I have Dissociative Identity Disorder
October 27, 2014 at 12:48pm
A few weeks ago, one of those ribbon pictures (this one was green) went around Facebook. It said:Mental Illness Awareness Week is October 5-11.Many people I know reposted the ribbon, and declared the mental illness they are living with. I did too:
1 in 4 people live with mental illness.
Speak out and end the stigma.
I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. With the help of my friends and family, I am living healthily within my condition.
I had very mixed feelings about declaring my condition. There was a lot of fear. Posting that meant admitting it publicly, in writing. Most of the people I know already know that I'm a multiple. But not all of them. And it's Facebook; most people didn't even read what I wrote, and those who did were already friends, at least to the extent that I am friends with them on Facebook. But putting it out there in writing, where I couldn't control face-to-face who I'm telling, that was scary. So what was the backlash? Two friends 'liked' the post, both of whom already knew, and one of whom is a multiple herself. That was it.
I've thought about this for a couple of weeks, and I've decided I am ready to be more public about being a multiple. I've told everyone close to me, everyone important to me. Some of my extended family don't know; my coworkers don't know. Of course, I don't have coworkers on my Facebook, except those I am friends with separate from work.
So this may be a surprise to some of you reading this. Like everything else in my life, I'm happy to answer any questions you're ready to ask me. If you don't ask any, I'll try to respect your choice and not bring the subject up. I'm going to answer a few basic questions about DID - and my experience of it - here. If there are questions you think I should answer, please comment them and I'll do my best with them.
Terms
- multiple, multiplicity - I don't like the term Dissociative Identity Disorder. I don't feel disordered; I'm functioning okay. So I prefer to say I'm a multiple and talk about my multiplicity instead.
- alter, other, personality - There are several people that share my body. I use the term 'alter' a lot; other multiples don't like the term.
- front - The front is the position controlling the body; to front is to be in that position.
- switch - We take turns being in control of the body. A switch is when we change who is in control
- switchy - If we are switching rapidly, or feel like a switch is imminent. Sometimes several alters are paying close attention to the outside world.
- mixey, co-conscious (co-con) - Sometimes two alters can share control of the body.
- little - Alters who are children are common in multiples. I have two littles.
- age-slider - Alters don't always stay the same. One of my littles is an age slider; sometimes he is younger, sometimes older.
- trigger warning - Some things 'trigger', or bring out, certain alters, sometimes unexpectedly and perhaps forcefully. Multiples have to learn what triggers certain alters and be ready to deal with them.
- integration - This can be a triggering concept to multiples. The therapy world defaults to integrating multiples, helping them combine and merge until they are a single whole person. Many multiples resist this idea. I am one of them; I enjoy being a multiple and would not undo it if I could.
How long have you been a multiple?
I diagnosed myself in the spring and summer of 2009. So I've known for over 5 years now. But I've probably always been splintered. In retrospect, I have recognized at least one of my alters in my behavior about 20 years ago. I have very few clear memories of my childhood, and that is likely because I wasn't present for all of it.
How many of you are there, and can I meet them all?
The exact makeup of my internal cast varies from time to time, but I usually come back to having about nine of us. Some of us are very friendly, but others don't come out except for very specific situations. Some alters will make their own friends, if they find certain people 'safe' to be around. If you want to meet and/or befriend individuals, you should talk to me separately about that.
What if I don't like your alters, or don't want to deal with it?
That's fine. This is my issue, my condition - my reality - not yours. Until you've met anyone other than Martha, then Martha is who I am to you. It's like meeting someone who is part of a family. You don't have to like their brothers and sisters to be friends with them. You probably have to learn to get along with their siblings if you end up being really close with them, though.
What is it like to have other people in your head?
There is no one way to describe it. Every person experiences it differently. Each alter may experience it differently as well. And it changes over time. I have found one video that showed an experience that 'felt' right; here's the link - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjTOs1L3SBg. The one thing I hate about it is that is takes place in a mental institution setting; which really is unnecessary for most multiples.
Do you think I might be a multiple?
There is no way that I can answer this for another person. Everyone has moments of dissociation. For most people, they pass. If you're asking the question, it's probably a 'no'. I accepted that I was a multiple when I really just couldn't deny it any more. Sometimes I find myself doubting it again, but then I switch and can't possibly deny it.
I want to learn more - where can I do my own research?
- WebMD's description: http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/dissociative-identity-disorder-multiple-personality-disorder
- Essortment's description: http://www.essortment.com/dissociative-identity-disorder-16819.html
- There are many many books written by or about multiples. Some are good; some are awful.
Can I read your blog?
- Many multiples keep a blog of their experiences. I suggest you search on your own.
My blog goes into a lot of detail about being multiple, but it also goes into detail about other areas of my life that I'm not willing to be really public with. So if you'd like to read it, please ask me for the address, but I may decline to share it with you.
And then I waited to see what would happen. Boss's mother said something supportive. Seven people liked it, including my mother. And that was it. Either people didn't read it, or people didn't care. I kind of wanted reactions. But I didn't. So that was interesting.
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