When I was born, my mother almost named me Grace. I'm glad she didn't; I am not graceful. I'm tough, I'm strong, but I'm not graceful. Would I have become a different person if my name had been Grace? Maybe. I do think that names of things have some power over them. At the least, other people would have different first impressions of me. And that would change who I am.
But Grace survives, in another alter that has emerged. She seems to be drawn out by the scent of roses. When I was preparing roses for the collaring scene, I had a lot of dizzy spells that I recognized as being from someone not known to me yet. She was polite enough to wait until after the weekend to emerge. Last night, she fronted and spoke briefly with the boyfriend. She's very neat and proper and ladylike. Yeah, I guess I could use a little of that.
When Paul first arrived, I wondered if I was going to start seeing more and more inside folk. There were six months between Cherish and Paul. There were four weeks between Paul and Gracelyn Rose. My suspicion - maybe wishful thinking - is that there are more 'background' alters in there, that haven't come out. Haven't needed to. And now that we have a safe harbor in our relationship with the boyfriend, they are slowly starting to come out, out of mere curiosity if nothing else. Wonder what the headcount will end up at?
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Sisterhood [Me]
My metamour posted this the other day:
Her system is much less stable than mine, and I know there are nuggets of jealousy and maliciousness and passive-aggressive manipulation in there. But there are also broad swaths of generosity and sisterhood and 'whatever-makes-Master-happy' in there, too.
I don't know what the future holds for the three of us, but I am becoming more and more confident that the future can hold the three of us, together. Some days maybe we'll just tolerate each other. But some days maybe we can be compatriots, sisters, friends.
Happiness is:I'm glad that at least part of her is very excited and happy about this change. This poly stuff can be hard. She and I both struggle to make ourselves happy about how things are, sometimes. Sometimes it's no struggle at all. Sometimes you just endure it.
- Gaining a sister. Master is officially collaring [M] tonight. In April, she will move in with us permanently. I’m very happy and excited!
Her system is much less stable than mine, and I know there are nuggets of jealousy and maliciousness and passive-aggressive manipulation in there. But there are also broad swaths of generosity and sisterhood and 'whatever-makes-Master-happy' in there, too.
I don't know what the future holds for the three of us, but I am becoming more and more confident that the future can hold the three of us, together. Some days maybe we'll just tolerate each other. But some days maybe we can be compatriots, sisters, friends.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
I'm Collared at Last! [Me]
At New Years, my boyfriend gave us a collar to wear. And it was the equivalent of an engagement ring in the non-kink world. Last night, we made good on that arrangement, and I got a permanent collar to him. We went to the BDSM club and had a ceremony that pledged us to one another permanently, just like a marriage ceremony. Except without all that messy legal name-changing stuff involved.
We had a ceremony. It involved him pulling each alter (except Silent One) out, and asking if we each would accept him as our dominant partner. More than just a boyfriend. Each of us did accept him, and then we did an intense pain-play scene.
I'll give only the bare version here, in deference to my non-kinky readers. He wrapped roses all around my body, then took a whip he had braided for just this purpose, and use it to 'hug' the roses - and their thorns - into my body. And he continued until I 'called Red'. That means giving him my safeword to say that I can't continue. I am known in our community for being very tough and for wearing my play partners out before I ever give up myself. So for me to 'Red out' is a fairly momentous thing. It meant a surrender to him that I don't just give freely. He took it from me, earned it. And in return I earned the collar he wanted to give me.
So this means that, in the eyes of our chosen community, he and I are married. I am his submissive, and must obey him and trust that his decisions are best for me, even when I don't have the same opinion. I will follow rules that he sets out and allow his to influence who I spend my time with. In return, he is my dominant, and is responsible for my mental and physical well-being. He will consider my best interests in his decisions, and try to guide me to the best I can have.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Silent One [Me, Lynn]
"Is Silent One needed any longer - maybe it could fade away?" That's how I finished my last blog post. I don't think I've ever really written about Silent One before. Some of that is because it frightens me. And some of it is simply not knowing what to say. But I think it's time. I'm seeing three stages of Silent One's existence.
Stage One - Escape Mode
Silent One began as a crisis all-fail response. When I was abused by my husband and couldn't physically leave to get away from it, I left mentally. I completely checked out and left the body lying limp and helpless on the floor. This catatonic state is Silent One. I had some vague view of what was happening, but couldn't react, and didn't really feel the pain or hear the yelling. You know, when the victim doesn't react to the abuse, it seems to take the energy out of the abusing.
When I went into this state, it could last for minutes, or for many hours. Either way, I/we would eventually fall asleep, for some amount of time, usually only minutes. And that's when the terrors began. Nightmares, screaming, running, terror, fear - but all inside my head. And inescapable, not like a dream that you wake up from. From the outside of the body, though, all that's happening is some twitching of muscles, and maybe some rapid breathing. Until the end, when I would wake up screaming. Sometimes at home, sometimes in the hospital.
This happened enough times to have a very predictable progression. It continued to occur periodically for years after the initial trauma, generally triggered by extreme emotions. Unfortunately, that could include sex or other positive experiences. The frequency gradually tapered off until several years went by without.
Stage Two - Recognizing Silent One
Once I got into BDSM, I knew that I had to keep people from grabbing my throat - that had set off an 'attack' a few times in the past years. But one night it happened; someone grabbed my throat by accident. And I collapsed, curling into a fetal position, then going completely limp - catatonic again. I came to without the screaming, though. Instead I started sobbing - like my heart was broken - to the point of gagging myself repeatedly. Eventually the sobbing died down and I recovered. And made sure everyone knew to leave my throat alone.
As I became aware of being multiple, I recognized this horrible state of catatonia as being likely to be another alter. And named it Silent One. Although my primal coyote beast is a headspace, not an alter, Silent One does feel like an alter, just one with a lack of personality. Silent One is a null state where all personalities have fled, and none are present. It's an un-personality. But although there aren't thoughts or actions, there are emotions present. I suppose that's why I categorize it as a personality and not a headspace. There's terror and anger and fear and pain and a sense of looking, being lost, all mixed up out of control. I've avoided this state whenever possible, but it's part of me/us, and has to be faced eventually.
Stage Three - Exploration
My boyfriend loves breathplay. Turns out that we do, too. Sam and Rubi and I all yearn for it. But there's a point of being choked out by blood cutoff, not air cutoff, that's just before actually passing out, where you lose control and go limp and drop mental control of yourself. With most people, that's quickly followed by loss of consciousness. When you release control of yourself, you pass out. With us, there's an intermediate step. I feel myself let go, and start to pass out, but that's when Silent One takes over. It fills the vacated mental space and remains conscious. From the outside, I'm not sure it looks any different from passing out, but I'm still aware, just not in control. I can 'feel' Silent One in front.
In the past months, we have purposely played with this. At first, Silent One would eventually fall asleep, and the terrors were back, with screaming and crying as I awoke. But the boyfriend recognized the twitching that precedes the terrors, and experimented with ways to stop the progress there. He tried calling each of us out, without a great deal of success. But one time, he was able to call Cherish out enough that she asked him to hurt us, distract Silent One from the internal terror by an external sensation. And he tried several different ways of doing that, with varying degrees of success. So he was able to help me break into control with a combination of hurting the body and calling on either me or Cherish. And most of the time, we avoided the terrors. Progress!
Last night, we made a new step. After some breath-play, Silent One was out. And as we were just starting to twitch, the boyfriend tried a particular pain to break me out of that mode. But instead of me coming out, Silent One... reacted. This is big; it's never reacted before. It moved away from him, away from the pain. So he went to get a flame, which also helps break us out, and Silent One actually opened up my eyes and appeared to be looking around. I don't think it could really see - the feedback I picked up was almost like my eyes were crossed. But the flame drew its attention, and the boyfriend says his voice seemed to create a reaction, looking more in that direction. However, from my vantage point, I know that nothing he said actually registered as words. Silent One appears to be without language, and possibly somewhat deaf. Which makes sense, considering that part of its genesis was to stop hearing abusive yelling and fighting.
One last thing about Silent One - I have read a tiny bit about catatonic schizophrenia, and the description seems to fit Silent One's behavior, only with the safety valve of switching to another alter. I'll have to learn more about it.
Stage One - Escape Mode
Silent One began as a crisis all-fail response. When I was abused by my husband and couldn't physically leave to get away from it, I left mentally. I completely checked out and left the body lying limp and helpless on the floor. This catatonic state is Silent One. I had some vague view of what was happening, but couldn't react, and didn't really feel the pain or hear the yelling. You know, when the victim doesn't react to the abuse, it seems to take the energy out of the abusing.
When I went into this state, it could last for minutes, or for many hours. Either way, I/we would eventually fall asleep, for some amount of time, usually only minutes. And that's when the terrors began. Nightmares, screaming, running, terror, fear - but all inside my head. And inescapable, not like a dream that you wake up from. From the outside of the body, though, all that's happening is some twitching of muscles, and maybe some rapid breathing. Until the end, when I would wake up screaming. Sometimes at home, sometimes in the hospital.
This happened enough times to have a very predictable progression. It continued to occur periodically for years after the initial trauma, generally triggered by extreme emotions. Unfortunately, that could include sex or other positive experiences. The frequency gradually tapered off until several years went by without.
Stage Two - Recognizing Silent One
Once I got into BDSM, I knew that I had to keep people from grabbing my throat - that had set off an 'attack' a few times in the past years. But one night it happened; someone grabbed my throat by accident. And I collapsed, curling into a fetal position, then going completely limp - catatonic again. I came to without the screaming, though. Instead I started sobbing - like my heart was broken - to the point of gagging myself repeatedly. Eventually the sobbing died down and I recovered. And made sure everyone knew to leave my throat alone.
As I became aware of being multiple, I recognized this horrible state of catatonia as being likely to be another alter. And named it Silent One. Although my primal coyote beast is a headspace, not an alter, Silent One does feel like an alter, just one with a lack of personality. Silent One is a null state where all personalities have fled, and none are present. It's an un-personality. But although there aren't thoughts or actions, there are emotions present. I suppose that's why I categorize it as a personality and not a headspace. There's terror and anger and fear and pain and a sense of looking, being lost, all mixed up out of control. I've avoided this state whenever possible, but it's part of me/us, and has to be faced eventually.
Stage Three - Exploration
My boyfriend loves breathplay. Turns out that we do, too. Sam and Rubi and I all yearn for it. But there's a point of being choked out by blood cutoff, not air cutoff, that's just before actually passing out, where you lose control and go limp and drop mental control of yourself. With most people, that's quickly followed by loss of consciousness. When you release control of yourself, you pass out. With us, there's an intermediate step. I feel myself let go, and start to pass out, but that's when Silent One takes over. It fills the vacated mental space and remains conscious. From the outside, I'm not sure it looks any different from passing out, but I'm still aware, just not in control. I can 'feel' Silent One in front.
In the past months, we have purposely played with this. At first, Silent One would eventually fall asleep, and the terrors were back, with screaming and crying as I awoke. But the boyfriend recognized the twitching that precedes the terrors, and experimented with ways to stop the progress there. He tried calling each of us out, without a great deal of success. But one time, he was able to call Cherish out enough that she asked him to hurt us, distract Silent One from the internal terror by an external sensation. And he tried several different ways of doing that, with varying degrees of success. So he was able to help me break into control with a combination of hurting the body and calling on either me or Cherish. And most of the time, we avoided the terrors. Progress!
Last night, we made a new step. After some breath-play, Silent One was out. And as we were just starting to twitch, the boyfriend tried a particular pain to break me out of that mode. But instead of me coming out, Silent One... reacted. This is big; it's never reacted before. It moved away from him, away from the pain. So he went to get a flame, which also helps break us out, and Silent One actually opened up my eyes and appeared to be looking around. I don't think it could really see - the feedback I picked up was almost like my eyes were crossed. But the flame drew its attention, and the boyfriend says his voice seemed to create a reaction, looking more in that direction. However, from my vantage point, I know that nothing he said actually registered as words. Silent One appears to be without language, and possibly somewhat deaf. Which makes sense, considering that part of its genesis was to stop hearing abusive yelling and fighting.
One last thing about Silent One - I have read a tiny bit about catatonic schizophrenia, and the description seems to fit Silent One's behavior, only with the safety valve of switching to another alter. I'll have to learn more about it.
One Hundred Posts [Me]
This is my 100th post on this blog. When I began, I didn't really think I'd keep up with it this far. But it really has helped me to be able to put things down in writing, instead of having them rattling around in my brain. And I think it's helped a few people understand me-us better, as well. In my first post, I said, "Blogging my experience may help me sort through things in my own mind. And just maybe it will help someone else. Maybe it will be of interest to someone who is discovering that they are multi, or that someone they care about is. Or it may be of academic interest to someone." Mostly, it's met the first goal.
It's been written almost entirely my voice, although Lynn has chimed in from time to time, and Sam spoke up once or twice. I can hear Sam's influence in my writing, sometimes, even if she's not speaking. I've written anywhere from only one to over twenty posts in a given month (this is my 23rd post this month). The biggest topics (from my wordcloud - over 20 tags), have been multiplicity, my point of view, and things I've read by other multiples. Other big commonalities, with at least seven posts tagged, have been comparisons between personalities, kink/BDSM, parenting, polyamory, preaching, relationships with others, my boyfriend/dom, Kiara, and observations by Lynn.
I've had a couple-dozen comments on nineteen of those posts, about half of those being my own comments. I have 10 posted followers, but I know there are several more as well. At first I only gave the link out to people that specifically asked for it that I trusted with these writings. But later I posted the link within my writing on the kink site so that anyone who was reading up on my multiplicity could come here and learn more, if they were interested enough to click a few links.
I've grown a lot in the last 100 posts, which took about one year and two weeks. I've found/added/grown two new alters, and been getting to know them. I've developed a lot more control over who's switching when, and how well I communicate that to others who might be around. I've also been able to become a lot more open about my multiplicity to others, and found a lot of acceptance from them. I came out about being kinky, poly, and multiple to my sister and my daughter - and both are supportive and accepting.
Where do I want to be in another year, another 100 posts? I suspect the 200 posts will get here well before 2 years, if my recent posting rate is to be used as an indicator. I'd like still better understanding of my alters. I'd really like to see some of them write some posts. Maybe some poetry - Sam has some gift for it. Rubi does as well, though hers has a more driving beat, and even in writing seems to be blood-splattered. I would love to have more readers, and comments from them on my posts - pertinent helpful comments. I have a hope of someday hearing that my blog has been of help to another multiple.
Fears - I worry about adding more alters. How many are in there to come out at some point? I thought I heard a new voice yesterday. I thought, "Oh please not now," and heard a response that seemed to be, "okay, I can wait." So I don't think I'm finished counting. Do I want some integration? Sam could so easily join in with Me, or with Rubi. Could Paul fit back into Cherish, or with Kiara? Would they want to? I don't think they do. Is Silent One needed any longer - maybe it could fade away?
It's been written almost entirely my voice, although Lynn has chimed in from time to time, and Sam spoke up once or twice. I can hear Sam's influence in my writing, sometimes, even if she's not speaking. I've written anywhere from only one to over twenty posts in a given month (this is my 23rd post this month). The biggest topics (from my wordcloud - over 20 tags), have been multiplicity, my point of view, and things I've read by other multiples. Other big commonalities, with at least seven posts tagged, have been comparisons between personalities, kink/BDSM, parenting, polyamory, preaching, relationships with others, my boyfriend/dom, Kiara, and observations by Lynn.
I've had a couple-dozen comments on nineteen of those posts, about half of those being my own comments. I have 10 posted followers, but I know there are several more as well. At first I only gave the link out to people that specifically asked for it that I trusted with these writings. But later I posted the link within my writing on the kink site so that anyone who was reading up on my multiplicity could come here and learn more, if they were interested enough to click a few links.
I've grown a lot in the last 100 posts, which took about one year and two weeks. I've found/added/grown two new alters, and been getting to know them. I've developed a lot more control over who's switching when, and how well I communicate that to others who might be around. I've also been able to become a lot more open about my multiplicity to others, and found a lot of acceptance from them. I came out about being kinky, poly, and multiple to my sister and my daughter - and both are supportive and accepting.
Where do I want to be in another year, another 100 posts? I suspect the 200 posts will get here well before 2 years, if my recent posting rate is to be used as an indicator. I'd like still better understanding of my alters. I'd really like to see some of them write some posts. Maybe some poetry - Sam has some gift for it. Rubi does as well, though hers has a more driving beat, and even in writing seems to be blood-splattered. I would love to have more readers, and comments from them on my posts - pertinent helpful comments. I have a hope of someday hearing that my blog has been of help to another multiple.
Fears - I worry about adding more alters. How many are in there to come out at some point? I thought I heard a new voice yesterday. I thought, "Oh please not now," and heard a response that seemed to be, "okay, I can wait." So I don't think I'm finished counting. Do I want some integration? Sam could so easily join in with Me, or with Rubi. Could Paul fit back into Cherish, or with Kiara? Would they want to? I don't think they do. Is Silent One needed any longer - maybe it could fade away?
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Louis Levine [Me]
I've run across something that makes me curious, and curse the holes in my memory. Everything that's suspicious is nothing but hypothetical, except the timing.
In April 2009, a teacher named Louis Levine was arrested on counts of child pornography. He had lured lots of teenagers to his house, giving them condoms and porn and pot and alcohol. Then when they got to fooling around, he surreptitiously videotaped it. He had hundreds of tapes of kids having sex.
Now, Louis used to be the guy in charge of the Animal Room at a kids' museum I volunteered at. I was about fourteen at the time; so that was back in 1989. And the reports on his arrest show that he had been doing this since at least the early 80's. I look back and realize that if I'd run across him just a few years later, I'd probably be on those tapes of his.
However, theoretically, maybe I could be? I don't really have much memory of that period in my life. If I had been involved in his teen-sex scheme, wouldn't that hold some potential trigger of my multiple personalities?
Honestly, I know that that kind of hole in my memory would have been noted back then, even if I don't remember now. And at 14 I was a white-bread clean-cut kid. At 15, it would have been another story. So I know nothing happened. And yet.
You know, I actually accepted my self-diagnosis of MPD back in June of 2009. Weird timing, isn't it? Yep, it's False Memory Syndrome just waiting to happen.
In April 2009, a teacher named Louis Levine was arrested on counts of child pornography. He had lured lots of teenagers to his house, giving them condoms and porn and pot and alcohol. Then when they got to fooling around, he surreptitiously videotaped it. He had hundreds of tapes of kids having sex.
Now, Louis used to be the guy in charge of the Animal Room at a kids' museum I volunteered at. I was about fourteen at the time; so that was back in 1989. And the reports on his arrest show that he had been doing this since at least the early 80's. I look back and realize that if I'd run across him just a few years later, I'd probably be on those tapes of his.
However, theoretically, maybe I could be? I don't really have much memory of that period in my life. If I had been involved in his teen-sex scheme, wouldn't that hold some potential trigger of my multiple personalities?
Honestly, I know that that kind of hole in my memory would have been noted back then, even if I don't remember now. And at 14 I was a white-bread clean-cut kid. At 15, it would have been another story. So I know nothing happened. And yet.
You know, I actually accepted my self-diagnosis of MPD back in June of 2009. Weird timing, isn't it? Yep, it's False Memory Syndrome just waiting to happen.
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