You may have noticed that I haven't posted in, well, weeks. One of my friends did - thanks, E. And I'm grateful that she said something. I mentioned early on that if I don't post for a while, it's probably because things are not going well, and I may need some encouragement. The last few weeks have been incredibly rough. And I still don't know how the situation is going to end, so I'm still feeling very shaky and uncertain. It's not a place I inhabit well, emotionally. I guess a recap would help you, the reader, at least. Boss and I have been fighting a lot over the last few months, for several reasons. And that's depressed to the point of withdrawing and internalizing a lot of what's going on. I don't share so well when I'm hurting.
Remember, Boss is also a multiple. One of his alters was coming out more and more. She had serious jealousy/possessiveness issues, especially where it comes to MK, my boyfriend. MK doesn't want to be 'our' boyfriend, as in dating everyone in the household (my system, Boss, and the Metamour). He wants to be my/our boyfriend, dating everyone in my system; he's only dating one body. Boss's female alter wanted MK to be dating her, also, and pushed herself on him, upsetting all three of us in the process. In a poly family, jealousy that isn't handled becomes a serious problem. But I can't offer that particular alter any alternate solution. She needs a dominant male to play with, and I'm never both of those at the same time. And she's very emotionally volatile, as teenage girls often are. So the more she was denied what she wanted, the more she was out, looking for what she needs. And the more I dealt with her, the more frustrated we all were.
Next issue - Boss has had a lot of stress building for work. His alter being a problem is causing a lot more. Fighting with me over jealousy issues meant he couldn't get comfort for me. So the stress built up more and more. Through some miscommunication of plans, and a jealous fit from his alter, he removed my collar. There wasn't a calm discussion, or even a rational decision; it was a temper tantrum, and there was no warning to me. I was completely furious, and felt betrayed and unwanted. It's like coming home to find your spouse has put your things outside and changed the locks. I pretty well broken for a little while.
We've been working through those two major issues for a while. We're still living together, as boyfriend/girlfriend, but I haven't put the collar back on; and I don't know if I'm going to be able to again. His female alter that was creating all the emotional turmoil has been muted a bit, and limited to a smaller role in his system. The rest of his system has come to some peace around jealousy issues, and the two guys are working on trying to be friends again, for my sake, if nothing else. The holidays are past, with their attendant stresses. And Boss's work deadline has been moved, making it less of a dead rush for him there.
Something that all this has brought to light is that we all three have some different ideas of what our household rules are, especially when it comes to relationships with people outside the three people that live in our apartment. So we're working on slowly coming to agreement on those rules and putting them in writing. It's a slow process, as we have to recover emotionally between bouts, and we all three have lots to say about, well, anything and everything.
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