Willing to Talk [Me]

I've posted several times about breaking up with the Bear in the last few weeks. One month after I told him I had to be done, I sent him an email. One that, in retrospect, was obviously written by Sam; she has a style:

I feel like I owe you an explanation, but I don't know if you want it.I want to talk to you, to pour myself out, but not if you don't want me to.Do you understand why I had to break off? Does it matter? Am I hurting you by bringing it up or do you have curiosity to be satisfied?Should we talk or should I leave you alone?Can we be friends again?

That was a couple of weeks ago. Today, he answered. Very briefly, just saying he is willing to talk. I don't know what to say to him. I sent back a brief reply. I don't want to pour my heart out over pages in response to a single sentence. I'm restraining the need to do so. And that's one reason why I had to be done. There are so many ways to interpret his response, all very emotional.

What am I hoping for here? I guess I hope that he'll contact me and maybe chat with me on IM, maybe even a phone call. I hate settling stuff like that over the phone - only one of us at a time can really be on a phone call, but all of us can participate in an IM, for some reason. 

New Job [Me]

You'll never guess what I've been doing in the last couple of weeks since I posted. Okay, most of my readers will, because they've seen me comment on it elsewhere. I started a new job! This is huge for me, because changing jobs is not something I do frequently. My last two jobs covered fifteen years - six for one, and nine-and-a-half for the other.

And I wasn't really looking for a job when I got this one. A friend of mine said, "Hey, send me a resume, would you?", so I did. Then I got a call asking if I could talk on the phone to his boss. Then I got a call to come in for an interview - a two-and-a-half-hour interview! Then, a job offer, and a 'Can you start in two weeks?' So I suddenly had to say goodbye to the people I'd seen every day for nearly ten years.

After all, I was never going anywhere with the old job. I had been sitting at the same desk doing the same job for over nine years; there wasn't any reason to think that might change in the next nine. My relationship with my boss was based on tolerating one another; she wasn't interested in helping me get higher, but I was too good at the job to try to get rid of. The pay, while a little shy of competitive when I landed the job, didn't even keep up with cost of living when it came to raises; this late in the game it was obvious I was not making a decent amount of money ever without a job change.

There are things that terrify me about changing jobs. Mostly and Number One, though, it's the annoyance of not having a clue what I'm doing. I have a pretty strong drive related to competence. I like to be the one that always knows what she's doing. Even if I mess up, it's because I was simply doing too much, or at least I know enough to fix the mistake. People ask me for help, not the other way around. So now I'm completely useless in this new job, so far. I have to learn everything. And I'm not being at all productive when it comes to getting anything done. I can't answer the phone - I don't know how to get the calls to come to my phone anyway - because I don't know the answer to any possible question someone might ask me. Okay, I could transfer them to another extension, if they ask for that one - that I have figured out.

So now it's like being in school again, except more self-guided. I'm waiting for a new training class to start, so in the meantime I'm just trying to educate myself mostly, with occasional hints and guidance from my lead. I'm getting to know the people at the new office. I'm getting login information on all the new systems. And I'm doing lots of websurfing. You'd think I'd be doing more blogging, but I've been struggling with feeling like it. However, here I am.

There are some neat things about the new job, aside from a lot better pay. Free sodas and lots of company-provided food. I'm not in a warren of cubicles any more; I'm seeing sunlight and weather and peoples' faces a lot more. There are all kinds of places to eat pretty close. I'm getting to carpool to and from work with the Boss; that's pretty nice. And I have Saturdays off instead of Mondays - that one's a mixed blessing. Another mixed one is that I'm working 9-6 instead of 7-4. So my evenings are pretty much about getting supper and then it's time for bed. But I'm getting to sleep in a little bit later, which is nice.

So once I start actually working for the nice heftier paychecks, we'll see how good I can be at the job. For now, I'm enjoying just coasting along in a new environment.

Meltdown Hangover [Me]

I had a complete meltdown last night; I'm still not sure what happened or why.

What happened yesterday evening: We went to the store, came home and put up groceries. I did some laundry while the Boss made supper. We all ate, I did some reading, and then he came to bed. We had some sort of argument over a lamp, and then I fell apart. Eventually, he got me back to myself, we had sex, and went to sleep.

What I remember: We went to the store. Then I was stuck in some sort of mental loop that had me spinning and switching. Trying to get control of it was like trying to hold onto an armful of wet sand. The Boss tried to just quietly hold me, but the quieter he got, the deeper I sank into my head, into the confusion. I switched and switched and switched. Finally, he managed to keep touching me, keeping my attention outside and on him, instead of inside. 


I woke up this morning on his side of the bed with the sheet pulled off the mattress. I had a grandaddy of a headache, and feel pretty yucky. I've got a meltdown hangover. And a chunk of memory loss to go with it. I hate this feeling. I hate having lost time. I hate arguing with someone I love. 


Worse, because of the lost time, I don't know what really triggered the issue. He said it was just a little argument over the lamp. That doesn't seem like sufficient to have an issue over. I was fine at the store. But what happened between the two? Did something come up he doesn't know about? I can't really believe that arguing over a lamp was the only thing that happened, but I don't have a way to access what else may have been going on.

Reducing Angst in the Teenage Boy [Me]

Let's talk about Paul again. The last time I wrote about him, he was struggling a lot, and practicing how to switch in and out. He had gotten stuck out and unhappy a couple of times just after our collaring. He's become a lot more happy since then, and is starting to adjust.

We've acquired a lot of Legos for Paul, and playing with them seems to soothe the turmoil he's felt from the beginning. He really likes to come out when we're alone for a while. Which works out nicely for those of us that hate being alone. He does more sorting of the blocks than actual building with them. But if that makes him happy, then that's all good, right?

He's also faced his social anxiety and gotten a handle on it, I think. After the panic attack at the club, he's been banned from the place, at least for now. But the club is one of the places that's really 'safe' for any alter to come out and be who they are. Add to that his uneasiness with how he feels about sex and gender and sexuality, and he really needs some time to be out around people who accept him as a pre-teen boy, regardless of what body he's in. So we've asked him to be out - or he's asked to be out - at a few things. I went to dinner a few nights with the Boss and a group of friends - most of whom are gay (and happily so), and Paul was invited to front for those. And these folks are completely accepting and encouraging. They asked him about himself and talked to him like he isn't me. And he needed that.

Since that worked out so well, Paul asked the Boss if they could go to the local Queer Munch. They did, and he was out the whole time. He had a lot of conversation with other people there and was actually quite social. The most interesting part of that night, from my perspective, was watching when Paul went off to the bathroom. He actually stood in front of the two bathroom doors for a moment trying to figure out which one to use. It wasn't a calculated decision - he actually wasn't sure which way was right for a moment; the ingrained choice wasn't there. After that night, I went and bought some pants for Paul so that he'll have 'boy clothes' to wear instead of having to make do with mine.

Then, when my daughter was in town, she wanted to take me to the local kids' science museum for Mother's Day. Hey, we're okay with being weird - it sounded like fun. As we were arriving, I let her know that I expected one or both kids to show up while we were there; honestly, I figured Kiara would be out all day. She replied that she expected it and would be fine with that. So we were both only a little surprised when Paul took firm control of the front, and had a blast hanging out with her all day long. He decided that she's pretty okay, for a girl.

And last, and probably the most interesting and important, Paul has started age-sliding. Most of the time he's an eleven-year-old pre-teen. But in certain situations, we are suddenly very aware that he is fourteen, not eleven. It's interested to feel the difference. We can almost feel his legs lengthen as he gets taller mentally, and his voice drops. He has more confidence and less fear. It's not the same feeling as having two alters, the change between them is definitely more fluid and elastic; they are two 'modes' of the same alter, much the same way as Silent One can be active or inactive. I like the sweet younger Paul, but the older Paul is pretty interesting, too.

I Quit! [Me]

Forgive me, Blogger, for I have lapsed... It's been two weeks since my last posting...

Augh. I don't want to be one of those people who start every post with an apology for not writing in such a long time. After all, there's no set schedule for this sort of thing. And although I have readers (thank you), this is really for me, for us. So who am I apologizing to?

Anyway, it has been an eventful couple of weeks. The main thing going on? I got an offer for a new job, and accepted it. This has created a lot of turmoil for me. Not bad turmoil, but lots of busy-thinking and things to do. 

In fifteen years, I've only had two 'real' jobs. I've had the odd extra job here and there, like some teaching and the haunted house, but only two full-time ongoing jobs. The first, I searched down and got when I was looking for something to serve as an internship for my management degree. I managed a repair shop for six years. When I was close to graduating with my networking degree, my boss there managed to find a great person to replace me who was available right then, so he pushed me out of the nest (thank, Dad) to go on unemployment while I doubled up my classes and got done. That gave me a new job search - and my school helped with that, and ended up giving me the lead for the job I'm in now. I got that job, and I've been here for nine and a half years. And without an outside impetus, I wasn't really looking to change that.

And then a friend asked me for a resume, just to see if I fit for a job coming up at his place. I put it off, but I finally got my info together and updated my information and sent it to him. Next thing I know, I have an offer. And it's a good one. I really couldn't come up with any good reason not to take it.

Notice I said there were no good reasons. I had reasons, but they were all whiny ones that I certainly wouldn't accept from anyone else. The commute is going to be much more of a pain. Instead of working around the corner from the house (less than five miles), I'll be crossing town during rush hour - just like everyone else. Where I'm at is safe and secure - and boring and going nowhere. I hate learning an entire new job and feeling like I don't have a clue - and I'll get over that as I learn.

And there are plenty of good reasons to take the new job. The money's a lot better - with the potential of actual raises and stuff in the future. Heck, there might even be possibilities of promotions and stuff. Did I mention that I'm doing the same job and sitting in the same cubicle now that I was in nine-and-a-half years ago? I really like the ideals behind the product that I'll be supporting - it's a good thing. I'll still be doing tech support, but my clients will be much better-educated folks. The hours will be better - I might start sleeping a bit more, and I'll have Saturdays off.

So anyway, I took the job. And today marks the first of my last five days at the old job. I've been packing up my stuff, saying my goodbyes, and finishing up everything I can so I don't leave a lot of work for other people to pick up. I'm going to have four days off - a long weekend mini-vacation - before starting the new job.

So there are things going on with us, multi-wise, but I really just haven't had a lot of time to talk about them. Trust me, I will, soon.

Blogging Is My Therapy...