dungeon we go to, also.I could be wrong.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
All Moved In [Me]
So we've been in the new house for seven weeks now, and it's really feeling like home for me. Kiara and Paul, too, seem to be settling in. We don't have a bedroom, as such, but instead have two non-bed-rooms. Downstairs, we big girls have an office-library-music room with my piano and books and clothes. Upstairs, the kids have a playroom for legos and stuffed animals and other toys. The kids have definitely been busy setting up stuff upstairs, so I feel like they're reasonably comfortable. I've seen Gracelyn out doing housework-type stuff a few times, too, so I think she's good.
The ones I worry about are Stephanie and Silent One. They both have such an odd way of looking at the world that I'm not sure how they'll take things. We haven't seen Stephanie at all since we moved. At some point, Boss is going to have to pull her out on purpose, show her the new place and give her an idea what's expected of her. I'd rather him do it on purpose than her come out by accident, but honestly, I'm okay with her not coming out at all. It's pretty unpleasant having her out, really. She's terrified all the time, and suffers a lot of pain. This world is very hard for her to understand; electricity and running water are both magic to her. She's convinced that Boss is some sort of wizard, and that's why his house has these things. So she's happy to be his slave because she gets to use the magic bathroom. Which makes her want to please him so that he'll keep her.
Silent One is no less worrisome. It has come out once since we moved in. It woke up in our bed and immediately realized it was not in the den it was used to. Being in a strange den and not knowing where it was or who was around, it played asleep for a long time. It heard someone move in the other room, and then someone upstairs, and it was really jumpy. Even having Boss nearby didn't seem to help. It was very passive and limp, not even exploring the spot it found itself in. I think it was just terrified. So that's another one we've got to get out and introduce to the place, hopefully under Boss's control. Again, it being reticent to come out actually makes my life easier, but will have to be dealt with sooner or later.
The ones I worry about are Stephanie and Silent One. They both have such an odd way of looking at the world that I'm not sure how they'll take things. We haven't seen Stephanie at all since we moved. At some point, Boss is going to have to pull her out on purpose, show her the new place and give her an idea what's expected of her. I'd rather him do it on purpose than her come out by accident, but honestly, I'm okay with her not coming out at all. It's pretty unpleasant having her out, really. She's terrified all the time, and suffers a lot of pain. This world is very hard for her to understand; electricity and running water are both magic to her. She's convinced that Boss is some sort of wizard, and that's why his house has these things. So she's happy to be his slave because she gets to use the magic bathroom. Which makes her want to please him so that he'll keep her.
Silent One is no less worrisome. It has come out once since we moved in. It woke up in our bed and immediately realized it was not in the den it was used to. Being in a strange den and not knowing where it was or who was around, it played asleep for a long time. It heard someone move in the other room, and then someone upstairs, and it was really jumpy. Even having Boss nearby didn't seem to help. It was very passive and limp, not even exploring the spot it found itself in. I think it was just terrified. So that's another one we've got to get out and introduce to the place, hopefully under Boss's control. Again, it being reticent to come out actually makes my life easier, but will have to be dealt with sooner or later.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Status Report (Me)
Okay, moving has Happened. We got everything moved out of the old apartment and storage and moved into the new house. We've been in the new house for over a month, and I've been really really busy unpacking and cleaning and washing and sorting and organizing and unpacking some more. But all four of us are now living in the house (me, Boss, MK, and Metamour), and it's pretty wonderful almost all the time.
The week of moving was a major headache, not that that's any surprise. We had to put down my dog that week, and also it worked out that the day we moved was also Kiara (and Paul)'s birthday. So no big celebration for the kids. But we got through Moving Week, and moved on from there.
Then MK moved in a couple weeks later. I see a huge difference in his outlook since he's moved in. He's been a lot happier and more relaxed than before the move. As hermit-like as he likes to be, being around other people really is good for him. He's also put out some real effort to communicate with the family group and just to hang out and chat as well, even those unpleasant conversations about rules and money and scheduling. The effort he's made does make a lot of difference. I think it's helped ease Boss's fears a bit, too, about the two of them living in the same house.
So the apartment and storage are No More. Next is the old house, Motel M. The plan is to get all MK's stuff out of there into his storage, then clean that bedroom really thoroughly. Then move most of my daughter's stuff in there and clean the rest of the house thoroughly. Then try to sell the house. It's going to be more hard work, but it's no longer feeling like an overwhelming task.
No moving-related stuff this weekend; we're headed to a kink convention. Given how tight money is, I feel guilty going. But the tickets are already paid for, as well as one night of the hotel. We're packing food, so really it's just gas and two more nights at the hotel. We can do this. This'll be my fifth year at this con. And if it gets any more disorganized, maybe my last.
Um, multi stuff, since this is a blog about being multiple. Well, nothing much to say right now. No one's blowing up. We aren't sharing really well; I'm mostly out most the time because there's so much to do. But Paul and Kiara are coming out from time to time, and I'm feeling others nearby and available. I think we're too busy externally to have issues internally - or too tired.
The week of moving was a major headache, not that that's any surprise. We had to put down my dog that week, and also it worked out that the day we moved was also Kiara (and Paul)'s birthday. So no big celebration for the kids. But we got through Moving Week, and moved on from there.
Then MK moved in a couple weeks later. I see a huge difference in his outlook since he's moved in. He's been a lot happier and more relaxed than before the move. As hermit-like as he likes to be, being around other people really is good for him. He's also put out some real effort to communicate with the family group and just to hang out and chat as well, even those unpleasant conversations about rules and money and scheduling. The effort he's made does make a lot of difference. I think it's helped ease Boss's fears a bit, too, about the two of them living in the same house.
So the apartment and storage are No More. Next is the old house, Motel M. The plan is to get all MK's stuff out of there into his storage, then clean that bedroom really thoroughly. Then move most of my daughter's stuff in there and clean the rest of the house thoroughly. Then try to sell the house. It's going to be more hard work, but it's no longer feeling like an overwhelming task.
No moving-related stuff this weekend; we're headed to a kink convention. Given how tight money is, I feel guilty going. But the tickets are already paid for, as well as one night of the hotel. We're packing food, so really it's just gas and two more nights at the hotel. We can do this. This'll be my fifth year at this con. And if it gets any more disorganized, maybe my last.
Um, multi stuff, since this is a blog about being multiple. Well, nothing much to say right now. No one's blowing up. We aren't sharing really well; I'm mostly out most the time because there's so much to do. But Paul and Kiara are coming out from time to time, and I'm feeling others nearby and available. I think we're too busy externally to have issues internally - or too tired.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Big Things Happening 2 [Me]
Things are still crazy busy, but I'm a lot less depressed about them. Because now we're Doing Stuff about the moving. We've signed the lease and cleaned the new place and started working on the to-do list, getting the movers arranged and planning on cutting utilities on and off, even packing a few boxes. I feel so much better about loads of stuff to do when progress is being made.
In addition to the moving stuff, I'm dealing with a very sick dog. He's old, and really started showing it in the last several weeks. He's gone downhill steadily, and started having some seizures last week. There are (expensive) things we could do to try and fix the current issue, but he would still be a 14+ year old dog. I think he's just given up. So I'm facing having him put down, either in the next few days or the next few weeks, depending on how the next couple of days goes. It's not looking good.
We also had house guests twice this weekend, including my daughter returning from her conference back to school. It was fantastic to see her, but stressful to arrange things, and we stayed up very late last night working with her on ropework. She's doing a presentation on shibari for school, so obviously she asked me for help. Which I was happy to give her.
Because of all the stress, we're having a lot of trouble shifting around. Which means I'm out almost all the time. It makes me extra-tired, because I'm used to getting frequent breaks. The kids did manage to come out for a few minutes to see my daughter and get birthday presents from her, though.
So yeah, I expect to be stressed for the next few weeks as we deal with moving and stuff. It's going to be great in the end, but I'm asking for extra patience from folks until then. And some extra hugs too.
In addition to the moving stuff, I'm dealing with a very sick dog. He's old, and really started showing it in the last several weeks. He's gone downhill steadily, and started having some seizures last week. There are (expensive) things we could do to try and fix the current issue, but he would still be a 14+ year old dog. I think he's just given up. So I'm facing having him put down, either in the next few days or the next few weeks, depending on how the next couple of days goes. It's not looking good.
We also had house guests twice this weekend, including my daughter returning from her conference back to school. It was fantastic to see her, but stressful to arrange things, and we stayed up very late last night working with her on ropework. She's doing a presentation on shibari for school, so obviously she asked me for help. Which I was happy to give her.
Because of all the stress, we're having a lot of trouble shifting around. Which means I'm out almost all the time. It makes me extra-tired, because I'm used to getting frequent breaks. The kids did manage to come out for a few minutes to see my daughter and get birthday presents from her, though.
So yeah, I expect to be stressed for the next few weeks as we deal with moving and stuff. It's going to be great in the end, but I'm asking for extra patience from folks until then. And some extra hugs too.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Baby Paul a little older [Paul]
The other night, I was out (Paul). We need to pack so we can move, and I got some new Lego sets recently (including a DRAGON!), so M decided to break those down and put them away so they're ready to move. Usually, breaking down and sorting Legos is something that Kiara and me both like a lot, so it wasn't surprising when we slid from M being out to her and me both, and then to just me. That's totally normal for doing Lego stuff.
But then it got weird. I was probably 11 when I started working on them, but slid back to 8 before I knew it was happening. Most of the time, age shifts are pretty hard/break kinda things. But this time, it was a real slip-n-slide backward. When I got to 8, I thought I'd stop, but I kept slipping back more. Usually, my younger-than-8 selves are really separate from the older mes. That's why we call them Baby Paul, like a whole different alter.
Well, eventually we couldn't work on the Legos anymore; Baby Paul isn't allowed to play with them, and doesn't know how to sort them or anything. About that time, Boss came in, and he offered to read Baby Paul some books. Now, BP didn't even know about books until Boss showed him some, so it was pretty exciting to see him grab the books M had bought for him. Even cooler, he obviously knew Goodnight Moon, and talked a little bit along with it!
BP usually doesn't talk much, just looks and maybe reaches. But this time he said "mow" for the kittens and "rar" for the bears, and said "shh" with the little old lady. Usually BP is two years old, but I really got the feeling he was a little older, maybe three years old. He even gestured to ask Boss to watch cartoons on his phone, like they had done once before. He's way behind other little kids his age talking, but that doesn't surprise me, given my history growing up.
Everything was going so well, Boss tried to get BP to leave the room. What Boss doesn't know is that Baby Paul had left, earlier, when we were still alone in our room. There was a scratching noise in the hall, and he had snuck down and opened a door, letting the cat out of a room it was trapped in. But nobody saw that 'cept me.
So anyway, Boss called the dog over for BP to pet. I'm pretty much the only one of our system that will pet the dogs, because we're really allergic to them. But I'm really careful only to let one hand touch them and nothing else, and then to go wash my hands quick when I'm done. But Boss didn't know that, so he let BP pet the dog, and the dog rolled onto our legs and licked our arm and rubbed all over us. So yeah, the allergic reaction wasn't far behind. Baby Paul started scratching all over, and whining a lot. Boss had to pull him into the bathroom and strip off his clothes and wash him good. We had hives for a whole day or more after.
But aside from the allergic reaction, Baby Paul being out was really cool. He got some acting-like-a-toddler time out where he wasn't scared and somebody was taking care of him and being nice. That's pretty rare to come across in my world. So I'm really glad it happened. Looking back, I think I told the story out of order some, but it's not really important. I still have to get those Legos sorted before we move, though.
But then it got weird. I was probably 11 when I started working on them, but slid back to 8 before I knew it was happening. Most of the time, age shifts are pretty hard/break kinda things. But this time, it was a real slip-n-slide backward. When I got to 8, I thought I'd stop, but I kept slipping back more. Usually, my younger-than-8 selves are really separate from the older mes. That's why we call them Baby Paul, like a whole different alter.
Well, eventually we couldn't work on the Legos anymore; Baby Paul isn't allowed to play with them, and doesn't know how to sort them or anything. About that time, Boss came in, and he offered to read Baby Paul some books. Now, BP didn't even know about books until Boss showed him some, so it was pretty exciting to see him grab the books M had bought for him. Even cooler, he obviously knew Goodnight Moon, and talked a little bit along with it!
BP usually doesn't talk much, just looks and maybe reaches. But this time he said "mow" for the kittens and "rar" for the bears, and said "shh" with the little old lady. Usually BP is two years old, but I really got the feeling he was a little older, maybe three years old. He even gestured to ask Boss to watch cartoons on his phone, like they had done once before. He's way behind other little kids his age talking, but that doesn't surprise me, given my history growing up.
Everything was going so well, Boss tried to get BP to leave the room. What Boss doesn't know is that Baby Paul had left, earlier, when we were still alone in our room. There was a scratching noise in the hall, and he had snuck down and opened a door, letting the cat out of a room it was trapped in. But nobody saw that 'cept me.
So anyway, Boss called the dog over for BP to pet. I'm pretty much the only one of our system that will pet the dogs, because we're really allergic to them. But I'm really careful only to let one hand touch them and nothing else, and then to go wash my hands quick when I'm done. But Boss didn't know that, so he let BP pet the dog, and the dog rolled onto our legs and licked our arm and rubbed all over us. So yeah, the allergic reaction wasn't far behind. Baby Paul started scratching all over, and whining a lot. Boss had to pull him into the bathroom and strip off his clothes and wash him good. We had hives for a whole day or more after.
But aside from the allergic reaction, Baby Paul being out was really cool. He got some acting-like-a-toddler time out where he wasn't scared and somebody was taking care of him and being nice. That's pretty rare to come across in my world. So I'm really glad it happened. Looking back, I think I told the story out of order some, but it's not really important. I still have to get those Legos sorted before we move, though.
Big Things Happening [Me]
I'm being poked at to blog. Because I haven't. Because I have too much to say. Today may be a bad day for it, because I'm fighting off a 'depressed'. I'm really in need of some non-sexual skin-contact cuddling and petting. Just comfort, really. I think it's because I am just overwhelmed with so many things that I need to do and get done.
Let's see, the little stuff first.
My birthday was last week, and Kiara/Paul's is next week. The body was born February 26, and all the adults in the system are fine claiming that as their birthday. Kiara claims March 11 as her birthday, and invited Paul to share it, so the kids have their own birthday, two weeks after mine.
The 2nd anniversary of my collaring to Boss was last week, also. We didn't celebrate quite the way we intended. We were going to do a scene with needles (yuck) the Saturday before, but we were waiting for late in the evening. So early in the evening, Kiara asked Boss for a little spanking. It started out well, but he thought she had switched out and escalated. She hadn't switched out, so she ended up mad at him, and put us both off-balance. We didn't recover from it that evening, so we just went home early. We did make up the scene the next weekend.
My work's being a little crazy. They fired 17 people all at once about a month ago. I was part of a two-person helpdesk, and the other person was one of the Seventeen. So I'm now on-call 24/7 as the only person on the Helpdesk, and I'm scrambling a little trying to figure out some of the things that the other girl did and I don't really know how to do. We're still fiddling with how things work now, so there's some unsureness going on there.
My daughter passed through town going to a conference, and will be coming back through on Sunday headed back. This is good, but extra hassle trying to figure scheduling and sleeping arrangements and such.
I've been having a lot of doctor-health-stuff lately, as you probably read in earlier blogs. Which also means extra money issues. I got billed an extra $400 for the liver biopsy over and above what they told me. I went back to the gastroenterologist to get HepA & B vaccinations, and soon will be going to an hematologist to have blood drawn regularly to get my ferritin levels down.
And the big stuff. We're moving. We found a house that we all four like. Yeah, that's great stuff, not depressing stuff. But what comes along with it are money stresses (as we pay for three places to live for the next month), lists of things to do, packing & unpacking, getting utilities transferred and movers booked, and all other kinds of stuff to make it happen. So I'm excited, but flooded with Stuff To Do. And of course, because I am who I am, I feel like every little piece of it is my responsibility. Even though there are three other adults involved.
And because I'm feeling overwhelmed and a bit depressed, my mind is attributing motivations to other people's actions that are probably completely made up. Like MK has cancelled on a couple of nights to come over and hang out. I feel like he's avoiding me, right when I really need some cuddling. Of course, the logical part of my brain mentions the fact that he's probably really really busy at work, as evidenced by his getting home from work at like 8pm each night. I know, because that's when he's texting me that he just got home and doesn't feel like coming over. But yeah, feels like he's just not interested - because I'm stressed - not his fault.
So yeah, lots of good things happening, but just stressed out about it all. Birthdays (one down and one more to go). Anniversaries (we beat the two-year expiration point!). Work (I'm the one who stayed, not the one who got fired). Getting to see the Girl - twice! Health stuff - no hemochromatosis. Found a house to live together (lots of stuff to do).
Let's see, the little stuff first.
My birthday was last week, and Kiara/Paul's is next week. The body was born February 26, and all the adults in the system are fine claiming that as their birthday. Kiara claims March 11 as her birthday, and invited Paul to share it, so the kids have their own birthday, two weeks after mine.
The 2nd anniversary of my collaring to Boss was last week, also. We didn't celebrate quite the way we intended. We were going to do a scene with needles (yuck) the Saturday before, but we were waiting for late in the evening. So early in the evening, Kiara asked Boss for a little spanking. It started out well, but he thought she had switched out and escalated. She hadn't switched out, so she ended up mad at him, and put us both off-balance. We didn't recover from it that evening, so we just went home early. We did make up the scene the next weekend.
My work's being a little crazy. They fired 17 people all at once about a month ago. I was part of a two-person helpdesk, and the other person was one of the Seventeen. So I'm now on-call 24/7 as the only person on the Helpdesk, and I'm scrambling a little trying to figure out some of the things that the other girl did and I don't really know how to do. We're still fiddling with how things work now, so there's some unsureness going on there.
My daughter passed through town going to a conference, and will be coming back through on Sunday headed back. This is good, but extra hassle trying to figure scheduling and sleeping arrangements and such.
I've been having a lot of doctor-health-stuff lately, as you probably read in earlier blogs. Which also means extra money issues. I got billed an extra $400 for the liver biopsy over and above what they told me. I went back to the gastroenterologist to get HepA & B vaccinations, and soon will be going to an hematologist to have blood drawn regularly to get my ferritin levels down.
And the big stuff. We're moving. We found a house that we all four like. Yeah, that's great stuff, not depressing stuff. But what comes along with it are money stresses (as we pay for three places to live for the next month), lists of things to do, packing & unpacking, getting utilities transferred and movers booked, and all other kinds of stuff to make it happen. So I'm excited, but flooded with Stuff To Do. And of course, because I am who I am, I feel like every little piece of it is my responsibility. Even though there are three other adults involved.
And because I'm feeling overwhelmed and a bit depressed, my mind is attributing motivations to other people's actions that are probably completely made up. Like MK has cancelled on a couple of nights to come over and hang out. I feel like he's avoiding me, right when I really need some cuddling. Of course, the logical part of my brain mentions the fact that he's probably really really busy at work, as evidenced by his getting home from work at like 8pm each night. I know, because that's when he's texting me that he just got home and doesn't feel like coming over. But yeah, feels like he's just not interested - because I'm stressed - not his fault.
So yeah, lots of good things happening, but just stressed out about it all. Birthdays (one down and one more to go). Anniversaries (we beat the two-year expiration point!). Work (I'm the one who stayed, not the one who got fired). Getting to see the Girl - twice! Health stuff - no hemochromatosis. Found a house to live together (lots of stuff to do).
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