So I haven't posted much lately. I haven't had anything in particular I wanted to say. But I feel like I'm supposed to apologize to the invisible internet presence or something. Hey, what can I say, I've been busy. Last weekend I went to a convention. It's a convention for kinky folks, and we had a blast. This blog isn't for discussing the con specifically, but I want to put down some of the interactions it created for my system. My jaw hurts from Sam being out so much; I don't realize how wide she holds our mouth until the soreness kicks in. But I know Rubi and Kiara got a lot of 'out' time as well.
<SAM> It was really an ideal weekend for me - lots of people to meet, tease, and play with. I wrote FREE HUGS on my belly and wore clothes that would show it off - and I got lots of random hugging, both from friends and strangers. And got to bite on several hot guys. And received some nibbling as well that was oh-so-sexy. I don't think I was overly bratty to anyone who didn't enjoy it this year. Last year I did overdo it with one friend, and had to apologize to him. Poor stick-in-the-mud fellow. I got the kind of play that really revs my engine, and got to share that scene with someone I like an awful lot. Okay, there wasn't as much sex this weekend as I was hoping, but there was a ton of fun.
<RUBI> Okay, so my scene on the final night of the con was damned hot. There's not many people we trust to handle playing full-out, but I finally got to tangle with one of them. I've so missed him; it's been a few months since we've played. And it didn't hurt that a couple of hot burly guys came over to help out making sure we got all the space we needed. Yeah, nothing wrong with being surrounded by strong good-looking men.
<ME> Kiara doesn't want to write about her time at con, but she did get some fun. I missed several of the events that would have been great for her, though. She didn't even get to color anything. But there was lots of cuddling available. Counselor and I attended together a roundtable on Mental Health & Kink. I guess the only downside I can see from a multi point of view was Jarett. One of the people we rode down with is someone that has been flirting with Jarett a little, and I was hoping he'd be willing to come out and interact with her more, but it just didn't happen.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Watch Out, I Bite (Sam)
Yes, I bite... literally... and frequently. I love to bite, and chew, and nuzzle, and lick. I'm not the only one; M and Rubi and even little Kiara will bite. I guess you could say we have an oral fixation. The mouth is a great sensory intake. When you take someone into your mouth, you receive all kinds of input. The smell of the person you're biting. The taste on your tongue, the consistency of the flesh under your teeth. And many people make the most delicious noises when they're being bitten. And maybe wriggle in your grasp while you're biting. The only sense that's left out is sight. It's a very intense thing to do with someone.
And there are so many different things you can say with a bite. There are playful nips, little quick bites to tease and flirt and to stir the attention of someone you're playing with. Defensive nips say 'ow, watch out'. Nuzzles with light bites let you relish the attention you're sharing with someone. Licks and small bites for teasing. Locking down on a bite can be a challenge, or a response to a challenge. Growling bites say 'this is mine'. Long lingering shoulder bites to make someone melt down into a pool of sensory overload. Hard vicious bites to defend yourself and discourage someone from messing with you again. Gnawing bites to bring comfort and security. Or just a lock to hold onto something while your hands are busy elsewhere. Punishment bites to discourage bad behavior. And sometimes, chewing and sucking bites to leave a mark just because you can.
We've been exploring a much more feral space lately, as a group, and biting helps us get there quickly. We've been feeling out different kinds of animals, and spending time really paying attention to other people that identify as ferals. Several of the Motel folk identify as various types of cats. We also have a hawk, a cow, and several bears. All of whom appeal to me/us, but isn't really a great fit. Then we got to studying coyotes. Pack animals, very similar in behavior to wolves, but more playful and less serious about status and threat. Coyotes like to hang around larger predators like bears and cats, and are more comfortable in urban settings than other animals are. They'll even mingle with domestic dogs or wolves easily.
When we found a feral space that we could slip into, we thought it would be like shifting into another personality - here's the six people, Silent One, and the coyote. But it doesn't work that way. It's closer to the headspace we slide into when taking a beating. Our entire group-mind shifts into a world that has a different feel, a different set of rules. It's kind of like starting up a video game, and you have multiple characters to run - the rules are different in this game-world, but you still have the same group of people running it. When I'm running our beast (and remember this is Sam talking now), I'm a playful beast, nipping and teasing. Kiara curls up small and gnaws to comfort herself. Rubi's mean in animal form too, biting hard. Counselor is still motherly and takes care of the other critters in our pack.
Recently M's daughter started a conversation with her/us about biting people. Turns out she's a biter too. No surprise there, I suppose...
And there are so many different things you can say with a bite. There are playful nips, little quick bites to tease and flirt and to stir the attention of someone you're playing with. Defensive nips say 'ow, watch out'. Nuzzles with light bites let you relish the attention you're sharing with someone. Licks and small bites for teasing. Locking down on a bite can be a challenge, or a response to a challenge. Growling bites say 'this is mine'. Long lingering shoulder bites to make someone melt down into a pool of sensory overload. Hard vicious bites to defend yourself and discourage someone from messing with you again. Gnawing bites to bring comfort and security. Or just a lock to hold onto something while your hands are busy elsewhere. Punishment bites to discourage bad behavior. And sometimes, chewing and sucking bites to leave a mark just because you can.
We've been exploring a much more feral space lately, as a group, and biting helps us get there quickly. We've been feeling out different kinds of animals, and spending time really paying attention to other people that identify as ferals. Several of the Motel folk identify as various types of cats. We also have a hawk, a cow, and several bears. All of whom appeal to me/us, but isn't really a great fit. Then we got to studying coyotes. Pack animals, very similar in behavior to wolves, but more playful and less serious about status and threat. Coyotes like to hang around larger predators like bears and cats, and are more comfortable in urban settings than other animals are. They'll even mingle with domestic dogs or wolves easily.
When we found a feral space that we could slip into, we thought it would be like shifting into another personality - here's the six people, Silent One, and the coyote. But it doesn't work that way. It's closer to the headspace we slide into when taking a beating. Our entire group-mind shifts into a world that has a different feel, a different set of rules. It's kind of like starting up a video game, and you have multiple characters to run - the rules are different in this game-world, but you still have the same group of people running it. When I'm running our beast (and remember this is Sam talking now), I'm a playful beast, nipping and teasing. Kiara curls up small and gnaws to comfort herself. Rubi's mean in animal form too, biting hard. Counselor is still motherly and takes care of the other critters in our pack.
Recently M's daughter started a conversation with her/us about biting people. Turns out she's a biter too. No surprise there, I suppose...
Friday, April 1, 2011
Let's NOT Go To The Movies (Me, Lynn)
So it seems that watching movies may not be the best activity to promote internal peace for me. Earlier this week, I went to the movie theatre, and ended up having a pretty major mental break. Of course, it wasn't just the movie. Background first - a couple of my friends are about to get divorced. It's running fairly amicably, so far. They decided to go to the movie together, for some reason. Her... boyfriend, for lack of a better term, was going too. So when the husband called and invited me, I got the impression he might need someone there as a buffer, so I had to go. Well, I dragged along my boyfriend, and several other people showed up as well.
So there were several factors going into this thing - the tension between the divorcing couple, the tension between her boyfriend and her husband, and several people there that I had never met. Also, I had had a horrible day at work, so I was already feeling a bit tense and unhappy for myself. And I had had to reschedule plans already made for the evening in order to attend, which will often make me grumpy.
Added to that, my boyfriend expressed some concerns about me watching this particular movie. We were going to see Sucker Punch. If you haven't seen it/heard about it, it's got a lot of surreal qualities and abuse themes and it's dark and weird. And partly takes place in a mental institution. Remember my problems watching Dragonfly because it was in a hospital with the surreal feeling? Yeah, much much worse. So he was right; this was not a movie I should have seen.
Getting through the movie was a little twitchy, but not horrible. But when it was over, I just had a mental break. The last things I remember clearly were walking down the hallway at the theatre clutching my coke in front of me like a life preserver, and the clock in my truck reading 9:41, and a feeling like I needed to cry. The next thing I remember really clearly is going to work the next morning.
---
This is Counselor, now, and I'll have to write the remainder of this post for M, as she wasn't participating in the rest of the evening. The movie made us - as a sytem - profoundly uneasy. It was too violent for Kiara, enough sex to attract Sam, enough violence to attract Rubi, girls in sexy outfits that tickled Jarett's attention, and a clinical setting that both interested me and made Silent One twitch. The movie characters seemed to dissociate between one reality and the next rather freely, which triggered our system quite severely.
When we left the theater, M had already made plans to go to a friend's house afterward. So her boyfriend left, and everyone else left, leaving her/us alone in the parking lot. We sat in our vehicle for a while trying to either cry and get it out of our system or recover, but that wasn't happening. So we went driving for a while; taking the longest possible way our friend's house. We went approximately an hour out of our way, and were still quite shaky when we arrived. Sleep was out of the question at that point, so pizza was ordered and a kids' movie was put on. Kiara finally emerged for most of the movie, and through her we were able to eventually sleep.
I am considering putting a hold on all movie-watching for a while, as this makes two movies that have triggered negative episodes lately. However, all that does is push off dealing with the issues. So the alternative is to wach some potentially triggering movies, deliberately setting off any negative associations, with some controls in place. Having a kids' movie handy to watch afterward seems to be a valid mechanism for overwriting the negative experience. I'd like to have at least two people with us that can deal with any alters that emerge, and watch the suspect movies early in the day when there is plenty of time to recover before bedtime.
It has been several days now since the movie, and we're still a bit weepy and on edge. We've not slept well all week, but it's difficult to determine which is cause and which effect. So we'll push through. We'll spend as much time as possible with positive people around us, and ask for some compassionate moments with those people. And we'll stay busy as much as we can. If things go really well, perhaps we can get a good night's sleep - or two nights, even. Then we'll see if our moods even out.
So there were several factors going into this thing - the tension between the divorcing couple, the tension between her boyfriend and her husband, and several people there that I had never met. Also, I had had a horrible day at work, so I was already feeling a bit tense and unhappy for myself. And I had had to reschedule plans already made for the evening in order to attend, which will often make me grumpy.
Added to that, my boyfriend expressed some concerns about me watching this particular movie. We were going to see Sucker Punch. If you haven't seen it/heard about it, it's got a lot of surreal qualities and abuse themes and it's dark and weird. And partly takes place in a mental institution. Remember my problems watching Dragonfly because it was in a hospital with the surreal feeling? Yeah, much much worse. So he was right; this was not a movie I should have seen.
Getting through the movie was a little twitchy, but not horrible. But when it was over, I just had a mental break. The last things I remember clearly were walking down the hallway at the theatre clutching my coke in front of me like a life preserver, and the clock in my truck reading 9:41, and a feeling like I needed to cry. The next thing I remember really clearly is going to work the next morning.
---
This is Counselor, now, and I'll have to write the remainder of this post for M, as she wasn't participating in the rest of the evening. The movie made us - as a sytem - profoundly uneasy. It was too violent for Kiara, enough sex to attract Sam, enough violence to attract Rubi, girls in sexy outfits that tickled Jarett's attention, and a clinical setting that both interested me and made Silent One twitch. The movie characters seemed to dissociate between one reality and the next rather freely, which triggered our system quite severely.
When we left the theater, M had already made plans to go to a friend's house afterward. So her boyfriend left, and everyone else left, leaving her/us alone in the parking lot. We sat in our vehicle for a while trying to either cry and get it out of our system or recover, but that wasn't happening. So we went driving for a while; taking the longest possible way our friend's house. We went approximately an hour out of our way, and were still quite shaky when we arrived. Sleep was out of the question at that point, so pizza was ordered and a kids' movie was put on. Kiara finally emerged for most of the movie, and through her we were able to eventually sleep.
I am considering putting a hold on all movie-watching for a while, as this makes two movies that have triggered negative episodes lately. However, all that does is push off dealing with the issues. So the alternative is to wach some potentially triggering movies, deliberately setting off any negative associations, with some controls in place. Having a kids' movie handy to watch afterward seems to be a valid mechanism for overwriting the negative experience. I'd like to have at least two people with us that can deal with any alters that emerge, and watch the suspect movies early in the day when there is plenty of time to recover before bedtime.
It has been several days now since the movie, and we're still a bit weepy and on edge. We've not slept well all week, but it's difficult to determine which is cause and which effect. So we'll push through. We'll spend as much time as possible with positive people around us, and ask for some compassionate moments with those people. And we'll stay busy as much as we can. If things go really well, perhaps we can get a good night's sleep - or two nights, even. Then we'll see if our moods even out.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Colors and Images (Me)
Someone introduced herself to me by telling me a kid in her life said she was 'pink' and 'good'. And Kiara understood that immediately on a level that I don't think most adults have. And I've been working on a set of descriptors for each of us lately that includes a color that each of us carries around with us. Some people will call that an aura, or a totem color, or whatever. I don't really care what it's called; I've always seen people with a signature color. Sometimes it's because they wear a lot of that color, but sometimes it's just the way I feel around them. And there's often a certain theme image that associates itself with people. Sometimes an animal that person identifies with, other times an image from their career or hobbies. Or just something they like a lot. I have several friends that identify themselves with cats, as example. So here are some colors and images associated with my alters.
I'm Red. I always saw my Mom as Red when I was growing up, and as I've grown up, I've become more and more like her, including taking Red as my color. I have a red truck and prefer to wear my red leather jackets. I like red clothes and jewelry and drink lots of Cokes. My phone is red, my purse is red, my usb drive is red. It's just a color that feels comfortable to me.
Kiara is Blue and Butterflies. Blue is calm and curious. And butterflies are active and pretty and have a short attention span. This is her answer when I ask her why blue and butterflies. And all those things are traits she displays. She has a suitcase for her stuff that's blue with flowers. And she often colors with the blue crayon first.
Sam is Red, like me. We're very similar. She's also Purple. She likes most of the same things I do. She has a lot of energy and prefers to be on the go all the time. She's open and friendly, but also can be very demanding of attention. She loves to laugh, either with or at. And she loves to irritate someone to see how far they can be pushed before they push back. She has a lot of electicity in her personality. And I hope you understand that one, because I'm not sure I can explain it.
Rubi has to be Black, of course. Darkness, anger, pain... all those negative black emotions. Jarett is Brown. He's solid like dirt and wood, he's leather and something simple and solid. And he's an old cowboy hat, useful and comfortable and attractive. Counselor is Lilac and Lace. And her image is a clipboard - for taking notes for the rest of us, of course. And Silent One is the Grey of static on a TV that's not hooked up to anything.
So what's your color? How does that color feel to you?
I'm Red. I always saw my Mom as Red when I was growing up, and as I've grown up, I've become more and more like her, including taking Red as my color. I have a red truck and prefer to wear my red leather jackets. I like red clothes and jewelry and drink lots of Cokes. My phone is red, my purse is red, my usb drive is red. It's just a color that feels comfortable to me.
Kiara is Blue and Butterflies. Blue is calm and curious. And butterflies are active and pretty and have a short attention span. This is her answer when I ask her why blue and butterflies. And all those things are traits she displays. She has a suitcase for her stuff that's blue with flowers. And she often colors with the blue crayon first.
Sam is Red, like me. We're very similar. She's also Purple. She likes most of the same things I do. She has a lot of energy and prefers to be on the go all the time. She's open and friendly, but also can be very demanding of attention. She loves to laugh, either with or at. And she loves to irritate someone to see how far they can be pushed before they push back. She has a lot of electicity in her personality. And I hope you understand that one, because I'm not sure I can explain it.
Rubi has to be Black, of course. Darkness, anger, pain... all those negative black emotions. Jarett is Brown. He's solid like dirt and wood, he's leather and something simple and solid. And he's an old cowboy hat, useful and comfortable and attractive. Counselor is Lilac and Lace. And her image is a clipboard - for taking notes for the rest of us, of course. And Silent One is the Grey of static on a TV that's not hooked up to anything.
So what's your color? How does that color feel to you?
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Abandoned, Drugged, and Exhausted (Me)
I've been sick for the last week. Nothing serious, just feeling really yucky. And it occured to me as I got well that I was running the show alone. None of the alters had come forward to take over much during the whole time I was sick. It would have been nice to share the burden of dealing with it, but no such luck. It was my illness, all mine. Now, granted, that makes sense. If you were an alter, and could choose to either inhabit a sick body and feel bad, or hang out 'backstage', as it were, and just wait for the sick to go away, what would you do? Yeah, no one wants to be sick. But I missed them - I felt abandoned a little bit.
So in the past I've noticed that I seem to need less rest/sleep as a functioning multiple than I used to, and certainly less than my singleton friends seem to need. But while I was sick, I was completely exhausted! Just a simple trip to the store was enough to wipe me out. I wasn't sick enough to make me that tired. My thought is that I've become so used to sharing my time with alters that I'm just not prepared, rest-wise, for a full day in charge. And it wore me out doing 24/7 and being sick as well.
Of course, the drugs I was taking surely didn't help. Drugs sometimes hit multiples in unexpected ways, or so I'm given to understand. Non-narcotic pain pills rarely have any effect at all. The last time I took narcotics, I shifted fully to Kiara and wasn't even coconscious with her. Allergy meds can put me to sleep, or dry me out. Valium-type medications can have a very delayed onset. The only thing that seems to work 'as advertised' (and then some) is Nyquil. It cures every symptom I might be thinking about having and knocks me out for a minimum of eight hours. Usually. Once or twice it's done nothing at all for me. The only thing that seems to be reliable about taking meds is that they ALL raise my blood pressure. So here I was sick and drugging myself appropriately, and sleeping almost the entire time. As far as I know, no one shifted in for the whole weekend. But my memory's still fuzzy thanks to the drugs instead.
Well, yesterday I felt reasonably healthy - a lingering cough and stuffy nose to remember it by. Hey, it's Spring - everyone has a cough and a stuffy nose. And last night, back came the crowd. Minutes from falling asleep, and Kiara bounces into the forefront. She got a snack, bounced on my new bed a little, talked to my boyfriend till he fell asleep... generally just entertained herself. At 2 o'clock in the morning.
So over the weekend I slept literally half of each day. Now I'm back to a sleep deficit. Thanks, little girl.
So in the past I've noticed that I seem to need less rest/sleep as a functioning multiple than I used to, and certainly less than my singleton friends seem to need. But while I was sick, I was completely exhausted! Just a simple trip to the store was enough to wipe me out. I wasn't sick enough to make me that tired. My thought is that I've become so used to sharing my time with alters that I'm just not prepared, rest-wise, for a full day in charge. And it wore me out doing 24/7 and being sick as well.
Of course, the drugs I was taking surely didn't help. Drugs sometimes hit multiples in unexpected ways, or so I'm given to understand. Non-narcotic pain pills rarely have any effect at all. The last time I took narcotics, I shifted fully to Kiara and wasn't even coconscious with her. Allergy meds can put me to sleep, or dry me out. Valium-type medications can have a very delayed onset. The only thing that seems to work 'as advertised' (and then some) is Nyquil. It cures every symptom I might be thinking about having and knocks me out for a minimum of eight hours. Usually. Once or twice it's done nothing at all for me. The only thing that seems to be reliable about taking meds is that they ALL raise my blood pressure. So here I was sick and drugging myself appropriately, and sleeping almost the entire time. As far as I know, no one shifted in for the whole weekend. But my memory's still fuzzy thanks to the drugs instead.
Well, yesterday I felt reasonably healthy - a lingering cough and stuffy nose to remember it by. Hey, it's Spring - everyone has a cough and a stuffy nose. And last night, back came the crowd. Minutes from falling asleep, and Kiara bounces into the forefront. She got a snack, bounced on my new bed a little, talked to my boyfriend till he fell asleep... generally just entertained herself. At 2 o'clock in the morning.
So over the weekend I slept literally half of each day. Now I'm back to a sleep deficit. Thanks, little girl.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Corrupting the Not-So-Innocent (Me)
So this weekend one of my friends (we'll call her B) stayed at the Motel, and events conspired to push her comfort zones in all the right ways. Last night, Kiara shifted to the front, and brought out the crayons and storybooks. I had warned B just an hour or two earlier that it felt likely I'd be shifting around some, so it didn't take her completely off-guard. And since two of the minions were there, and they took it in stride, she did too. She pretty quickly relaxed and ended up coloring as well, though at the other side of the room, not together. Of course, after the rest of the weekend, one little coming out wasn't that big a deal for her.
Now, B's not vanilla - she's as kinky as the rest of us. But she's stated very firmly that she just doesn't get being poly, even at the dating relationship level. As it happens, both of the minions at the house at the time are guys I am in a relationship with. And this is where the poly comes in - both the guys know I'm with the other, and both are happy with the situation. It's not polyamory in the sense that we have any permanent relationships; none of us are likely to marry or anything. But it is close enough to poly for someone that doesn't get poly.
So Me, B, and the two fellas were all hanging out, and my boyfriend started putting some moves on B. Okay, we're all cuddly folks, she's an attractive lady, we were having a good time. And so she found herself cuddled up with my boyfriend. Occasionally glancing my way to see if I minded. Of course I didn't. In fact, I was curled up with my other guy at the time, anyway. So eventually, it was bedtime for me, and away I went. When I got to my room, I texted her that she was welcome to 'borrow' the boyfriend for the night, but to send one of the guys in to me eventually.
I think that one threw her. I would be happy with either guy in my bed. She had hit it off with the boyfriend. Why shouldn't all four of us have an enjoyable night snuggled up with a willing partner? I was happy that my boyfriend and my friend were enjoying each others' company, and I got to snuggle with someone I cared about too.The way I see it, it was a win all around.
But the next day, when she started telling me how great the sex was, I did have to laugh at her. "Wait," I said. "Is this the same woman that told me yesterday she couldn't handle poly relationships and didn't get them?" So now she's got some thinking to do. Exploring how she feels about this particular set-up and poly in general. Hey B, look up the word 'compersion' and think upon the results - I think you might find it interesting.
Now, B's not vanilla - she's as kinky as the rest of us. But she's stated very firmly that she just doesn't get being poly, even at the dating relationship level. As it happens, both of the minions at the house at the time are guys I am in a relationship with. And this is where the poly comes in - both the guys know I'm with the other, and both are happy with the situation. It's not polyamory in the sense that we have any permanent relationships; none of us are likely to marry or anything. But it is close enough to poly for someone that doesn't get poly.
So Me, B, and the two fellas were all hanging out, and my boyfriend started putting some moves on B. Okay, we're all cuddly folks, she's an attractive lady, we were having a good time. And so she found herself cuddled up with my boyfriend. Occasionally glancing my way to see if I minded. Of course I didn't. In fact, I was curled up with my other guy at the time, anyway. So eventually, it was bedtime for me, and away I went. When I got to my room, I texted her that she was welcome to 'borrow' the boyfriend for the night, but to send one of the guys in to me eventually.
I think that one threw her. I would be happy with either guy in my bed. She had hit it off with the boyfriend. Why shouldn't all four of us have an enjoyable night snuggled up with a willing partner? I was happy that my boyfriend and my friend were enjoying each others' company, and I got to snuggle with someone I cared about too.The way I see it, it was a win all around.
But the next day, when she started telling me how great the sex was, I did have to laugh at her. "Wait," I said. "Is this the same woman that told me yesterday she couldn't handle poly relationships and didn't get them?" So now she's got some thinking to do. Exploring how she feels about this particular set-up and poly in general. Hey B, look up the word 'compersion' and think upon the results - I think you might find it interesting.
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