A friend saw my new formal collar and asked me, "Why did he choose a cross for you?" And it made me sad. Because that tells me that my friend had no clue that I am a Christian. My Master is not Christian, and neither is his other girl. But he honors my faith by giving me a cross for his collar.
Here in the South, being Christian is almost a given, usually. But in the kink community it is not. Christians have been so judgmental and intolerant, as a group, that it has driven many folks of non-Christian faith together. Many of them have landed in the kink community, and I would say that Christians in kink are a large minority, rather than the huge majority, as it is outside our community.
However, I've always believed that if I were living my Christian faith properly, it should show in my life so strongly that I should not need to tell people what faith I follow; it should be obvious. My faith, and the way I behave because of it, should put a kind of light into my life that makes people want to have what I have, want to believe what I believe. They should look at me and say, "Oh yes, she's a loving Christ-like person; I want to know her God." So for someone that I know to be surprised when I said I was a Christian... that made me sad, as if I had failed to live with love in my life.
But I was talking with another friend, and she brought a different perspective to this. She said that she has seen that peace in my life; she has wanted to have what I have. And perhaps the reason that someone was surprised I am a Christian has nothing to do with my relationship with God, but instead has to do with other Christians. Unfortunately, there are many people that identify themselves as Christians, but what I see in their lives is hate and intolerance. I don't want to be associated with those folks.
Other Christians would quickly denounce my lifestyle. I'm living in sin in a polyamorous relationship. I have multiple sex partners. I let - no ask - people to hit me with things. And I run around naked in front of people that I'm not married to! And let's not even consider what they'd do with my multiplicity - an exorcism for demon possession, maybe? So yes, I live a life many Christians would describe as sinful and horrible. You know what? I didn't ask them, anyway.
I have an understanding with my God, my ultimate parent figure; we're good. And I live the way that I feel He would want me to. I practice tolerance and love. I love those around me as if they are mine. I strive to improve myself and hold myself to high standards of honor. I try to be kind and generous to others - not just other Christians, but to all others. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But I try.
So I take it as a compliment that I don't look like those 'loud Christians' - please don't see me in their light. But I find it sad that when I tell someone I am a Christian, what they see is how different I am from those Christians, instead of seeing how much I try to be like Christ. My faith is strong; my religion needs an overhaul.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
Setting Up The Light Bank - A Little Internal Wiring Challenge [Me]
So now that the dam has broken, I have a few topics I want to blog about. You're ready for that, right, readers? I mean, you haven't had anything to read from me in over a week.
So with all the mess going on in my head the last couple of weeks, we've been discussing internally what the underlying problems were, and what kind of measures we can take to prevent the same kind of lock-up in our mental works.
One problem that seemed to come around is alters showing up in places and at times that aren't appropriate for who that alter is. Like Paul showing up at the club. Yes, he wants to watch people there, but he seems a bit frightened by the kink behavior. So he really needs to stay away at the club. Just like Rubi needs to not be around my family or at work. And Gracelyn has expressed a wish to avoid both sex and kink. We need a system.
Written and verbal cues don't work all the time for all of us. At the very least, Silent One doesn't use language, so any language-based cues are going to be a problem. Several of us have discussed it, and here's what we've come up with.
We're going to experiment with a warning light system. In a recording studio, radio station, or what-have-you, they have the On-Air light that warns you when it's safe to enter, and when you need to stay outside. Theaters use colored gels on the lights to set the mood. There's a blue security light at the club that can be activated from the front desk. The Terrorist Threat Level system is based on colors - a little too complicated, as I recall, but still, it seems like a good system, potentially.
We associate red with sex. So there will be a red light in the Sharing Room, opposite the door to the 'Front Office'. When it's on, there's sex-stuff going on. Those who are not interested in sex will be able to see the light from the back hallway, and avoid the common Sharing Room entirely. That would be Gracelyn Rose and Lynn, and anyone else who just isn't in the mood.
We decided to use Blue to indicate kink-play is going on. Some things will probably be painful, and those that want to avoid the kink, or the pain, or both, should not come out when the blue light is on. That would be Grace, Lynn, Jarett, and Paul. Jarett has been asked to help keep Paul out of kinky situations, including simply hanging out at the club. Kiara will check with someone else before coming out in the blue light, to see if it's pain-play or not.
And we also wanted a light to indicate 'Free Play'. We'll turn on a green light when it's safe for anyone to come out that wants to, without waiting for the situation, or the boyfriend, to call them out. Sometimes it's rude to just walk into the front room, like when I'm at work or presenting a class or talking to my parents. Some of us are more timid about just inviting themselves to front unless they've been called. By putting on the Green Light, we're saying that if someone is just in the mood to come out, they are encouraged to do so. This will probably be times at home when nothing in particular is going on.
And a crisis light. We're going to use the yellow light to indicate that we are struggling, that things are not going smoothly. And during these times, it would be great if everyone could keep things quiet, maybe even stay in their rooms (those that have them). If we can keep things calm, then I can work on settling things down.
The lights will be controlled from the Watching Room, where Lynn will have control of the switches to turn them off and on as needed. This is an experiment, so we'll see how it works.
So with all the mess going on in my head the last couple of weeks, we've been discussing internally what the underlying problems were, and what kind of measures we can take to prevent the same kind of lock-up in our mental works.
One problem that seemed to come around is alters showing up in places and at times that aren't appropriate for who that alter is. Like Paul showing up at the club. Yes, he wants to watch people there, but he seems a bit frightened by the kink behavior. So he really needs to stay away at the club. Just like Rubi needs to not be around my family or at work. And Gracelyn has expressed a wish to avoid both sex and kink. We need a system.
Written and verbal cues don't work all the time for all of us. At the very least, Silent One doesn't use language, so any language-based cues are going to be a problem. Several of us have discussed it, and here's what we've come up with.
We associate red with sex. So there will be a red light in the Sharing Room, opposite the door to the 'Front Office'. When it's on, there's sex-stuff going on. Those who are not interested in sex will be able to see the light from the back hallway, and avoid the common Sharing Room entirely. That would be Gracelyn Rose and Lynn, and anyone else who just isn't in the mood.
We decided to use Blue to indicate kink-play is going on. Some things will probably be painful, and those that want to avoid the kink, or the pain, or both, should not come out when the blue light is on. That would be Grace, Lynn, Jarett, and Paul. Jarett has been asked to help keep Paul out of kinky situations, including simply hanging out at the club. Kiara will check with someone else before coming out in the blue light, to see if it's pain-play or not.
And we also wanted a light to indicate 'Free Play'. We'll turn on a green light when it's safe for anyone to come out that wants to, without waiting for the situation, or the boyfriend, to call them out. Sometimes it's rude to just walk into the front room, like when I'm at work or presenting a class or talking to my parents. Some of us are more timid about just inviting themselves to front unless they've been called. By putting on the Green Light, we're saying that if someone is just in the mood to come out, they are encouraged to do so. This will probably be times at home when nothing in particular is going on.
And a crisis light. We're going to use the yellow light to indicate that we are struggling, that things are not going smoothly. And during these times, it would be great if everyone could keep things quiet, maybe even stay in their rooms (those that have them). If we can keep things calm, then I can work on settling things down.
The lights will be controlled from the Watching Room, where Lynn will have control of the switches to turn them off and on as needed. This is an experiment, so we'll see how it works.
A Glitch In The Works [Me]
I've put off blogging this week. That's not surprising; last weekend got really rough on us, and I wasn't ready to sit down and really talk/write/think about it. The good news is that when I'm trying to put something off, I get a lot of other stuff done. I make myself 'too busy' to do that thing I'm dreading. So I've been pretty productive. Yay me. But now I'm ready to deal with last weekend.
I like to tell myself that my system is very well-controlled. We switch out at-will as appropriate to the time and place we find ourself. The children never come out while we're driving. When I'm presenting or at work, only responsible folk take the spotlight. The vanilla parts don't come out while we're doing kink. The nonsexual parts don't come out during sex. Nobody comes out when my parents are with us. We are quite well-regulated and share consciousness with consideration for each other and for those outside our system.
Well, most of the time that's true. Sometimes things just go wonky. The most obvious exception to this is when a new alter is about to emerge or has just emerged, and we're trying to settle them into place. Apparently my behavior is very distinct when this is going on - when Gracelyn Rose was starting to come out, the boyfriend asked if that's what was going on before we were even ready to tell him about it. We get distracted, jumpy, and have trouble concentrating, especially in places where we are comfortable switching about, like at home.
In the week after the collaring, we were - physically - doing a lot of healing. And mentally, we had just accepted Gracelyn Rose in as well. The boyfriend invited her out once to talk, and that seems to have been sufficient for her. She appears to be very much a 'background utility program' kind of alter. Another thing going on is that Rubi seemed to just up and disappear. We have a few theories as to why. Perhaps she got 'fed' so much suffering during the collaring scene that she was sated, and went into hibernation like a fat bear. She may have had some lingering issues about having accepted a collar at all, agreeing to put herself under someone else's authority. In fact, she referenced that feeling a little bit in the blog entry she wrote, just before she disappeared. She may simply have been making a point, that we do need her, and we aren't as balanced a person without her. It's hard to tell.
Either way, her absence became a real problem for us when we went to the club to play last weekend. Without Rubi, I have almost no pain tolerance. And I'm known there for my ability to take some pretty heavy pain. But even light play was too much for me, not enjoyable at all, and I had to ask to stop. If Rubi's point was to prove that we needed her for play, it definitely worked. It also really unsettled us.
And then, somehow, Paul was out. Now, Paul has said he's not interested in the kink stuff. But there he was, out at the kink club. And there are two reasons why, that I know of. There is a young man that has been showing up there recently that apparently matches, physically, how Paul sees himself. He's a skinny young fellow that's very energetic, climbing and swinging on the equipment and generally just playing and having a good time. Paul can picture himself doing all that, except that this body just isn't capable of the kind of movement he's craving. So he sits still instead. Several times we've watched Paul watch this boy. We've also watched him watch someone else, a man that resembles our boyfriend a good bit, but isn't nearly as familiar. Every time he's near, Paul watches him. He seems to have some sort of crush on him. So with both of them at the club Saturday, I suppose it's not too big a surprise that Paul came out when we stopped playing.
However, Paul is an offshoot of Cherish, and they both have a lot of anxiety when it comes to other people. And there were a lot of people at the club that night, and the music seemed extra loud. There wasn't any space to just sit and be quiet. Usually there is. And with Paul out, the tension just built up more and more until he was really having a panic attack. Kiara came out to co-front with him to try and calm things down - she's very comfortable at the club or with crowds - but it didn't work. Instead she 'caught' what he was feeling, and we ended up with two weepy unhappy children. And when panic sets in, it seems the 'door' to switch in and out gets stuck a bit. They stayed out even after the boyfriend took us home.
The next morning we were still off a bit - jumpy and emotional. But there was a munch - a bunch of kinky folks getting together for lunch - and that always cheers me up, to get to socialize with friends. Except they are my friends - and Sam and Kiara's - and not Paul's friends. And he was still stuck out, co-conscious with me, but kind of in the background. He couldn't go all the way in, and didn't want to come all the way out. So even amongst friends, I just couldn't muster the enthusiasm to be really friendly and happy, so I left early and went home. Sunday is gaming (Dungeons and Dragons - yep I'm a geek), so I went to my room and got out some Legos to see if Paul would calm down and let us switch back out. He didn't switch out, but he did seem to enjoy the Legos, until a friend came by to see me and Kiara - but got Paul instead. Since this friend hadn't met Paul before, and Paul was not in a great mood for getting to know him, it didn't go very well. They had some uncomfortable hanging out until the boyfriend showed up. We tried several things to help Paul switch out, but finally the boyfriend had to really scare us, take us by surprise, and force a switch. At which point, grateful but shaken, Paul dove into hiding.
Since he first emerged, Paul's been very conflicted and angst-y. As many eleven-year-old boys are, I suppose. He's shy and has a lot of anxiety in a crowd. He's very uncomfortable in an old, fat, female body that can't move around the way he'd like. And he's struggling with a sexual identity. It's become obvious that he likes men; but he doesn't want to like men. He wants the closeness that a relationship brings, but he's eleven and knows that asking for that sort of contact with someone would bring up a lot of issues for that other person - both because of his age and because he's an alter. The boyfriend has tried to talk to him about all this, but generally gets little more than a shrug in response. We'll see how it all works out.
So Saturday night and Sunday day were a bust for us, emotionally. Monday we had a play session scheduled, one that I knew would get pretty rough, pain-play-wise. Before we started, of course I let my partner know that we had a couple of issues happening, especially about Rubi being AWOL. Since he usually plays with Rubi primarily, it was a serious concern. But the minute they started playing, out she came, and things were just fine. She told him something along the lines of she was waiting to come out to play with him, because she wasn't feeling challenged by anyone else. So she was bored, until he gave her something worthwhile to come out for. Now, I know a lot of that is posturing on her part; that's who she is. But it does remind me to make sure she gets some intense play every now and then to keep her from becoming an issue for us.
Since that play session, I'm actually feeling pretty great. Back to being pretty centered. Paul's been out for a few short sessions, and then back in - like he's practicing the mechanism of switching in and out. I'm for it. Rubi's been in the background as usual, ready for her fun if it comes up. My body is pretty much all healed from the collaring, and is now healing from Monday's session. Things seem to be back to 'normal' for me.
I like to tell myself that my system is very well-controlled. We switch out at-will as appropriate to the time and place we find ourself. The children never come out while we're driving. When I'm presenting or at work, only responsible folk take the spotlight. The vanilla parts don't come out while we're doing kink. The nonsexual parts don't come out during sex. Nobody comes out when my parents are with us. We are quite well-regulated and share consciousness with consideration for each other and for those outside our system.
Well, most of the time that's true. Sometimes things just go wonky. The most obvious exception to this is when a new alter is about to emerge or has just emerged, and we're trying to settle them into place. Apparently my behavior is very distinct when this is going on - when Gracelyn Rose was starting to come out, the boyfriend asked if that's what was going on before we were even ready to tell him about it. We get distracted, jumpy, and have trouble concentrating, especially in places where we are comfortable switching about, like at home.
In the week after the collaring, we were - physically - doing a lot of healing. And mentally, we had just accepted Gracelyn Rose in as well. The boyfriend invited her out once to talk, and that seems to have been sufficient for her. She appears to be very much a 'background utility program' kind of alter. Another thing going on is that Rubi seemed to just up and disappear. We have a few theories as to why. Perhaps she got 'fed' so much suffering during the collaring scene that she was sated, and went into hibernation like a fat bear. She may have had some lingering issues about having accepted a collar at all, agreeing to put herself under someone else's authority. In fact, she referenced that feeling a little bit in the blog entry she wrote, just before she disappeared. She may simply have been making a point, that we do need her, and we aren't as balanced a person without her. It's hard to tell.
Either way, her absence became a real problem for us when we went to the club to play last weekend. Without Rubi, I have almost no pain tolerance. And I'm known there for my ability to take some pretty heavy pain. But even light play was too much for me, not enjoyable at all, and I had to ask to stop. If Rubi's point was to prove that we needed her for play, it definitely worked. It also really unsettled us.
And then, somehow, Paul was out. Now, Paul has said he's not interested in the kink stuff. But there he was, out at the kink club. And there are two reasons why, that I know of. There is a young man that has been showing up there recently that apparently matches, physically, how Paul sees himself. He's a skinny young fellow that's very energetic, climbing and swinging on the equipment and generally just playing and having a good time. Paul can picture himself doing all that, except that this body just isn't capable of the kind of movement he's craving. So he sits still instead. Several times we've watched Paul watch this boy. We've also watched him watch someone else, a man that resembles our boyfriend a good bit, but isn't nearly as familiar. Every time he's near, Paul watches him. He seems to have some sort of crush on him. So with both of them at the club Saturday, I suppose it's not too big a surprise that Paul came out when we stopped playing.
However, Paul is an offshoot of Cherish, and they both have a lot of anxiety when it comes to other people. And there were a lot of people at the club that night, and the music seemed extra loud. There wasn't any space to just sit and be quiet. Usually there is. And with Paul out, the tension just built up more and more until he was really having a panic attack. Kiara came out to co-front with him to try and calm things down - she's very comfortable at the club or with crowds - but it didn't work. Instead she 'caught' what he was feeling, and we ended up with two weepy unhappy children. And when panic sets in, it seems the 'door' to switch in and out gets stuck a bit. They stayed out even after the boyfriend took us home.
The next morning we were still off a bit - jumpy and emotional. But there was a munch - a bunch of kinky folks getting together for lunch - and that always cheers me up, to get to socialize with friends. Except they are my friends - and Sam and Kiara's - and not Paul's friends. And he was still stuck out, co-conscious with me, but kind of in the background. He couldn't go all the way in, and didn't want to come all the way out. So even amongst friends, I just couldn't muster the enthusiasm to be really friendly and happy, so I left early and went home. Sunday is gaming (Dungeons and Dragons - yep I'm a geek), so I went to my room and got out some Legos to see if Paul would calm down and let us switch back out. He didn't switch out, but he did seem to enjoy the Legos, until a friend came by to see me and Kiara - but got Paul instead. Since this friend hadn't met Paul before, and Paul was not in a great mood for getting to know him, it didn't go very well. They had some uncomfortable hanging out until the boyfriend showed up. We tried several things to help Paul switch out, but finally the boyfriend had to really scare us, take us by surprise, and force a switch. At which point, grateful but shaken, Paul dove into hiding.
Since he first emerged, Paul's been very conflicted and angst-y. As many eleven-year-old boys are, I suppose. He's shy and has a lot of anxiety in a crowd. He's very uncomfortable in an old, fat, female body that can't move around the way he'd like. And he's struggling with a sexual identity. It's become obvious that he likes men; but he doesn't want to like men. He wants the closeness that a relationship brings, but he's eleven and knows that asking for that sort of contact with someone would bring up a lot of issues for that other person - both because of his age and because he's an alter. The boyfriend has tried to talk to him about all this, but generally gets little more than a shrug in response. We'll see how it all works out.
So Saturday night and Sunday day were a bust for us, emotionally. Monday we had a play session scheduled, one that I knew would get pretty rough, pain-play-wise. Before we started, of course I let my partner know that we had a couple of issues happening, especially about Rubi being AWOL. Since he usually plays with Rubi primarily, it was a serious concern. But the minute they started playing, out she came, and things were just fine. She told him something along the lines of she was waiting to come out to play with him, because she wasn't feeling challenged by anyone else. So she was bored, until he gave her something worthwhile to come out for. Now, I know a lot of that is posturing on her part; that's who she is. But it does remind me to make sure she gets some intense play every now and then to keep her from becoming an issue for us.
Since that play session, I'm actually feeling pretty great. Back to being pretty centered. Paul's been out for a few short sessions, and then back in - like he's practicing the mechanism of switching in and out. I'm for it. Rubi's been in the background as usual, ready for her fun if it comes up. My body is pretty much all healed from the collaring, and is now healing from Monday's session. Things seem to be back to 'normal' for me.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Fighting Is Good for a Relationship [Rubi]
Okay, in the throes of love, everyone thinks, "oh, we'll never fight." I call Bullshit. If you aren't fighting, you aren't communicating, and you aren't having a relationship. In the BDSM world, you get poor naive children saying stuff like, "I'll do whatever he tells me and never argue." Come on, you have an opinion. I have lots of opinions, and I'm not going to stifle them just because someone else has a different one. You think the boyfriend would want to keep me if I didn't express myself? If he wanted some opinion-less body to fuck and never talk to, he'd get a blow-up doll. They're cheaper to feed, anyway.
So yeah, we fight. In fact, I was worrying coming up on that collaring ceremony because we hadn't had any kind of a reasonable argument yet. You don't really know if your relationship is worth crap until you've had a fight and made up too. We finally had a kind-of-a little fight a couple weeks ago. Doesn't really matter what kinda shit it was over, just how it was handled. The boyfriend told us to do something that was patently unnecessary, and was worrying over something even after we'd told him it was just fine. So yeah, I blew him off, told him it was fine, and went on about my business.
Now, generally, this is not a big deal. But with three pretty strong-willed people in the house, there's gotta be a heirarchy of command. I get that. And he's gotta be in charge, or all hell is gonna break loose when the two of us girls come into conflict. Believe me, I know conflict, and if he's not in charge, then the three of us will not be living together for long. So I'm willing to let him be in charge, even when it pisses me off. Anyway, after the blow-off earlier, he waited about an hour, then made sure M was out and about. He told her it really annoyed him that we blew him off, and that he wants us to do as told, even when we don't think it's necessary. They talked a couple minutes, then went back to what they were doing.
So a calm talk after the matter, before it got so bad anyone was pissed off. Not a very glamorous fight, but it showed us what kind of fight he'd make of things that bother him. And save the yelling and physical shit for when it's time for fun, instead.
So yeah, we fight. In fact, I was worrying coming up on that collaring ceremony because we hadn't had any kind of a reasonable argument yet. You don't really know if your relationship is worth crap until you've had a fight and made up too. We finally had a kind-of-a little fight a couple weeks ago. Doesn't really matter what kinda shit it was over, just how it was handled. The boyfriend told us to do something that was patently unnecessary, and was worrying over something even after we'd told him it was just fine. So yeah, I blew him off, told him it was fine, and went on about my business.
Now, generally, this is not a big deal. But with three pretty strong-willed people in the house, there's gotta be a heirarchy of command. I get that. And he's gotta be in charge, or all hell is gonna break loose when the two of us girls come into conflict. Believe me, I know conflict, and if he's not in charge, then the three of us will not be living together for long. So I'm willing to let him be in charge, even when it pisses me off. Anyway, after the blow-off earlier, he waited about an hour, then made sure M was out and about. He told her it really annoyed him that we blew him off, and that he wants us to do as told, even when we don't think it's necessary. They talked a couple minutes, then went back to what they were doing.
So a calm talk after the matter, before it got so bad anyone was pissed off. Not a very glamorous fight, but it showed us what kind of fight he'd make of things that bother him. And save the yelling and physical shit for when it's time for fun, instead.
Updated Floorplan [Me]
I've been working on a new internal floorplan. I added rooms for Gracelyn Rose and Paul. And rearranged a little bit. You'll notice that Lynn, Silent One, and I don't have rooms of our own. Silent One prowls the Lock-Down Room, and Lynn is always observing. I'm limited to the front three rooms - the Spotlight, Sharing, and Watching rooms. Occasionally I manage to crash out on the couch in the Sharing room and stop paying attention to what's happening.
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