Littles' Night (Me)

This weekend, we're having a Littles' Night at our club. Now, in the kink community, a Little is someone who participates in Age Play. It's roleplay, where they take on the role of a child - infant, child, teen - and interact with someone else on that basis. In the multiple community, a Little is an alternate personality that is underage. I'm going to this party and I plan to let Kiara completely take over for the evening.

I/we feel safe being Kiara all evening at the club. Most people there already know that I'm multiple - I'm completely out to that community. And those that don't will simply assume that I'm age-playing, and it will work out fine that way. Also, several people will be going that I know Kiara cares about. One man that she's played with a little, another she has a huge crush on. And another multiple she knows, who also will be in little mode, I assume. And my sweetie will be there playing kitty-kat for the littles to play with too.

We're taking markers and printer-paper endrolls and coloring books. I hear there will be cookies and story time. We've both been excited about the party for a while now. Kiara picked out some new clothes to wear, and 'tested' the new markers. It should be a fun time.

Integration = Full-time Coconciousness? (Me)

I'm still thinking about integration as an idea. I finished Fractured Minds, and I'm getting the idea that integration may be less like killing off pieces of us, and more like being all-the-time co-conscious. The way he describes it, the internal conversation and negotiation is still happening after integration is considered successful.

So to confirm, my singleton friends, I need to hear from you. In your supposedly normal/sane/singleton heads, do you have dialogue and conversation between parts of your mind? Do you switch modes or attitudes to suit the task at hand? How disjointed is someone that's not multiple?

So I'm out to my daughter. Sort of. (Me)

My daughter is home from college. For the summer. I've had some discussions, both internal and external, about what that would mean for my household while she's home. While she's been gone, my household has become more and more a home/safe haven/hang-out place for a bunch of the kinky folk. I couldn't see closing down Motel M for several months. So I talked to my daughter about it. You know, I raised a really open-minded, cool person. She had a few very reasonable requests, having to do with the level of undress in the house and the use of her room. So I announced to the household that it's living as usual.

I teach a class at our local dungeon - "Dungeon 101: I'm Kinky, So Now What?" And one day last week, my daughter came upon some of the material for that class. She read the title out loud, and we held my breath, waiting for the reaction. She asked what the class was about, and that led to showing her the visual aids I use for the class. So I'm out to my daughter as kinky. She's fine with it, which I expected. She talked with her boyfriend about it, and let me know that she doesn't want to go to the dungeon herself, but she's fine with my lifestyle. We talked a little about some of the relationships I have, just for clarification.

So I'm out to my daughter as a kinky freak. And that went fine. I haven't talked to her about my multiplicity yet. I'm not sure if I'm going to. But her being around is already starting to put some pressure on our internal balance. If she's around, I'm out. I'm her Mom, and that's how it needs to be. Which means that the rest of us need to get out more when she's not around. She's a busy person; that's not too difficult. But we need to do so deliberately.

Am I being a coward? By all indications, she would take the news of my multiple personality status calmly and easily. I'm not sure if I'm protecting my daughter from having to deal with this, or protecting myself from having to tell her. Either way, we'll let the kinky out-ing settle in first before we tackle the possibility of coming out the rest of the way.

A Fractured Mind (Me)

I'm reading A Fractured Mind, written by fellow multiple Robert B. Oxnam.  This part tickled my fancy, so I'm sharing it. Contemplating integration, the dominant alter at the time is also considering stepping out of the central position and allowing another alter to take charge of their life:

In an ironic way, finding out about MPD came as a relief in this process. My burnout was total, and so I avoided a post-Asia Society life of sputtering about trying to light wet coals. Maybe it sounds bonkers to someone who does not have this disorder, but MPD gave me a chance to pass on my skills and memory bank without the responsibility of doing new jobs. It wasn't like dying. It was more like planned reincarnation.

I find this idea fascinating. And I think it makes the possibility of integration a little less terrifying. I can see where we've been a different 'me' in stages of life.

• I was a child, spoiled, a bit naive, well-loved and supported.
• My personality made a hard change at about 15, when I discovered boys and my parents' marriage fell apart. That led to my pregnancy and first marriage and dropping out of school. I guess you could call those Rubi's years.
• Then I had to pick up the pieces and grow up, attend college, raise my kid. Had another pitiful excuse for a marriage during those years, but when he left just before I turned 25, I made another huge shift.
• For six years, I was a born-again celibate single mom focused on raising my kid. And then, in my early 30s, I finally feel like I 'grew up'. I took control of my life, started having fun again. My daughter became a teen and started requiring less parenting and needing more friendship.
• And then I found kink and poly and discovered I was a multiple.

Some of these stages were really unpleasant. But they were valid parts of my life that define who I am today. I couldn't erase any of these stages and remain the same person. Likewise, I couldn't remove any of my personalities by integration and still remain the same whole. I like who I am, despite some of the shaky parts. And the idea of integration does feel a lot like 'killing' my personalities off one by one. However, if it's more like a purposeful abdication of power, taking turns being dominant, maybe-just-maybe that's something I could wrap my mind around some time and not be terrified. Some time. Not today.

Caught It - Losing Time (Me)

One thing that multiples suffer through a lot is losing time. Just completely missing the memory of what's happened over the last few minutes, hours, days. This isn't something I struggle with a lot. I think it's because I'm very co-conscious, but it could just be that it's happening and I'm missing it. Maybe my brain's hiding it from me. It does seem that, if someone reminds me of something that happened during that period, that memory will get pushed up close enough to the surface that I'll kind of remember it.

Monday I had an in-your-face example of this happening. I spent most of the day hanging with one of my friends. We drove around doing various errands. Early in the day, he pointed out that he hadn't gotten gas in his car in several days, and it was really low. We joked about whether the gas left would last through today's errands or not. After lunch, we got in the car, and I started to say something about the gas in the car, and suggest we better stop for some. But first I glanced at the gas gauge - and it's half-full. Now, obviously, we stopped for gas. But even aware of it, and trying to access the memory of doing so - nada. If put on the witness stand in a court of law and asked whether we had gotten gas that day, I would have said no, we did not. Absolutely sure. And yet, the gas gauge proved otherwise.

I've actually lost time several times with this particular friend. He's reminded me of several things we've done that I didn't remember until he said something. Big things, like half-day-long activities or things that were important to me at the time. Which tells me that I'm shifting around him a lot. But I don't know who it is that's hanging out with him. And he's one of those people that takes everything so in-stride, that I'm not sure whether he hasn't noticed, or he just hasn't felt it necessary to mention to me. Or maybe he's mentioned it to whichever alter is out, just not Me.

I'm working through how I feel about this. On one hand, I feel comfortable around him not to worry about shifting. So I'm not hyper-alert to it. On the other, I kind of feel like I lost my entire day off to someone internally, and I don't even know who.

Catch-Up after Con (Me, Sam, Rubi)

So I haven't posted much lately. I haven't had anything in particular I wanted to say. But I feel like I'm supposed to apologize to the invisible internet presence or something. Hey, what can I say, I've been busy. Last weekend I went to a convention. It's a convention for kinky folks, and we had a blast. This blog isn't for discussing the con specifically, but I want to put down some of the interactions it created for my system. My jaw hurts from Sam being out so much; I don't realize how wide she holds our mouth until the soreness kicks in. But I know Rubi and Kiara got a lot of 'out' time as well.

<SAM> It was really an ideal weekend for me - lots of people to meet, tease, and play with. I wrote FREE HUGS on my belly and wore clothes that would show it off - and I got lots of random hugging, both from friends and strangers. And got to bite on several hot guys. And received some nibbling as well that was oh-so-sexy. I don't think I was overly bratty to anyone who didn't enjoy it this year. Last year I did overdo it with one friend, and had to apologize to him. Poor stick-in-the-mud fellow. I got the kind of play that really revs my engine, and got to share that scene with someone I like an awful lot. Okay, there wasn't as much sex this weekend as I was hoping, but there was a ton of fun.

<RUBI> Okay, so my scene on the final night of the con was damned hot. There's not many people we trust to handle playing full-out, but I finally got to tangle with one of them. I've so missed him; it's been a few months since we've played. And it didn't hurt that a couple of hot burly guys came over to help out making sure we got all the space we needed. Yeah, nothing wrong with being surrounded by strong good-looking men.

<ME> Kiara doesn't want to write about her time at con, but she did get some fun. I missed several of the events that would have been great for her, though. She didn't even get to color anything. But there was lots of cuddling available. Counselor and I attended together a roundtable on Mental Health & Kink. I guess the only downside I can see from a multi point of view was Jarett. One of the people we rode down with is someone that has been flirting with Jarett a little, and I was hoping he'd be willing to come out and interact with her more, but it just didn't happen.