Healthy Maintenance and Good Stuff [Me]

Despite the heavy emotional shakeup lately, there have been some really good things happening. Some even because of it.

I've been teaching a 'Welcome to the Dungeon' class for a couple of years now. It's expanded into the Dungeon 101 class , a Kink 101 class for people curious about their kinky friend's lifestyle, and a Pro 101 for Healthcare Providers that are dealing with kinky folks. And that whole thing is really growing and spreading. I had my first out-of-state presentation last weekend, for example. This is really exciting and fulfilling.

Boss and Paul are still growing and redefining their relationship. Boss sends him gay porn, which he watches with gusto, and then gets all excited wanting to try the stuff he sees. The boy is staying older most of the time, and has a serious case of 'the crush' on Boss. It's a good thing; I enjoy watching them do stuff together.

We've opened our poly family up just a bit. I've talked about MK from time to time over the last couple of years. I've generally referred to him as 'a friend' or 'one of my guys' or as my roommate. He's always been more than that to me, though. He holds a pretty special place for me, and for Kiara. Not as much for anyone else. But in light of the whole condom discussion, his relationship to me - and to the rest of our family - was brought up and examined. And both Boss and the Metamour confirmed what I felt all along, that he is definitely regarded as part of our family. And since we were willing to tell him so, he's been willing to open up a little more to us, to me, too. He's been spending a night or two a week with me, either at our place or at his. And he's interacting a lot more with both Boss and Metamour as well, and that's just great stuff.

And while doing relationship maintenance post-incident, I did go ahead and send Bear a message that I would like to cuddle with him - mostly Kiara would like to - if the opportunity came up and he wished to invite us to do so. He never answered, but we'll see what happens next time the opportunity is there.

In talking with Bear and Boss and MK and other people over the last year or so, I have come to the conclusion that my feelings aren't as obvious to people that I care about as I think they are. If you remember the dom that harshly dumped me a while before I started this blog. One thing he had said later indicated that, at the time, he thought he was just another play partner to me, whereas I was having some serious feelings for him. Bear at one point said something similar. Even though I was deeply emotionally his, he really thought I felt like he was just one of many play partners I had. So I need to make it more obvious. Boss and I talk all the time about how we're feeling. So I think he understands just how deeply I feel about him. But I had not discussed it with MK before, so I did that recently. And that's part of what got him to open up a lot to me, and he feels more strongly than I had dared hope. And that's part of what led to him being much more actively involved in our family, as I mentioned before. So my lesson here is to talk about how strongly I feel for someone, or risk them underestimating my feelings.

Fallout [Me]

A couple of weeks ago, we had an incident that pretty much shut us down for wanting to write for a while. I wasn't planning to even mention it here on this blog, except that it is coloring a lot of other things for me. And Boss mentioned it on his blog, so I guess it's 'free domain' to speak about. If not, he'll tell me, and I'll remove this post.

We were visiting some friends. So we talked about the fact that we might swap up and have sex with them; that was all cool - exciting and fun, even. Until Boss had sex with her. Later, I asked Boss, just to confirm, about using condoms. And they didn't use a condom. And after he talked to her, he wasn't convinced that she's aware of her STD status and exposure. Which, knowing her typical choices, I'm not surprised. Which means I have to assume Boss has had exposure to something. Which means we're using condoms.

Upon finding this out, I lost my shit. I was suddenly feeling furious and betrayed and left out. Mostly betrayed. We've agreed that it's okay for us to have sex outside our relationship. But condoms have to be part of that, unless we've agreed to skip them. So I was really furious. I don't think I've ever been really angry with him before, and it took him by surprise how intensely I felt. Heck, it took me by surprise how intensely I felt.

Now, for me, that's not a gigantic deal. Stopping to put on a condom is just a momentary thing, and if I can absolutely trust that he will stop to do so, then I have no more worries. But for him, it has turned into a pretty gigantic deal. First, my anger and sense of betrayal, and his shock at getting hit with them, really crippled our relationship for a few days. He's facing a lot of guilt for stepping outside of our agreement, especially in the face of me being so angry about it. And I didn't try to soften it. I knew my anger at him needed to really be painful to him, to keep this from happening again.

Second, having to wear a condom really bangs into his sexual confidence. Boss's primary, in particular, is pretty bad about thinking with his penis first. Which means he'll forget that step of stopping for a condom if I don't pay attention and, when necessary, remind him. Except part of our dynamic is that I don't normally hold that little bit of control, and I give myself to him completely. So I feel like I'm holding back on him, and that's disappointing.

But his guilt and the bruise on his confidence have turned into some sexually submissive behavior from him. He has an alter that has always bent that direction, but we haven't been able to play with each other compatibly. But we're exploring that, to see it we can work it out. I'm really struggling with taking on the role of the dominant partner in sex. I can play the role, but I'm not feeling it.

The obvious solution is to have Rubi take over that role. But there are problems there, too. First, I've been a bit under-the-weather, health-wise, and haven't been switching much. I'm finally getting over that, so it may improve soon. Second, our relationship has been heavily grounded in him being in control, even over Rubi or any other strong-willed alter. He has to be in control of every one of us for him to keep all of us. It's hard to release that condition, even temporarily. And Third, it just isn't a comfortable role for us, to be actively dominant, sexually. But we're trying to at least create that 'acting role' to take on.

Boss has always been great about trying to take on compatible roles for what we need; now it's our turn. But it's not easy. Especially with a side of guilt hanging on for the ride.

Happy Birthday! [Me]

That's right. Today is the two-year anniversary of this blog. So we get statistics and summaries. I love these. If you don't, feel free to skip on over this post; but it's all you're getting for today.

My very first post here was on 2/8/2011, and I've posted a total of 186 posts over those two years (this will be #187). On 2/10/12, I posted about my first anniversary - that was post #86. So I've done a hundred this year. At that time I had seven registered followers, and now I have twelve.

In the last year, I've added four more pages to the blog (those tabs at the top), and I now have four blogs I'm keeping up. This one, one with stories about my daughter, one with quotes I've collected, and one with my fiction writing. This is the one that I come back to the most. The one I share myself with. 

I have nine alters now - Me, Kiara, Sam, Rubi, Silent One, Paul, Cherish, Stephanie, Gracelyn.

A year ago I had ten - Me, Kiara, Sam, Rubi, Jarett, Lynn, Grace, Cherish, Paul, Silent One.

Two years ago I had seven - Me, Kiara, Sam, Rubi, Counselor, Jarett, Silent One.

So we've had new ones appear, others merge and change, and even one retire to 'storage'.

I've gone through relationships, notably ending things with Bear and starting up things with Boss and that growing until a serious relationship with him and my metamour. I've come out to my daughter as kinky and poly and multiple. She's been very supportive, and is getting to know several of us. 

I've talked about being multiple, but also about being polyamorous, and being kinky. Also about being a parent, a child, an employee, a girlfriend... and a boyfriend. We've really gotten to know ourselves better by writing here.

And hopefully, my readers have gotten something valuable, as well. I have been frustrated in getting to know my readers. You're shy, as a whole. I've tried a questionairre, and I've tried soliciting comments. I know my daughter and the Boss both read. The rest, well, who knows?

Turns out, Blogger knows some things about my readers. The blog's Overview page shows 13 followers, actually, two of whom are accounts for Boss, and two more of whom I recognize as friends from my kink circle. I've got over fifty comments, about half of which are me updating something. But there are at least 15 different people that have commented, especially 'Anonymous'. 

And then I get to look at the Stats page. Over 6000 pageviews for all time. It grew slowly for the first year, then jumped up. And I know why - Boss checks my blog more days than not to see what I'm thinking about. And that's when he and I got really serious. 

Now, 4000 of those pageviews came from within the United States. It's the other ones that get really interesting. 800 from Russia, and over 500 from the U.K. and Germany. Canada, Australia, France. And then Ukraine, Spain, and Brazil. There are people in the Ukraine reading about my multiplicity - 31 pageviews over two years!

Then it gets into how they found me and what they looked at. Yes, Big Brother Blogger is watching. The most referrals I've gotten from other URLS have come from CandyCan's blog, where I comment every now and then. ThirdOfALifetime is another major referring site, after Google Search (of course), and from my own blogsite (as people click from one page to another).

Some of the Google searches that brought them to me... The biggest are IDIC and the spelled out version of such. Bet those people were surprised to end up on a multiplicity blog. Then we have 'mpd jokes', a few other multiple terms, and several that indicate they were looking for this blog specifically (like 'Meronym's blog'). 

And with those search terms, it's not surprising that my IDIC post has the most hits. Other popular ones are the one announcing my collaring, and the most recent popular one, that little system meeting that I transcribed. Also not a surprise, that tab/page up there with the list of alters is the most-hit page. Glad I made that one.

Okay, that's what Blogger tells me about myself and about my readers. So let the cake be served! Happy Birthday!

What's-yer-name [Me]

My recent posts have been rather darker in tone. And that's not because I've been in a bad spot in my life, but rather because things are going so well, and that gives me the security to explore the 'bad stuff'. So congrats for slogging through the dark bits, and I'll be more lighthearted today.

I think many people have had the experience, especially as kids, of having a relative or teacher  mix their name up with other kids' names. In my family, my two (male) cousins and I spent so much time together that my Granny just called us all by one mashed up name, MartyChrisBrad. Even today, she'll call me by my mother's name, or my daughter's. And she's not the only one.

It happens within the system, or systems, too. Remember, there are three multiples our house. You've met mine through this blog, including Stephanie. Boss has several as well, including Rachel and Sarah. And my metamour has several, including Fern. These are the pertinent folks for this story.

Honestly, I can't remember what the subject was that we were talking about, but just off-handedly, he suggested that something might interest Stephanie. And I froze for a minute. Who is this Stephanie he was talking about? First I pictured Rachel, then Sarah, or at least the mental visual I have for them. I couldn't think of a Stephanie in his system. Then it occurred to me - Oh, she lives in my head, not his. Then I made the connection, and went on with the conversation.

But it was weird, having no connection to that name when it was spoken. At least for a moment. Usually, if I'm talking to someone and they mention Kiara, she 'perks up' her attention and listens to the conversation to see if she should come out or not. Or at least, I will give her a 'mental nudge' to pay attention. But it was like Stephanie didn't even live in there, at that moment.

I told Boss about it, and he laughed. Because just a little while after that, we were snuggling up, and he almost asked me if Fern could come out front to snuggle with him. That would be pretty hard, considering she lived in the head of my metamour, and she wasn't even in the room...