I'm struggling this week, more than last week. I'm definitely fighting off being depressed. And this time, it's coming in delightful little bursts of sarcasm and anger (that 'delightful' was sarcastic, if you didn't catch it). I'm getting flashes of being irrationally angry at people. And along with the anger comes a biting bitchy remark in my head that I'm just barely keeping from letting out my mouth. It would be acceptable if the target of said angry remarks deserved it, but that hasn't been true. It'll be something simple, like someone saying 'excuse me' to pass me in the hall, and I'll hear, loud and clear in my head, "Well if you weren't travelling down the WRONG side of the hallway, then it wouldn't be MY PROBLEM to get out of your FUCKING way!" It just totally out of proportion to whatever the micro-offense might be.
So I'm working hard to contain these flashes of anger, because they aren't justified, and they're about me, not about whoever I'm angry at. Oh, and I want to get angry at someone. I want to have a screaming, in-your-face, breaking plates and throwing things against the wall kind of fight with someone. Except the someones that are most likely the targets for a big fight are people that haven't done anything to make me angry; in fact they've tried to help me feel better.
At first I thought the anger was Rubi's. Anger is usually her emotion; she's a frothing pit of teenage anger. But it's not her; she's doing just fine. No, this is my anger.
The only thing I feel like I can potentially legitimately blame it on is that my father is dying. I'm not exactly sad about this. I mean I am, but it's not crippling sadness. He's been more or less out of my life for twenty years. It's a shame he and I didn't get to be friends again before he turned out to have deadly cancer in his brain. But it's not really going to change much in my day-to-day life. So I have trouble being really sad about it, except in little bursts when I'm actually thinking about it. Like now, because I'm writing about it.
So what else can I be depressed and angry about? Work's going great. I feel capable and appreciated and well-paid and encouraged. Best job I've ever had. My kink-teaching is going great, too. We just taught a Blade Play class and I'm teaching Dungeon 101 tonight. I've also submitted to teach at two cons this fall, the same ones I taught at last year. Soon it'll be time to start looking at teaching Pro101 again. Money's tight, but that's nothing new - and I can see a potential light at the end of the tunnel now that the old house is on the market. There's still a lot we need to find time to do on the house, but it's no longer an overwhelming amount. Just a few hours should do it.
The only place where things aren't all hopeful and nice are relationships. I knew all of us moving in together would require some adjustment. And it still is doing so. I don't get to spend much more time with MK than before he moved in. But I really love getting to just touch him or give him a quick hug as we all pass by going in and out. I know he's either depressed or kinda sick right now, but I don't know what I can do to help him. Boss is also in a pretty needy place right now. He needs me to be all touchy-feely-sexy with him and comfort him and reassure him that, even though my other boyfriend is in the house, he's still all-important and needed by me. But I'm so far from touchy-feely-sexy right now. I feel a huge aversion to touch right now, especially sexual touch, which is unusual for me, as is the anger. I need hugs and pats and then to be left alone at arm's reach. Which translates to Boss as 'Fine, I touched you. Now leave me alone.' But what I mean is, 'Here's a touch; it's all I can handle, and I want it to go to you.'
I am committed to both of my guys. I want the four of us (don't forget the Metamour!) to be together five years from now, ten years from now. But today, I really wish I lived by myself, so I could pout and mope and be miserable without anyone else around. And then I could scream and throw things against the wall until I felt better.
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