I Hate Christians [Me]

Sometimes, I really hate other Christians. Well, not other Christians, because they aren't the same kind of Christians I am. But they call themselves Christians, and they shove that down the throat of everyone they meet. And when I identify as a Christian, the victims assume I'm that kind of Christian and hate me for it, and I can't even blame them. 

Let's split terms here. I believe that my God wants me to love people and be good and be happy. I prefer to think of Christianity as my faith, rather than my religion. So let's call people like me Faith Christians. And then there's the other folk, that tell everyone they're going to hell and argue and accuse and make the rest of the world think poorly about Christianity. Let's call them Religious Christians.

The impetus for today's rant comes from a friend who came to me asking for advice. She's in a therapy group where they are insisting that she recite the Serenity Prayer before every meeting. However, she's not Christian; why should they force her to say a Christian Prayer? That would be like my Muslim coworker dragging me to an office for prayer to Allah several times a day. How would that make any sense? I don't pray to a God I don't worship; why should she?

But what really made me angry came next. She has panic attacks every time someone starts talking about God because she grew up being told that she was a sinner and the Devil's child, and that God and Jesus were going to get her and punish her and make her suffer for it. She had this pounded into her head until she can't stand to even set foot in a church. She told me, "maybe one day I'll square out my issues with Jesus, but until then, I'm scared to death of him, God, and those who follow them". She's been told over and over that God is the big scary guy in the sky judging her and condemning her to Hell because she is evil. God is just as scary to her as Satan is.

I was really proud that she felt safe talking to me, knowing that I was a Christian, as she got into explaining. But I was also incredibly sad for her. The entirety of Christian teaching can be summed up as LOVE. And yet religious Christians were able to twist that around to terrorize this poor girl until she's afraid of the one being with the purest love for her. I hurt for her that she can't experience that love the way I do. And then I became angry. How dare these religious people sit in judgement of someone, telling her that she's evil, stealing away her ability to trust in her own Father?

Unfortunately, I have found Religious Christians to be some of the most judgemental, pushy, and negative people in my life. It's no wonder that I have so many friends that are Buddhists or pagan. I much prefer to talk faith with them than with these religious people. They are much closer to God - I mean, Love.

My Faith [Me]

I have several writings and references to my system of believing, and I'd like to bring them all together in one place. To many people, I probably don't appear to be a really heavily religious person. And for a lot of people, 'religious' is not a really positive term. It brings up images of people shoving tracts in your face, saying you'll go to Hell if you don't believe the way I believe. So that's correct, I'm not very religious. However, I have a deep faith in God and my relationship with Him. 

I didn't always; as a child I attended church a couple of times a year, Easter being one of them. And if you had asked me my religion, I would have said that I was Christian, because that's what was expected of me. I went to various churches, cathedrals, synagogues, and other places of worship with friends and classmates. There were a lot of Jewish kids in my class, so I attended a LOT of bar mitzvahs and bat mitzvahs at that age. As a pre-teen and teen I went to a Baptist summer camp for several weeks each summer. And I learned the church songs; I loved to sing them. But I was there for a getaway and to ride horses and have friends. I did get baptized at that camp, and I did get a better idea of what being Christian meant. But it wasn't an important thing in my life.

And then my daughter was born. And as she grew, so did my relationship with God. I got it, finally. He's my father. He loves me and guides me the way I love and guide my daughter - only better. And I listen about as well as most kids do to their parents, I have to admit. But that parent-child relationship was the foundation of my faith.

A few years later, my Mom was attending a local non-denominational church, and we started going with her. Again, for me it was more about singing in the choir and working in the nursery than it was learning about God. And it was about spending time with other Christians, trying to love each other. And it was about getting my daughter into some activities with some folks that would be better influences. For several years, it was good for us.

I don't attend church now, but that doesn't really matter. My Father and I, we have a relationship. Sometimes I remember to check in with Him a lot, sometimes I forget for a while. Just like with my Mom. But I know that He's watching and that He's there if I need Him.

So what do I believe? I believe my God wants me to be the best person I can be. I should treat other people with love and respect. I should help myself while asking help from Him. I should do no harm, to the best I am able. And when I mess up, I should ask for forgiveness. And when forgiveness is asked of me, I should try to grant it. I should accept happiness in myself, so that people look at me and want to have the kind of faith I have. Pretty much the same things I want for my daughter to be.

I started this off to link other writings about my faith here. Here's one I wrote on Facebook first - Faith as a Parent. A friend expressed surprise that I was Christian when she found out; what she meant was that I'm not 'that kind' of Christian. I have found lately that Tolerance has become a major part of my faith. And following that tolerance issue a step further, we arrive at Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

So what triggered off this particular writing was actually an interview with Bono. Go read it; I think he and I may just worship the same God in a very similar way.

I Wanna' Be Like You [Me]

Because I'm a multiple, and I'm out about being multiple, other people come up to me asking if I think they might be multiple, too. And the short answer is, I can't answer that for you. If you think you might be multiple, I'm going to advise you to see a therapist/counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist/etc. Because I can't tell you if you're multiple. Honestly, they probably can't tell you either, but they can help you figure it out. 

Because there's no way to test for multiplicity. I can't even prove it to myself some days. Maybe I really have just made it up. I just want the attention. I'm trying to make myself be different, special. I can just stop being multiple. And then I switch. Oh yeah, I'm multiple. And my headmates laugh at me. But there's some bite to the laughter, because what if one day, I stop switching and I'm just Me? 

Well, surely I can tell if someone else is multiple if I get to know them, right? I mean, there are three other multiples in my household. And I'm friends with several other multiples. So I can tell the difference, right? Well, no. Because each of us display our multiplicity in different ways. Boss didn't think he was multiple before because his didn't 'act' like my metamour's multiplicity. His system's manner is more like mine. There is no single definitive behavior that 'gives away' someone's multiplicity.

If you tell me you are multiple, that you are certain of this, and that you know your headmates and are dealing with being a multiple and have been dealing with it for some amount of time measured in years, I'm going to simply believe you. You can't fake this for a long period of time. Well, unless there's something else going on in your psyche, which I'm also not qualified to determine. It's too much work to be multiple, and to fake it would be even more work. Especially if you're faking it to yourself.

If you ask me, however, if I think you are multiple, based on one or two events you've experienced, I'm going to say that you probably aren't. Everyone experiences moments of dissociation from time to time. Everyone acts out of character and feels like they can't control it sometimes. And if you're a writer, yes, your characters will take over your mind from time to time. Most people had imaginary friends when they were young, and most people have had some sort of trauma in their lives that could have caused them to split. None of that makes you a multiple.

When you have a solid pattern of all these things happening over and over, and they happen when you're by yourself and when you're around other people, then you have some suspicion. And even then, maybe you have something else going on. Maybe you're depressed or bipolar or just have very poor self-control. Add to these things some memory blackouts that weren't caused by alcohol or drugs. Add in things appearing at your house that you don't remember buying or bringing home. And maybe some friends coming up to you and telling you that you've been... different... at times. Then you can suspect you might be multiple.

And you'll never really prove it for sure to yourself or to anyone else. Because there is no proof. Most multiples that I've talked to have moments of doubting they are multiple, even after dealing with it for years and years. Look back through my blog - does any of this prove I'm multiple? No. Maybe I just have a really thorough imagination. I am an actress, after all. I could be delusional, and I've convinced even myself. I'm a writer, too. Maybe I'm just setting up a story I plan to write. Have I made you doubt me yet?

Here's another point. Most multiples that are seeing a therapist of some sort go through a period where the alters know they're part of a system, and then the therapist knows, but no one tells the primary. Wait, what? No one tells this person who has sought out guidance what it is they are dealing with. That's standard procedure in counseling multiples, folks - don't tell them. Because they have to come to it on their own. Dissociating is a defense mechanism. By 'giving it away', the therapist would be forcibly breaking down those defenses, doing more harm than good.

So if you ask me if I think you are a multiple, I'm going to say no. Because if you are, you have to figure it out for yourself. And if you have to ask me, you probably aren't anyway. You're probably just dealing with stuff. However, if you tell me you are multiple, I am going to accept that at face value. I won't question it, not because I believe you, but because I'll never 100% believe you. If you've just come to this conclusion recently, my level of doubt will be greater than if you've been operating as a multiple for years. But I'll never really know if you truly are a multiple. And you'll never really know if I am.