As a singleton, I had tried a variety of relationship types for myself. I've been married twice, and never had a relationship outside my marriage (wish I could say the same for the husbands). I chose to go through six years of abstinence, trying to grow up and learn how to be a single adult before throwing someone else into the mix. And I've tried being serially monogomous - as it turns out, I end up being pretty fickle, tiring quickly of whomever I'm with. But now I'm reasonably comfortable declaring myself to be polyamorous. I definitely have room in my heart to care deeply for several distinct people in different types of relationships. I don't see myself being happy with only one partner, nor do I think it possible for one partner to meet the variety of needs I have.
And that's just me. There's several more people inside me to consider. What I consider prime 'boyfriend material' is just not going to appeal the same way to everyone else. I want someone who can be a friend, a partner in the things that I do, and a sex partner. But I need someone who is grown-up enough to take care of themselves, as well. Sam and I are the most similar, but she wants a partner in crime, someone she can play with, fight with, and yeah, have sex with. She needs someone who's tough enough to keep up with her. Rubi wants someone tough, too, but someone with a decided dark edge to their personality, someone who can make her suffer and enjoy it. She needs someone who can control her, keep her from getting too deep into the darkness. At the other end of the spectrum, Kiara wants a playmate, someone to snuggle with and be petted by. She needs someone to babysit her and protect her and encourage her.
So how could one boyfriend going to meet all those wants and needs? Is it fair - or even sane - to ask all that from one person? And how do we figure out who gets to be with him at any given time? I know that we, as a group, are incredibly demanding on a time and emotional basis. Does it not make more sense for each of us to have, or pursue, our own relationships? It's certainly necessary that anyone who has a relationship with one of us must be at least friendly with the others, because we don't shift to one persona and just stay there. But different people certainly get more of one of us than another. And different people will 'click' with one or another of us more strongly. Many friends we have tend to draw out one alter or another more. Kiara has her favorite people, Rubi has hers. And so does everyone else. We all want to hang out with our particular friends, though. A few examples...
My boyfriend still has to sometimes take care of childish Kiara, or deal with Rubi's sullen teen angst. But he's My boyfriend, and spends time with Me more than anyone else. He works just fine with any of us girls, and is learning more and more how to recognize and interact with each alter as they come out.
Then there's my Dom (BDSM term - dominant). I submit myself to him, and I have had a very powerful emotional - not romantic - connection to him. He has such a powerful strenth of will that he has no problems controlling Sam and Rubi and taking anything they want to try pushing him on. Kiara, however, is afraid of him, and won't interact directly with him.
But another person I see a lot of clicks very strongly with Kiara. She simply adores him - gets nearly giddy when she's with him. And I enjoy playing and flirting with him too - I would say we're 'romantically inclined friends'. But Sam and Rubi don't spend a lot of time with him because they can't fight back with him a lot. He doesn't appreciate being beat up on, and they get bored with being good for him.
Rubi has found someone to play with at the club that will take her down and make her suffer in all the ways she needs - and that means a curb on her natural self-destructive behaviors at home. Sam and I enjoy our play with him too, but once Rubi takes over is when that relationship really starts to heat up. And yet, he's proved himself direct enough that Kiara has no fear of him and will visit with him a little.
And then there's Jarett. My darling heterosexual male alter with all the wrong parts attached. I've been struggling with the concept of how he can have a fulfilling romantic relationship. Unfortunately, I don't go for girls; it would make things easier if I did, but there we are. Or if he liked boys, that would be great, but no. And he doesn't seem to be too thrilled with the BDSM stuff we girls are into, either. So he sits in the background and tries not to get caught ogling the ladies too often. Recently, a female friend of mine has been flirting with Jarett in particular. She knows I'm multiple, so we've talked a little about it, and we're gonna see what, if anything, develops. I expect it to be pretty weird, but I see no reason to deny Jarett the chance to try and have a relationship just like the rest of us. Hey, we all need a chance to screw up with the opposite sex, right? Or the same sex, if you prefer.
So obviously, just from the examples above - and there are others I could give - we four girls (Me, Sam, Rubi, and Kiara) are each polyamorous in nature. And we share well with each other most of the time, as well. I suspect Jarett is more likely to be monogomous in his own nature, though, along with being vanilla (not kinky) and heterosexual. That makes him the stuffy 'normal' one, right? Counselor doesn't seem to be interested in emotional/romantic relationships of her own, though who knows if that could change some time. But as a unit we are irretrievably polyamorous through necessity as well as natural inclinations.
So what about my partners? It's a joking sort of question, but with some truth to it. If someone has a relationship with two or more of us, does that make them polyamorous, even if they are only seeing us/me and no one outside my system? Most of the people mentioned above, or that could have been mentioned, were already poly when I met them. But it's an interesting question.
No comments:
Post a Comment