My mood swings have been improving lately. I asked the doctor to set me up on some anxiety meds to calm me down. He put me on Vistaril, which is anti-anxiety, anti-psychotic, and oddly enough, antihistamine. It's actually helping more than I anticipated, though of course I wonder how much of that is because I was told it would work. The anger flashes are still happening, but more rarely, and of much less intensity. The depression and sadness are still there, but I feel a little bit removed from them. They don't seem to be as all-consuming. So that's good.
The major side effect is that I get horribly sleepy after taking it - sometimes. Some nights thirty minutes after I take it, and some nights a couple of hours after taking it. Some nights I haven't seen any problem. But I get drugged-sleepy, like nearly walking into walls sleepy. Last week, it hit me hard on date night with MK, and all I could do was go to bed. He laid nearby with me, but that was the whole date. Wow, excitement...
I was worried that it would affect my switching about. All drugs, as well as stress, seem to affect my switching about. And I'm switching less, but I am switching, and I can mostly control it. So I don't think I've 'lost' anyone, or dropped the ability to deal with my multiplicity because of the drugs. Honestly, I see the less switching as more a progression from how I was doing before finding out my dad was dying.
So I'm hoping the drowsiness will pass as I get more used to the drug. I am enjoying the deeper sleep at night, but I feel like I need a little extra time to sleep. So in theory, bedtime is earlier. We'll see if I can do it.
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Dad went back to the hospital yesterday. It worried me; I had this flash of panic that 'this is it'. But this time it was complications from one of the meds he's on.
My daughter still hasn't been able to get free to go see him and say goodbye. I'm worried how she'll take it if she doesn't see him before it happens. She has the potential for a lot of guilt for not doing the right thing. And even though she hasn't ever been close to him, his dying will hurt her a lot more than it will me. She just feels more than I do, it seems.
I talked to Dad's wife before and after the ER trip yesterday. I ended up playing counselor for her, because she's struggling to do the right thing for Dad, to make the decisions with him and how he wants them. But his family (my family) is resisting her. She feels a lot of antagonism from them, specifically from one of my aunts. And I keep telling her to let that go, don't engage, and deal with this for Dad. The problem is, she deserves the resistance. Yes, the aunt in question can be overbearing and is known for marginalizing the spouses of her siblings, but the wife is pretty antagonistic and poisonous, too. For the last fifteen-plus years, I've avoided getting close to my dad because of his wife's venom. But he's dying, and I'll put up with her for his sake until he's gone. So here I am, playing counselor for this woman I don't like, trying to encourage her to get along with everyone for his sake.
How come I have to be the grown-up in this case? Yes, my aunt is losing her brother, and the wife is losing her husband. I'm losing my Daddy, too, you know.
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