Who Am I? TRIGGER WARNING [Paul]

So M says I can write about myself here, and it'll be okay, because the people who read this will get it, and it's safe. I'll give it a try. I'm Paul, and this is my first blog post ever. I've decided to try to make myself a little bit more separate from the rest of the system, and try not to be so shy to everybody. So I made myself a separate profile on the kinky site last night, where I can have my own separate friends and stuff. And now I'm writing here. So I guess I'll tell my story - but M says I have to put a trigger warning because it could upset some people. So stop reading here if you have problems like that.

I showed up like a year ago in the Meronym system. And I think I frightened everyone, because I've got some scary memories in my head. The memories freak out M because they can't be memories of her own, so where the heck did I get them from? I don't know, but they are there. Most of them are from when I was little, like under 10 at least, and an 'Uncle' molested me. I don't know if it's someone that was actually related to me or not, but he's big and sweaty and fat and hairy. I don't guess I have to explain what I mean by he molested me - you don't need a play-by-play. But I never told my Mom or anything, because if I did he said he'd do the same thing to my baby brother. And I've gotta protect my brother, so I'll get through it.

Which gets really messed up, because now that I'm in M's body, there isn't really a baby brother, or an Uncle, or anything. I do have a mom; she's known in M's system as Cherish. And she could never stick up for me even if she knew something was going on. But I won't tell her, and neither will anyone else. So I've got this inside-my-memories world, and outside-in-M's-body world, and inside-the Meronym-system world. And they don't touch each other, except sometimes at night when I'm supposed to be sleeping.

In the Memory World, all that stuff continued until I was in High School, and then the Uncle stopped coming around. Mom said he would be gone for a long time and not come back - I think he went to prison or something. So I did protect my brother all that time, and he's safe. I'm sixteen in that world, and when I get out of school, I'm going to take care of my brother and my Mom and make sure nobody ever hurts them ever. Mom always asks if I'm going to have a girlfriend sometime, but everybody else has figured out that I like boys. I don't want to deal with that until I get out of school, though. I've got enough to deal with now.

So in the Meronym World, I'm a different age. I'm eleven most of the time. Me and Kiara argue sometimes, but we stick up for each other, too. Sometimes I have panic attacks, and she's really good about coming out to help me stay steady when that happens. I'm always scared of people, and she's not afraid of nothing. Cherish is my mom, here, too, but she's all sweet and nice and not tired and sick all the time here. I have a room all to myself, and I've got legos covering one entire wall and a huge castle built in my room with them.

In the outside, 'real' world - I'm not really convinced it's any more real than the others - I'm in a 37-year-old woman's body. I can't climb things, I can't run and play, I'm fat and slow and hurting. And the equipment's all wrong. But there's somebody to take care of me - M calls him Boss, here - and I'm starting to make some friends. But I can slide ages really easily. I kinda default to eleven, but I can slip real easy into eight or fourteen. Once I got as young as four, and once I got to sixteen. When I'm eight, I'm a lot more scared, and things hurt more easy. But fun things are a lot more fun, and I really like it when the Boss tells me I'm his boy and hangs out with me. When I get to fourteen, I've got a lot more confidence - I even can flirt and tease sometimes, if I don't get too embarrassed. I like playing games and figuring things out that might be kinda complicated. Boss says I'm really smart.

I'm starting to make some friends other than Boss in this world. There's a couple of guys that are a little like me; in a girl body but not really a girl. Neither of them are multiple, I don't think, but they seem to get me a little. Boss introduced me to another friend of his that's gay - and his friends. He's super friendly, and I think I could be friends with him. And there's a guy that I kind of have a crush on. He doesn't like kids, so I don't think he likes me, but he's at least been friendly, and I can pretend in my head that he likes me. Almost all these folks are into the kink stuff, but I'm not. I mean, sex, yeah, but not hurting each other.

Wow, so I didn't think I'd want to write much here, but I guess I did write a lot. Now I think maybe I said too much. But not many people will see it, I think, so I guess it's okay. Um, I guess if anyone wants to get to know me better, you can ask me questions here and M will tell me about them. So, bye.