Bookmark Events for Paul [Me, Gracelyn]

Paul found a new memory last night, of his eleventh birthday. Gracelyn and I have talked a few times about Paul, wondering why he manifests at the ages he does. He can be five, eight, eleven, or fourteen, but no ages in between. Many alters stuck at a certain age are held there by a 'bookmark event', some event that makes the mind mark it as important, an event after which things changed.

Much of Paul's history is recorded on his own page. But it's all out of order, so I'll summarize here. It's not a pretty story, and takes place in another world, perhaps an alternate timeline? Please consider this a trigger warning, and don't read further if child abuse is going to upset you too much.

• At age five, Paul is 'Baby Paul'. His mother 'rents' him out to a variety of men for sexual play for money or drugs, and he gets an ice cream as a reward. He's a solemn child, and his speech development is far behind. He sucks his thumb.
• At eight years old, Paul now has a baby brother who is three. His mother is hooked up with someone Paul calls 'Uncle', who has made his mom get off the drugs. Uncle molests him regularly, but not violently.
• Age eleven, and Paul has struck a deal with Uncle to cooperate in return for his brother being left alone. He's going to school regularly. He's explained that he gets fed two meals a day at school, so he likes going.
• At fourteen, Paul is only attending school irregularly. Uncle has gone away for good, so home life is better. But he skips school now that he's learned how to get money by sneaking in the back of a local bar and blowing men for cash. His plans for the future are to get a job when he's sixteen and drop out of school.

I understand that there are children in this real world that live this kind of life. I don't have any direct experience with this sort of thing, though. So it's very disturbing to me that this 'memory set' exists in my head. I grew up pretty privileged and well-loved, and should not have this kind of thing to remember.

But the point of this post was to write about bookmark events. So. Why 5, 8, 11, and 14? There has been some discussion - speculation - that perhaps something happened at each of those ages to 'set' them as a point to return to, kind of like a 'save point' in a video game.

My guess would be that age five is when the regular prostitution of the little boy began. He remembers his mother telling the men he was six, as if that made a difference. So perhaps when he could 'pass' for six is when she decided it was okay to do this to him? Similarly, I would expect that age eight is when Uncle entered the picture, and age fourteen is when he exited. At each point, the type of abuse the boy suffered changed.

And last night we found out about what happened when Paul turned eleven. The memory surfaced, and he relived it there in bed last night. After, he quietly spoke into the darkness, knowing that Boss was listening. Some of the following he said aloud, some only to himself. A few bits I'm hearing him remember now as I write:

"On my eleventh birthday, I ran away from home. When it got to be nighttime, I asked around, and some homeless guy - homeless like me, now - told me there was a shelter I could sleep at, but I had to be twelve to get in as an adult, or have a parent with me to get in the family shelter. So I lied and told 'em I was twelve. I got a meal and a shower, then they told me to pick an empty cot in a big room like the gym at school. There were a bunch of men and boys there. I laid down and went to sleep.
Sometime during the night, I heard someone come up near me. I could smell cigarette smoke on him, and then he started rubbing his hand on me; it was bony and cold. He grabbed at my penis a couple of times; I rolled over to keep him from getting to it. Then he started kissing on the back of my neck and whispering stuff at me. I couldn't really tell what he was saying, but the kisses were slobbery and messy. I just stayed real still. After a few minutes, he went away. The next morning, I went home."

I presume that when he went home, that's when Paul made his agreement with Uncle that he could molest him, as long as he left the little brother alone, and Paul wouldn't fight him or tell anyone about it. He's nodding at me, inside. So a bookmark was created, and now Paul goes back to being eleven, when he remembers that the abuse at home is at least not too bad and can be endured.