The Joy of Three [Me]

"One" is on his own,
"Two" is about "Me" and "You"
But the joy of "Three"–
Is all in being "We"!

from http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/

NOVEMBER 18, 2012

You might have noticed that our poly family is in a 'V' shape. I am in love with Boss, and he with me. He and my metamour are also in love with one another. She and I, not so much. I'm not created in such a way as to love a woman romantically. But we are friends, and housemates, and family. She considers my daughter hers, for instance. 

Yet, even without being in love with both of my partners, they are still both my partners. We are a 'we', a unit of three. If I am invited to a party, I make sure that we are all three invited, not just Boss and I. Because of her health, she cannot attend a lot of events, but I make sure that she has the option. 

If there is any struggle in a couple, it is 'me' vs. 'you'. Often, each person thinks first of their own needs and then only about the pleasure of their opposite number. In a triad, it seems to me that there is more of a focus on mutual win and group harmony. Because we know that the outside world is against us, we make an effort to think about the other folks' needs and compare them to our own. It's not that poly people are naturally more group-minded, but that they conscientiously try to be so in defense against this anti-poly world we live in.  

The only other time I've had that 'we' mindset in a family was when my daughter and I lived with my parents. We split up chores and responsibilities in the household, but then we all made an effort to not only get our own done, but to sneak around and surprise each other by doing someone else's chores. It was a very positive atmosphere, with lots of love and group-mindedness.

I've never felt that in a couple before. It's like we're not made to see three sides in a struggle. Just like we don't naturally think strategically in 3-D. Our minds are in a 2-D mindset. This Way vs. That Way. Winner vs. Loser. Up vs. Down. With a third person in the mix, we have to think about... well, about how we think.

There are certainly good things about being in a 'we': 

• In a couple, it's easy to lose sight of your individuality when you're constantly with another person. In a triad, you get both together time and alone time to be yourself.
•  In a couple, you can get bogged down with always being with that other person, no matter how much you love them. In a triad, as you trade back and forth, you get a break when you need it, so that seeing that person again is fresh. 
• In a couple, the dominant partner will get their way most of the time, sometimes breeding resentment by the person that gives in. In a triad, the two more submissive people can support each other sometimes, keeping the dominant person from always getting their way, which isn't healthy for anyone.
• Part of falling in love is the chase, the getting to know one another. You give that up to some extent for the security of being with someone that you love and know. In a poly relationship, there is the potential to have both. I can love Boss and know he's at home for me, but still flirt and get to know someone else - without risk to either.
• Some things Boss needs to be fulfilled, I can't give him. But he can get those things from his other love. I don't have to try to be something I'm not for him, but he doesn't have to do without what he needs for me.
• By getting together with Boss, I not only gained a lover in him, but also a friend in her. Another person that I can be my raw, private self with. Because she's stuck with me just as much as he is. There is security in being committed to one another. And to have that with two people instead of one just means double the security.
• In a couple, if one person is being unreasonable, the other person has the entire burden of dealing with that upon them. In a triad, the other two can work together to deal with that. And usually, only one is emotionally involved in the fight. You have a less-partial person to turn to who can play mediator.
• Many people, myself included, need to gripe and vent about their love from time to time. In my metamour, I have that perfect person. She knows his idiosyncrasies as well as I do, and we can commiserate together.
• In a couple, if one person is ill and needs cared for, the entire burden falls on the other partner. In a triad, two people can share that burden, taking turns or working together to care for them.
• In a couple, you have one or two incomes in the family. In a triad, you have two or three incomes.

There are many reasons why I prefer a poly lifestyle; these are just some of them. A 'group family' might be a more accurate description. I love being in a group family. More is better.