Reducing Angst in the Teenage Boy [Me]

Let's talk about Paul again. The last time I wrote about him, he was struggling a lot, and practicing how to switch in and out. He had gotten stuck out and unhappy a couple of times just after our collaring. He's become a lot more happy since then, and is starting to adjust.

We've acquired a lot of Legos for Paul, and playing with them seems to soothe the turmoil he's felt from the beginning. He really likes to come out when we're alone for a while. Which works out nicely for those of us that hate being alone. He does more sorting of the blocks than actual building with them. But if that makes him happy, then that's all good, right?

He's also faced his social anxiety and gotten a handle on it, I think. After the panic attack at the club, he's been banned from the place, at least for now. But the club is one of the places that's really 'safe' for any alter to come out and be who they are. Add to that his uneasiness with how he feels about sex and gender and sexuality, and he really needs some time to be out around people who accept him as a pre-teen boy, regardless of what body he's in. So we've asked him to be out - or he's asked to be out - at a few things. I went to dinner a few nights with the Boss and a group of friends - most of whom are gay (and happily so), and Paul was invited to front for those. And these folks are completely accepting and encouraging. They asked him about himself and talked to him like he isn't me. And he needed that.

Since that worked out so well, Paul asked the Boss if they could go to the local Queer Munch. They did, and he was out the whole time. He had a lot of conversation with other people there and was actually quite social. The most interesting part of that night, from my perspective, was watching when Paul went off to the bathroom. He actually stood in front of the two bathroom doors for a moment trying to figure out which one to use. It wasn't a calculated decision - he actually wasn't sure which way was right for a moment; the ingrained choice wasn't there. After that night, I went and bought some pants for Paul so that he'll have 'boy clothes' to wear instead of having to make do with mine.

Then, when my daughter was in town, she wanted to take me to the local kids' science museum for Mother's Day. Hey, we're okay with being weird - it sounded like fun. As we were arriving, I let her know that I expected one or both kids to show up while we were there; honestly, I figured Kiara would be out all day. She replied that she expected it and would be fine with that. So we were both only a little surprised when Paul took firm control of the front, and had a blast hanging out with her all day long. He decided that she's pretty okay, for a girl.

And last, and probably the most interesting and important, Paul has started age-sliding. Most of the time he's an eleven-year-old pre-teen. But in certain situations, we are suddenly very aware that he is fourteen, not eleven. It's interested to feel the difference. We can almost feel his legs lengthen as he gets taller mentally, and his voice drops. He has more confidence and less fear. It's not the same feeling as having two alters, the change between them is definitely more fluid and elastic; they are two 'modes' of the same alter, much the same way as Silent One can be active or inactive. I like the sweet younger Paul, but the older Paul is pretty interesting, too.