Still dealing with depression. Not during the day. No, during the day I push through and fake it well enough to function just fine. At supper time the tension starts building. I go to bed hopeful things will be okay this night, and then Boss comes to bed. And one or the other of us - or both - will take exception to something the other says, or doesn't say, or did, or didn't do. And then we have a big fight. Again. We're both spiraling down, and dragging the other with us.
I hate this. I just feel numb about everything. I feel like I'm dragging my feet through life, waiting for things to get better. I can't get really happy about anything. We went to the club last night and played, and even though I got a really heavy buzz from the scene, I still wasn't Happy about it. I was, at best, pleasant. I don't want pleasant; I want giddy and silly and horny and laughing. The best I seem to be able to do is pleasant.
I can get the negative feelings to show up. Kind of. When the fighting starts, I vacillate between hurt and numb. There's some guilty - thanks to guilt trip behavior. There's some hurt for his hurting, and some feeling that it isn't fair. But mostly it's a sense of resigning to the fact that yes, we're going to fight again. And I participate until I'm sure it's going nowhere good, and then the numbness covers me up and I just give up. I can't even hold a good mad. And the hurt only kicks in when it becomes enough to overwhelm the numbness. So I'm left crying and hurting and needing compassion.
Needless to say, my sex drive is kaput. So that gives us something more to fight about. I want to be horny, but yeah, isn't happening. My sleep is suffering, obviously. Notice I'm out here typing at 11pm, knowing I have to get up in the morning for work. My concentration is pretty flighty; luckily I don't need a lot of it at work. Monday, it was a joke to think of actually getting anything done.
So I often kind of half joke and say that I've got a two-year expiration date. I just checked; I got serious with Boss two years ago next month. This month, in an hour. Some joke, huh?
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Friday, July 26, 2013
Akhilandeshvari - Change, Fear, and Brokenness [Me]
I ran across this article from Facebook today - http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-broken-in-a-pile-on-your-bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea-julie-jc-peters/. Go ahead and read it, or at least skim it; I'll wait.
I have certainly found myself lying broken in a pile on my bedroom floor - more than once. Usually it follows after weeks of trying to hold it together and be strong to deal with all the things I or we need to deal with. And I'll seesaw back and forth between 'holding it together' and 'falling apart', until I finally crash, completely and utterly, and hit the bottom of depression. There's crying and not talking and staring into space, maybe even throwing up and taking naps at weird times and eating binges. But I can't seem to get back up to a healthy point without that crash. When you're at the bottom, you can't go anywhere but up, right?
I've been floating up and down on that seesaw a lot lately. I'm not depressed, but I'm definitely not happy. I know it's stressing Boss out a lot, or his stress is stressing me out a lot. Whatever; it goes both ways. But I can't crash yet, because the problems causing the stress still exist. Some of them. There's money problems - but there are always money problems. Boss got a job, so that one's clear. But Boss and the boyfriend are still all cold shoulders to each other, and I can't seem to figure out a way to change that. My teaching is going excellently! But I'm putting in a lot of extra work on my classes. I'm not sleeping well, and my switching around seems to be kind of erratic. Boss and Paul have worked some things out, and that's really great. And I still own a house that I need to sell, and both our vehicles need to be traded in and replaced. So yeah, too much chaos to crash and restart yet. So I'm holding it together. Mostly.
So this goddess, Akhilandeshvari. She seems to be a multiple's patron goddess. Always change and chaos and brokenness. Harnessing fear and spinning it around to be strength. I love this line: "All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole."
I searched the name of this goddess, and came up with a few more good articles. Every one of them was kicked off by reading that original article I just linked to you above.
I have certainly found myself lying broken in a pile on my bedroom floor - more than once. Usually it follows after weeks of trying to hold it together and be strong to deal with all the things I or we need to deal with. And I'll seesaw back and forth between 'holding it together' and 'falling apart', until I finally crash, completely and utterly, and hit the bottom of depression. There's crying and not talking and staring into space, maybe even throwing up and taking naps at weird times and eating binges. But I can't seem to get back up to a healthy point without that crash. When you're at the bottom, you can't go anywhere but up, right?
I've been floating up and down on that seesaw a lot lately. I'm not depressed, but I'm definitely not happy. I know it's stressing Boss out a lot, or his stress is stressing me out a lot. Whatever; it goes both ways. But I can't crash yet, because the problems causing the stress still exist. Some of them. There's money problems - but there are always money problems. Boss got a job, so that one's clear. But Boss and the boyfriend are still all cold shoulders to each other, and I can't seem to figure out a way to change that. My teaching is going excellently! But I'm putting in a lot of extra work on my classes. I'm not sleeping well, and my switching around seems to be kind of erratic. Boss and Paul have worked some things out, and that's really great. And I still own a house that I need to sell, and both our vehicles need to be traded in and replaced. So yeah, too much chaos to crash and restart yet. So I'm holding it together. Mostly.
So this goddess, Akhilandeshvari. She seems to be a multiple's patron goddess. Always change and chaos and brokenness. Harnessing fear and spinning it around to be strength. I love this line: "All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole."
I searched the name of this goddess, and came up with a few more good articles. Every one of them was kicked off by reading that original article I just linked to you above.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
More MPD Dance [Me]
A few months ago, I blogged about the MPD Dance my daughter choreographed. I finally got to watch the video, and Boss watched it with me. I can't share the video still, but here are a couple more pics from it.
Watching it again was great. I couldn't see the expressions on the dancers faces; that was a great part of seeing it live. But watching it smaller this time was still pretty powerful. Getting Boss's reactions to it was great, too. He recognized some of my alters in her dance; that's pretty good choreography, considering that my daughter hasn't even met all of us yet. Below, you can see a Rubi-equivalent trying to get the body's attention.
Watching it again was great. I couldn't see the expressions on the dancers faces; that was a great part of seeing it live. But watching it smaller this time was still pretty powerful. Getting Boss's reactions to it was great, too. He recognized some of my alters in her dance; that's pretty good choreography, considering that my daughter hasn't even met all of us yet. Below, you can see a Rubi-equivalent trying to get the body's attention.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Maybe this is Growth? [Me]
This week's had some highs and lows. I've been wanting to blog, but not sure how to present things, or how much to present. I'm still not sure right now.
Biggest downer first. We had a huge... incident a few nights ago. Paul was out, and Boss asked for Baby Paul, and no one's really sure what happened next, but next thing I'm sure of is that I was out, but completely panicking. And I wasn't all the way out; I was in a bit of a fugue/dream state, and the panic was completely overwhelming. I was hitting out and screaming and fighting. I think. I was in my head, but I gather that externally the action was a bit more subdued. It reminds me of the nightmares and waking-up effects from when I was married the first time and reacting to abuse by majorly dissociating. Of course, Boss took care of me as best he could; he always does. I know I worried him a lot. But we've discussed what we think might have happened and things to try to avoid triggering something like that again.
Now, the strange thing is, to me, that Silent One didn't come out at this point. This is the type of reaction among which Silent One was born. The panic would lead to Silent One comatose back then. And more recently, the panic would lead to Silent One active and defending itself. Instead, it was - as far as Boss or I could tell - me, possibly a younger version of me, just panicking. So we got to talking about Silent One, and realized it hasn't been out in maybe a couple of months. Internally, we've gone to Silent One's 'room', where the jungle plants stick out through the bars on the door, and stood there, making noise. There doesn't really seem to be anyone home. Is Silent One missing? And if it is, is that a good thing or a bad thing? We're not really sure what to think about that.
Good stuff, though. Partially in outcome from the big incident, Boss and Paul ended up really having some good chat time, and spent some time talking about how things work - should work - could work, as well as just hanging out together. We went to a munch earlier this week that was followed by arcade gaming, and Paul had a great time that night. Kiara's been out a lot lately, too. There have been several movie trips and shopping trips for her. So she's happy these days. I think she's finally 90% over Bear. I worry that it seems she's slower to whole-heartedly like people now, though. She's not supposed to grow up that way.
After the incident above, when I came mostly to, I realized I couldn't talk. Just didn't seem to be able to make that 'program' function. I tried to sign to Boss, but I don't know enough sign to communicate well, so he thought I was telling him my head hurt, so he turned off the light. So no more signing. Baby Paul made some rudimentary signs last night, too. I think it's time for me to start learning more sign language.
Biggest downer first. We had a huge... incident a few nights ago. Paul was out, and Boss asked for Baby Paul, and no one's really sure what happened next, but next thing I'm sure of is that I was out, but completely panicking. And I wasn't all the way out; I was in a bit of a fugue/dream state, and the panic was completely overwhelming. I was hitting out and screaming and fighting. I think. I was in my head, but I gather that externally the action was a bit more subdued. It reminds me of the nightmares and waking-up effects from when I was married the first time and reacting to abuse by majorly dissociating. Of course, Boss took care of me as best he could; he always does. I know I worried him a lot. But we've discussed what we think might have happened and things to try to avoid triggering something like that again.
Now, the strange thing is, to me, that Silent One didn't come out at this point. This is the type of reaction among which Silent One was born. The panic would lead to Silent One comatose back then. And more recently, the panic would lead to Silent One active and defending itself. Instead, it was - as far as Boss or I could tell - me, possibly a younger version of me, just panicking. So we got to talking about Silent One, and realized it hasn't been out in maybe a couple of months. Internally, we've gone to Silent One's 'room', where the jungle plants stick out through the bars on the door, and stood there, making noise. There doesn't really seem to be anyone home. Is Silent One missing? And if it is, is that a good thing or a bad thing? We're not really sure what to think about that.
Good stuff, though. Partially in outcome from the big incident, Boss and Paul ended up really having some good chat time, and spent some time talking about how things work - should work - could work, as well as just hanging out together. We went to a munch earlier this week that was followed by arcade gaming, and Paul had a great time that night. Kiara's been out a lot lately, too. There have been several movie trips and shopping trips for her. So she's happy these days. I think she's finally 90% over Bear. I worry that it seems she's slower to whole-heartedly like people now, though. She's not supposed to grow up that way.
After the incident above, when I came mostly to, I realized I couldn't talk. Just didn't seem to be able to make that 'program' function. I tried to sign to Boss, but I don't know enough sign to communicate well, so he thought I was telling him my head hurt, so he turned off the light. So no more signing. Baby Paul made some rudimentary signs last night, too. I think it's time for me to start learning more sign language.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Teaching is the Big Thing [Me]
Lately, I've been really busy getting teaching stuff together. I've got classes planned at least twice a month from here on out! Sometimes I joke that I need an alter to do nothing but teach, but really I've got it covered pretty well. But it is something I'm spending a lot of time on. I'm also working with a local nurse who will be presenting to a nursing convention this fall to help her put together her information. So I have four different class-type things I'm working on for myself:
For about three years, I've been teaching something called Dungeon 101. It's a monthly 'Welcome to the Dungeon' class, for people who are new to the Nashville community, whether or not they're new to kink. It's been really successful, getting 20-30 people at it nearly every month.
Some of the people coming to that class wanted to get the same information presented to their family & friends that want to know more about kink, but without bringing them to the dungeon itself. So then I started teaching a class called Kink 101. It's not as in-depth about actual play, but covers more about safety and being in an alternative lifestyle. I've taught it a couple of times in the last year, and planning to do so again next month.
Earlier this year, I worked with a local psychotherapist to do a bigger version of that class that was directed specifically at healthcare providers - doctors, nurses, counselors, therapists, etc. It's Kink 101 for Healthcare Providers, but we've been calling it just Pro 101. And I'm going to be doing it again this fall!
And starting this month, I'm part of a team of people teach a series of monthly classes called BDSM Basics. The first class of this will be an Intro to BDSM, but then we'll do things like Basic Rope, Negotiating a Scene, Basics of Impact, stuff like that.
Well, in the last few weeks, I've talked to people about doing another Kink 101, doing Pro 101 again, and then presenting Kink 101 at two different conventions in town! I've also been talking about doing Kink 101 and/or Dungeon 101 with folks in several nearby towns, but nothing definite on that. So here's my upcoming schedule, which I'm very excited about:
July - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics begins
August - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics, Kink 101
September - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics, Pro 101
October - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics, Con-Kink 101 (maybe)
November - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics, Con-Kink 101 (maybe)
December - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics
For about three years, I've been teaching something called Dungeon 101. It's a monthly 'Welcome to the Dungeon' class, for people who are new to the Nashville community, whether or not they're new to kink. It's been really successful, getting 20-30 people at it nearly every month.
Some of the people coming to that class wanted to get the same information presented to their family & friends that want to know more about kink, but without bringing them to the dungeon itself. So then I started teaching a class called Kink 101. It's not as in-depth about actual play, but covers more about safety and being in an alternative lifestyle. I've taught it a couple of times in the last year, and planning to do so again next month.
Earlier this year, I worked with a local psychotherapist to do a bigger version of that class that was directed specifically at healthcare providers - doctors, nurses, counselors, therapists, etc. It's Kink 101 for Healthcare Providers, but we've been calling it just Pro 101. And I'm going to be doing it again this fall!
And starting this month, I'm part of a team of people teach a series of monthly classes called BDSM Basics. The first class of this will be an Intro to BDSM, but then we'll do things like Basic Rope, Negotiating a Scene, Basics of Impact, stuff like that.
Well, in the last few weeks, I've talked to people about doing another Kink 101, doing Pro 101 again, and then presenting Kink 101 at two different conventions in town! I've also been talking about doing Kink 101 and/or Dungeon 101 with folks in several nearby towns, but nothing definite on that. So here's my upcoming schedule, which I'm very excited about:
July - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics begins
August - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics, Kink 101
September - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics, Pro 101
October - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics, Con-Kink 101 (maybe)
November - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics, Con-Kink 101 (maybe)
December - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Quote Files Anniversary
So today is the one-year anniversary of another blog. I love to collect quotations, so here are the ones that I've collected that mean something to me - http://quotefiles.blogspot.com/
Monday, July 1, 2013
Bowling Trip [Paul]
We went bowling last night, and several of us got to actually bowl, so it's worth talking about here. We, as a system, have some great friends who are really open to dealing with us as a multiple and really accepting. I mean, they ask questions about being multiple and stuff, which is cool. But even better, they accept whoever's out like it's just no big deal. And that's really awesome.
So it was some of those folks we were with yesterday. They are people we know from the club, which is where we're completely out about being multi. The people organizing it have known M and me and Kiara for a while, and maybe some others? And MK went with us, so we felt pretty comfortable being whoever we wanted to be.
M was out when we got there. She said hi to everyone, and she went ahead and started bowling. The friends I mentioned bowled with us, and it was just having fun; nobody was being competitive or anything. Mostly we were sitting around talking, and just happened to be bowling at the same time. They did ask about this blog, which is pretty cool. It's always kinda nice to know somebody's reading.
For the second game, I asked if I could come out. I knew that M would get tired and hurting pretty quick; she's old. But I'm ambidextrous, so I could bowl left-handed and give the right arm a break. Now, I'd never bowled before, I don't think, but I've got access to the 'how-to' files in our head, so I just tried to do the same thing M does, only on the other side. I guttered out the first few balls, but then I got the hang of it and did pretty well alright.
The original plan was that Kiara could come out and bowl the third game, but about halfway through my game she decided she didn't want to. She told me that she was afraid people would make fun of her, or she'd be really bad at it. I mean, I told her these people wouldn't care, but she's pretty stubborn. She didn't want to do it. So after the second game, several people didn't want to continue, and we walked around to see what games and stuff there were in the arcade part of the bowling alley.
When we got back, someone suggested that we could put the bumpers up, and Kiara got really excited and said she would try bowling, if she got to use bumpers. So we set up a third game, and switched out to let Kiara bowl. After her first frame, though, the bowling alley people put the bumpers down. And when one of our friends asked about it, they said bumpers only for kids. Kiara got really pouty about that, and almost started crying, but she managed to get through it and play anyway. And as it turned it, she almost beat my score, so she had nothing to worry about!
So yeah, we had fun. But it would have been really weird for someone watching that didn't know we were multiple. See, M bowls kinda normally. Right hand, and rolls it down with a fairly standard amateur kinda roll. I did pretty much the same kind of roll, only with the left hand. And Kiara holds the ball upside down from normal, like she's dangling it off of the two fingers, and rolls it down underhand. And she throws it a lot softer than me, and I throw it softer than M, I think. M bowled a 91, and I got 62, and Kiara got 58, I think.
But I know watching from a distance we've all got different body language and everything, too. So it probably looked confusing. But because the people with us know all three of us, we all got a turn, and it was really comfortable and easy. It was a fun night.
So it was some of those folks we were with yesterday. They are people we know from the club, which is where we're completely out about being multi. The people organizing it have known M and me and Kiara for a while, and maybe some others? And MK went with us, so we felt pretty comfortable being whoever we wanted to be.
M was out when we got there. She said hi to everyone, and she went ahead and started bowling. The friends I mentioned bowled with us, and it was just having fun; nobody was being competitive or anything. Mostly we were sitting around talking, and just happened to be bowling at the same time. They did ask about this blog, which is pretty cool. It's always kinda nice to know somebody's reading.
For the second game, I asked if I could come out. I knew that M would get tired and hurting pretty quick; she's old. But I'm ambidextrous, so I could bowl left-handed and give the right arm a break. Now, I'd never bowled before, I don't think, but I've got access to the 'how-to' files in our head, so I just tried to do the same thing M does, only on the other side. I guttered out the first few balls, but then I got the hang of it and did pretty well alright.
The original plan was that Kiara could come out and bowl the third game, but about halfway through my game she decided she didn't want to. She told me that she was afraid people would make fun of her, or she'd be really bad at it. I mean, I told her these people wouldn't care, but she's pretty stubborn. She didn't want to do it. So after the second game, several people didn't want to continue, and we walked around to see what games and stuff there were in the arcade part of the bowling alley.
When we got back, someone suggested that we could put the bumpers up, and Kiara got really excited and said she would try bowling, if she got to use bumpers. So we set up a third game, and switched out to let Kiara bowl. After her first frame, though, the bowling alley people put the bumpers down. And when one of our friends asked about it, they said bumpers only for kids. Kiara got really pouty about that, and almost started crying, but she managed to get through it and play anyway. And as it turned it, she almost beat my score, so she had nothing to worry about!
So yeah, we had fun. But it would have been really weird for someone watching that didn't know we were multiple. See, M bowls kinda normally. Right hand, and rolls it down with a fairly standard amateur kinda roll. I did pretty much the same kind of roll, only with the left hand. And Kiara holds the ball upside down from normal, like she's dangling it off of the two fingers, and rolls it down underhand. And she throws it a lot softer than me, and I throw it softer than M, I think. M bowled a 91, and I got 62, and Kiara got 58, I think.
But I know watching from a distance we've all got different body language and everything, too. So it probably looked confusing. But because the people with us know all three of us, we all got a turn, and it was really comfortable and easy. It was a fun night.
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