Colors and Images (Me)

Someone introduced herself to me by telling me a kid in her life said she was 'pink' and 'good'. And Kiara understood that immediately on a level that I don't think most adults have. And I've been working on a set of descriptors for each of us lately that includes a color that each of us carries around with us. Some people will call that an aura, or a totem color, or whatever. I don't really care what it's called; I've always seen people with a signature color. Sometimes it's because they wear a lot of that color, but sometimes it's just the way I feel around them. And there's often a certain theme image that associates itself with people. Sometimes an animal that person identifies with, other times an image from their career or hobbies. Or just something they like a lot. I have several friends that identify themselves with cats, as example. So here are some colors and images associated with my alters.

I'm Red. I always saw my Mom as Red when I was growing up, and as I've grown up, I've become more and more like her, including taking Red as my color. I have a red truck and prefer to wear my red leather jackets. I like red clothes and jewelry and drink lots of Cokes. My phone is red, my purse is red, my usb drive is red. It's just a color that feels comfortable to me.

Kiara is Blue and Butterflies. Blue is calm and curious. And butterflies are active and pretty and have a short attention span. This is her answer when I ask her why blue and butterflies. And all those things are traits she displays. She has a suitcase for her stuff that's blue with flowers. And she often colors with the blue crayon first.

Sam is Red, like me. We're very similar. She's also Purple. She likes most of the same things I do. She has a lot of energy and prefers to be on the go all the time. She's open and friendly, but also can be very demanding of attention. She loves to laugh, either with or at. And she loves to irritate someone to see how far they can be pushed before they push back. She has a lot of electicity in her personality. And I hope you understand that one, because I'm not sure I can explain it.

Rubi has to be Black, of course. Darkness, anger, pain... all those negative black emotions. Jarett is Brown. He's solid like dirt and wood, he's leather and something simple and solid. And he's an old cowboy hat, useful and comfortable and attractive. Counselor is Lilac and Lace. And her image is a clipboard - for taking notes for the rest of us, of course. And Silent One is the Grey of static on a TV that's not hooked up to anything.

So what's your color? How does that color feel to you?

Abandoned, Drugged, and Exhausted (Me)

I've been sick for the last week. Nothing serious, just feeling really yucky. And it occured to me as I got well that I was running the show alone. None of the alters had come forward to take over much during the whole time I was sick. It would have been nice to share the burden of dealing with it, but no such luck. It was my illness, all mine. Now, granted, that makes sense. If you were an alter, and could choose to either inhabit a sick body and feel bad, or hang out 'backstage', as it were, and just wait for the sick to go away, what would you do? Yeah, no one wants to be sick. But I missed them - I felt abandoned a little bit.

So in the past I've noticed that I seem to need less rest/sleep as a functioning multiple than I used to, and certainly less than my singleton friends seem to need. But while I was sick, I was completely exhausted! Just a simple trip to the store was enough to wipe me out. I wasn't sick enough to make me that tired. My thought is that I've become so used to sharing my time with alters that I'm just not prepared, rest-wise, for a full day in charge. And it wore me out doing 24/7 and being sick as well.

Of course, the drugs I was taking surely didn't help. Drugs sometimes hit multiples in unexpected ways, or so I'm given to understand. Non-narcotic pain pills rarely have any effect at all. The last time I took narcotics, I shifted fully to Kiara and wasn't even coconscious with her. Allergy meds can put me to sleep, or dry me out. Valium-type medications can have a very delayed onset. The only thing that seems to work 'as advertised' (and then some) is Nyquil. It cures every symptom I might be thinking about having and knocks me out for a minimum of eight hours. Usually. Once or twice it's done nothing at all for me. The only thing that seems to be reliable about taking meds is that they ALL raise my blood pressure. So here I was sick and drugging myself appropriately, and sleeping almost the entire time. As far as I know, no one shifted in for the whole weekend. But my memory's still fuzzy thanks to the drugs instead.

Well, yesterday I felt reasonably healthy - a lingering cough and stuffy nose to remember it by. Hey, it's Spring - everyone has a cough and a stuffy nose. And last night, back came the crowd. Minutes from falling asleep, and Kiara bounces into the forefront. She got a snack, bounced on my new bed a little, talked to my boyfriend till he fell asleep... generally just entertained herself. At 2 o'clock in the morning.

So over the weekend I slept literally half of each day. Now I'm back to a sleep deficit. Thanks, little girl.

Corrupting the Not-So-Innocent (Me)

So this weekend one of my friends (we'll call her B) stayed at the Motel, and events conspired to push her comfort zones in all the right ways. Last night, Kiara shifted to the front, and brought out the crayons and storybooks. I had warned B just an hour or two earlier that it felt likely I'd be shifting around some, so it didn't take her completely off-guard. And since two of the minions were there, and they took it in stride, she did too. She pretty quickly relaxed and ended up coloring as well, though at the other side of the room, not together. Of course, after the rest of the weekend, one little coming out wasn't that big a deal for her.

Now, B's not vanilla - she's as kinky as the rest of us. But she's stated very firmly that she just doesn't get being poly, even at the dating relationship level. As it happens, both of the minions at the house at the time are guys I am in a relationship with. And this is where the poly comes in - both the guys know I'm with the other, and both are happy with the situation. It's not polyamory in the sense that we have any permanent relationships; none of us are likely to marry or anything. But it is close enough to poly for someone that doesn't get poly.

So Me, B, and the two fellas were all hanging out, and my boyfriend started putting some moves on B. Okay, we're all cuddly folks, she's an attractive lady, we were having a good time. And so she found herself cuddled up with my boyfriend. Occasionally glancing my way to see if I minded. Of course I didn't. In fact, I was curled up with my other guy at the time, anyway. So eventually, it was bedtime for me, and away I went. When I got to my room, I texted her that she was welcome to 'borrow' the boyfriend for the night, but to send one of the guys in to me eventually.

I think that one threw her. I would be happy with either guy in my bed. She had hit it off with the boyfriend. Why shouldn't all four of us have an enjoyable night snuggled up with a willing partner? I was happy that my boyfriend and my friend were enjoying each others' company, and I got to snuggle with someone I cared about too.The way I see it, it was a win all around.

But the next day, when she started telling me how great the sex was, I did have to laugh at her. "Wait," I said. "Is this the same woman that told me yesterday she couldn't handle poly relationships and didn't get them?" So now she's got some thinking to do. Exploring how she feels about this particular set-up and poly in general. Hey B, look up the word 'compersion' and think upon the results - I think you might find it interesting.

We'll Make a Man Out of Us (Me)

I've decided to embark on a campaign to bring Jarett out a little more. It seems like I've focused a lot on Kiara lately (because it's easy to do so), and it feels right for it to be Jarett's turn. So I started off by asking him about things he likes, and things he'd like to try.

One thing that came out quickly is that he doesn't always feel comfortable in the clothes I typically wear. I don't tend to wear extremely girly stuff anyway, but blouses that show a hint of cleavage do turn up a lot in my wardrobe, and I'll wear a little jewelry. Those are girl clothes, and Jarett's not so happy wearing them. So we made a few shopping trips. Last night I picked him up a couple of shirts, ones with stripes or patterns that would camouflage the curves underneath the shirt. Last week I bought a hat for him - something between a cowboy hat and Indiana Jones. And then there's the purse. He feels silly carrying a purse around - understandable - so I'm thinking of a satchel-type thing, something a guy might carry just as easily as a woman. And I'll save the pretty purse for days I'm being girly. Jewelry - turns out earrings aren't a problem, because I/he/we can't see them. But a bracelet is very distracting. And at some point I'd like to get him a suit-jacket, maybe eventually a full suit. With a fedora to match. Hey, if we're gonna dress all manly, we could at least be a well-turned-out man, right?

Okay, next. Jarett has expressed a preference for country music. So one button on my radio is set to country now. And I want to have him sample some various drinks. I tend to drink girly fruity low-alcohol drinks. I can't stomach beer at all, and I'm betting the coconscious overlap will mean he can't drink it either. So I've got to think about that and see what he likes. Could he be a wine man?

As he gets more comfortable being out, I'm interested to see how he'll interact with people. I get the feeling he's a firm-handshake-how-are-ya kind of person when it comes to greetings, whereas we girls are huggers. Will that change in greetings be enough to clue in my friends that Jarett's in front? A friend has expressed some interest in flirting with Jarett and spending some time with him on purpose, with some romantic overtones implied, and that sounds like a good idea.

But that brings up sex. Can he/we have sex in a male role? I'm definitely straight, not interested in women that way. Tried it, didn't work for me. But Jarett's into women - can I pull away from consciousness enough for him to be comfortable playing in that realm? And what do we do if it actually goes that far - he doesn't have the equipment naturally. We're assuming a strap-on or a feeldoe or something will be the answer. Then again, I know men who have male equipment that play quite intensely without ever dropping their pants and actually having penetrative sex. I suspect the key to being successful here is whether or not the person he's with sees me/him/us as a male who happens to be in My female body, or whether they are looking at us as a female having girl-girl interactions. It'll be an interesting experiment when/if we get that far.

So, things to think about as we embark on bringing out our male alter. Wish him confidence and luck with the ladies, as well as with himself.

Accountability (Me)

I'm sure we've all gotten blamed - and punished - for something someone else has done. Especially if you have a brother or sister. Something gets broken, eaten, torn up, done, or not done, and the first you hear of it, you're in the hotseat getting in trouble for it. Imagine if there's proof you did it. Your fingerprints are on the murder weapon, so to speak. But you didn't do it. At least, you don't remember doing it. But there is this vague memory picture in your head that could have been you doing it. And you can't remember what else you might have been doing at the time. And oh yeah, the camera footage clearly shows your face...

Sometimes being multiple can be like that. If someone in my head does something - throws something out, makes an online purchase, tells someone off, kicks the dog - it's still my body that did it. And someone outside my system can't just tell at a glance whether it was done by Me, or by one of my alters. Which means we've had to have some internal conversations about accountability.

I guess the first time we realized this would be a recurring theme was the time my boyfriend at the time took Kiara shopping. I was on pain medications, and most of us had checked out for the day. I figured Kiara was safe enough with him, and checked back in occasionally, but mostly let her run the show. She had a blast. At one point I checked in and she's going down the toy aisle, pushing buttons on all the noisy toys (something I hate). And because the body's a grown-up, she can reach all those tempting buttons. Another check-in, and she's petting on the different blankets and pillows in the store, trying to find the softest one. He later told Me that it was fun, but a lot of work keeping track of her. In all fairness, he had been warned that I was stupid from medication at the time. So the next morning I wake up, and hanging from my kitchen ceiling is a pirate windsock, still sporting a tag for the great big price of one dollar. I don't know where the pirate windsock came from, and I don't know who paid for it, but there it was.

Luckily, we're talking about a purchase of a dollar. But what if it had been a hundred dollars? What if it had been a puppy? These kinds of decisions can be made when I'm not running things, and it's something that we've had to discuss as a group. And in every discussion on the subject, we've come to the same conclusion. Each of us has to be responsible for all of us. And all of us must accept the consequences that each of us may incur.

Which means if Rubi gets ticked off and cusses out some guy, we could all end up in a fight. And that means that Counselor may need to force her out of control and take over to apologize to the guy before it gets to that point. And if we go to watch a movie, and the scary part is upsetting Kiara, we may have to leave, and all miss the rest of the movie to take care of her. And if Sam smarts off to someone among our BDSM friends, then yeah, she'll take the beating she's incurred. But it's all of us that will have sore muscles and bruises for a few days.

And if one of us makes a promise or a commitment to someone, it would be unfair to expect that person to have to figure out who they are talking to and only hold that alter responsible for it. Dealing with my disability is our responsibility, not that of someone outside our system. What that means is that we have to be individually and collectively responsible for the things that each of us say and do. So if Jarett makes a commitment of some kind, we feel that I am just as responsible for it as he is. If Sam is in control when that commitment becomes due, she should honor it. So that means we all have to confer with each other before making any commitments, to make sure we can all follow-through.

Most of the time, this isn't a problem. It has been at times. At one point, my boyfriend at the time decreed we were Not Allowed to do any cutting. He was talking to Me at the time, but cutting is Rubi's province. And although I belonged to him, in a BDSM sense, she most certainly did not - and didn't feel any need to pay attention to his orders. We had to discuss the issue as a system, and decided that either we would all avoid cutting, or we had to go back to him and tell him that we could not accept his restriction.

I have refused to make commitments because one or more of us refused to abide by them. But it's a matter of our integrity to tell the other person involved that we can't meet that commitment, rather than to just blame a failure on our multiple status. Because I see it as cowardice to pass the blame that way. So therefore, it's All for One and One for All - we're the Seven Musketeers when it comes to accountability.

Multiply Polyamorous (Me)

As a singleton, I had tried a variety of relationship types for myself. I've been married twice, and never had a relationship outside my marriage (wish I could say the same for the husbands). I chose to go through six years of abstinence, trying to grow up and learn how to be a single adult before throwing someone else into the mix. And I've tried being serially monogomous - as it turns out, I end up being pretty fickle, tiring quickly of whomever I'm with. But now I'm reasonably comfortable declaring myself to be polyamorous. I definitely have room in my heart to care deeply for several distinct people in different types of relationships. I don't see myself being happy with only one partner, nor do I think it possible for one partner to meet the variety of needs I have.

And that's just me. There's several more people inside me to consider. What I consider prime 'boyfriend material' is just not going to appeal the same way to everyone else. I want someone who can be a friend, a partner in the things that I do, and a sex partner. But I need someone who is grown-up enough to take care of themselves, as well. Sam and I are the most similar, but she wants a partner in crime, someone she can play with, fight with, and yeah, have sex with. She needs someone who's tough enough to keep up with her. Rubi wants someone tough, too, but someone with a decided dark edge to their personality, someone who can make her suffer and enjoy it. She needs someone who can control her, keep her from getting too deep into the darkness. At the other end of the spectrum, Kiara wants a playmate, someone to snuggle with and be petted by. She needs someone to babysit her and protect her and encourage her.

So how could one boyfriend going to meet all those wants and needs? Is it fair - or even sane - to ask all that from one person? And how do we figure out who gets to be with him at any given time? I know that we, as a group, are incredibly demanding on a time and emotional basis. Does it not make more sense for each of us to have, or pursue, our own relationships? It's certainly necessary that anyone who has a relationship with one of us must be at least friendly with the others, because we don't shift to one persona and just stay there. But different people certainly get more of one of us than another. And different people will 'click' with one or another of us more strongly. Many friends we have tend to draw out one alter or another more. Kiara has her favorite people, Rubi has hers. And so does everyone else. We all want to hang out with our particular friends, though. A few examples...

My boyfriend still has to sometimes take care of childish Kiara, or deal with Rubi's sullen teen angst. But he's My boyfriend, and spends time with Me more than anyone else. He works just fine with any of us girls, and is learning more and more how to recognize and interact with each alter as they come out.

Then there's my Dom (BDSM term - dominant). I submit myself to him, and I have had a very powerful emotional - not romantic - connection to him. He has such a powerful strenth of will that he has no problems controlling Sam and Rubi and taking anything they want to try pushing him on. Kiara, however, is afraid of him, and won't interact directly with him.

But another person I see a lot of clicks very strongly with Kiara. She simply adores him - gets nearly giddy when she's with him. And I enjoy playing and flirting with him too - I would say we're 'romantically inclined friends'. But Sam and Rubi don't spend a lot of time with him because they can't fight back with him a lot. He doesn't appreciate being beat up on, and they get bored with being good for him.

Rubi has found someone to play with at the club that will take her down and make her suffer in all the ways she needs - and that means a curb on her natural self-destructive behaviors at home. Sam and I enjoy our play with him too, but once Rubi takes over is when that relationship really starts to heat up. And yet, he's proved himself direct enough that Kiara has no fear of him and will visit with him a little.

And then there's Jarett. My darling heterosexual male alter with all the wrong parts attached. I've been struggling with the concept of how he can have a fulfilling romantic relationship. Unfortunately, I don't go for girls; it would make things easier if I did, but there we are. Or if he liked boys, that would be great, but no. And he doesn't seem to be too thrilled with the BDSM stuff we girls are into, either. So he sits in the background and tries not to get caught ogling the ladies too often. Recently, a female friend of mine has been flirting with Jarett in particular. She knows I'm multiple, so we've talked a little about it, and we're gonna see what, if anything, develops. I expect it to be pretty weird, but I see no reason to deny Jarett the chance to try and have a relationship just like the rest of us. Hey, we all need a chance to screw up with the opposite sex, right? Or the same sex, if you prefer.

So obviously, just from the examples above - and there are others I could give - we four girls (Me, Sam, Rubi, and Kiara) are each polyamorous in nature. And we share well with each other most of the time, as well. I suspect Jarett is more likely to be monogomous in his own nature, though, along with being vanilla (not kinky) and heterosexual. That makes him the stuffy 'normal' one, right? Counselor doesn't seem to be interested in emotional/romantic relationships of her own, though who knows if that could change some time. But as a unit we are irretrievably polyamorous through necessity as well as natural inclinations.

So what about my partners? It's a joking sort of question, but with some truth to it. If someone has a relationship with two or more of us, does that make them polyamorous, even if they are only seeing us/me and no one outside my system? Most of the people mentioned above, or that could have been mentioned, were already poly when I met them. But it's an interesting question.

Journal - Thinking Myself Multiple (Me)

Another old journal entry worth looking at again...

I've always been the smart kid in any group of people I've been part of. It's nothing I'm particularly proud of; I was born smart. But I'm accustomed to always being the smart one. At least I used to be. With the group of friends I have now, that's not always the truth. Most of my circle are smart folks, all of us accustomed to being the smart one. That does lead to some competition - with requisite bruising of egos. But now that I'm generally surrounded by other smart people, I find myself, by comparison, being merely average in intelligence.

Then I start playing around with BDSM, and then I start talking to the voices hanging out in my head. So, as someone asked me yesterday - could this be the new thing that makes me 'special'? Maybe I'm pushing myself into displaying multiple personalities to make myself different from everyone else?

Which leads directly to another question - if I wasn't really a multiple, but started believing hard enough that I was, would the fact that I'm now having conversations in my head mean that I've created the reality of multiplicity out of a false belief in it? I mean, multiple personalities are a creation of the subconscious - it's literally 'all in your head'. Say we start with the concept that I was not a multiple six months ago. If I believe it strongly enough to engage these other personalities and let them develop into full-blown personas, does multiplicity not therefore become a truth? Can one create a dissociative disorder by believing it exists? And does the creation thereof mean I'm less than sane, just not the way I think I'm nuts? Yes, this is circular thinking, but it's an interesting hypothesis to ruminate on.

Trigger Event (Lynn)

Greetings, this will be my first post here. I am Counselor (Update - As of August 2011, Counselor will be using the name Lynn instead). It is my role to coordinate our system's activities and memories so that we can function succesfully in a singleton-oriented world. Yesterday evening, we found a new trigger for our system, and I feel it important to document it here.

Every person has certain triggers that set off their particular neuroses. For a multiple, triggers can set off unexpected emotions and behaviors, including hard switches to other alters and moods that aren't appropriate to the situation. For example, one trigger that is known to set off any of the members of this system is someone grabbing our throat. Even something inanimate, like wearing a turtleneck, can be uncomfortable and distracting. But a hand on my throat, grabbing my throat - that will receive a violent response, of some sort. It is this sort of thing that originated Silent One, and the body could go completely unresponsive. Or could react by attacking the person grabbing. It's hard to predict, and thus we warn people off of grabbing our throat.

Yesterday evening, we discovered a new trigger to be aware of. The mood was light and pleasant, and we were sitting and watching a movie with one of our friends. Another friend came in during the movie as well. Approximately the first third of this movie was set primarily in a hospital, where the main character is a doctor. And it had a spooky, otherworldly atmosphere during this section. There is a particular scene where the doctor is in a hospital corridor at night. With the lights dimmed, he's alone facing down a long spooky corridor. And something inside our mind clicked. There was a time during my first marriage that a catatonic state would drift to sleeping, waking with screaming nightmares involving people in white lab coats and long dim hallways. This scene in the movie triggered that association. We curled up around the people watching the movie with us. The body began trembling, and there was an intense urge to silently weep which we decided to contain. It was terribly unpleasant, and included a strong feeling of helplessness.

The movie shifted away from the hospital, but the damage had already been done. For the rest of the evening, we shifted from one alter to another, or several at a time, quite frequently. And all were unsettled and unhappy. The feeling of helplessness, a sense of disconnect, and the urge to weep remained, even when the movie was over and we were outwardly participating happily in hanging out with our friends. It wasn't until just before falling asleep that the world seemed to return to being truly tangible and stable.

We have watched medical dramas and other shows taking place in hospitals with no negative associations, so I would tentatively conclude that it was the particular image of the dimmed corridor and the sense of otherworldliness leading up to this scene that pushed the trigger. It is something I will begin watching for and trying to avoid.