Looks like the personality matrix has gone through a remix again. I've put off admitting it, even to myself. Because writing it down makes it more true. But I haven't seen several alters in a long time, and we have been seeing a new one. It's time to admit it, I guess.
Me, Sam, and Rubi are still the 'Big Girls'.
Kiara and Paul are still the kids in the group.
Paul has settled with ages 3,9, and 15 pretty well.
I haven't seen Cherish or Stephanie in months.
I've quit hearing Gracelyn even inside, even when I ask for her, look for her.
I don't think they're coming back. I'm putting up their nametags, into their 'personal effects' boxes. If they return, then I'll bring the nametags back out. But like Jarett, I feel like they may be so far inside they won't return.
Silent One isn't there either. There have been situations where it should have come out, when I was hurting terribly and trying desperately to absent myself, and it just didn't come out. It surprised me. My last resort is gone. But there is the 'closet person' who has been coming out more. When everything gets loud and overwhelming, I've been wanting to just retreat into a small space. And on the occasion I can actually do so, it feels very calming and peaceful. I can lose the upset as long as I'm in that small space.
I talked about that one in this post before. It's time to name that one so I can refer to her. I'd like to reuse Gracelyn's nametag, which has GL on it. The flower on the tag feels right for the newer alter. So I do baby name searches, and I get:
Glayd, Glaide - meadow
Glaine, Glayn, Glayne - jewel
Glenys, Glinys - holy, fair one
Outside the name searches, I find a few other words that have some feeling about them that works:
Glass, Glance, Gleam, Glow
It's hard to match a name to an alter that doesn't just announce who they are. But I can 'see' her 'aura' brighten with the amount of pleasure she takes in each, as I focus inside. Again, English is inadequate here. Glass seems to please her the most. And once I wrote that sentence, she 'turned' and went further inside. I guess that's the answer then. Her name is Glass.
Goodbye, Cherish, Stephanie, and Gracelyn. Hello, Glass.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Fighting Continues [Me]
There have been so many stresses lately. If I'm not fighting with boyfriend, I'm fighting with the other. Oddly enough, I almost never fight with the Metamour, even though she's technically the prickliest person in the house. Probably because I'm not having sex with her. She and I don't have any claims on one another's time, so we hang out when we're together, and we're fine when we aren't. Easiest relationship.
I wish my relationship with either Boss or MK were more like that. Easy, I mean. Spending time together when it works. Loving each other from afar when it doesn't. But in order to be 'fair' to everyone, we schedule time. And nobody likes the schedule. Boss doesn't want me away from him when I'm scheduled to be with MK. MK wants more time with me somewhere. I feel like I don't have any time to myself except when I sneak it away from someone else. Nobody's happy.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Who bought it? [Me]
I came home tonight to a new fun thing I had bought. Or apparently bought. I got a receipt in my email for it a couple of days ago, and an email shipping notice. And it was charged to my card. The problem? I don't remember buying it.
Don't get me wrong, it's something I want; it was on my wishlist. But I don't remember making the decision to buy it. Which means either I bought it and lost that time retroactively, or someone else in my head bought it. The second is more likely, and that is Not Cool. Because no one is supposed to spend money without the okay from me. That's a way to get us all in some financial trouble, so the rule is that I control the money for us.
I looked at the date it was bought, and I was really messed up that day. It was the day after Thanksgiving; I had spent a lot more time at home than usual, which is not good for my state of mind; I've been having a lot of relationship issues with MK, in that we're pretty much just ignoring each other right now; I've been very switchy while finishing the book I blogged about last. So I could easily have okay'd the purchase and not remembered, or have made the purchase and lost the time. Or someone else came up front enough to buy something and didn't make me aware of it. These are all feasible scenarios.
If I knew who bought it, we'd have a discussion about it, and possibly send it back. But I can't get mad at someone else for buying it unless I know if it was someone else, and if so, who. And it is something I've wanted. So I'm keeping it. But I'll be watching more carefully to try to keep this from happening more.
Don't get me wrong, it's something I want; it was on my wishlist. But I don't remember making the decision to buy it. Which means either I bought it and lost that time retroactively, or someone else in my head bought it. The second is more likely, and that is Not Cool. Because no one is supposed to spend money without the okay from me. That's a way to get us all in some financial trouble, so the rule is that I control the money for us.
I looked at the date it was bought, and I was really messed up that day. It was the day after Thanksgiving; I had spent a lot more time at home than usual, which is not good for my state of mind; I've been having a lot of relationship issues with MK, in that we're pretty much just ignoring each other right now; I've been very switchy while finishing the book I blogged about last. So I could easily have okay'd the purchase and not remembered, or have made the purchase and lost the time. Or someone else came up front enough to buy something and didn't make me aware of it. These are all feasible scenarios.
If I knew who bought it, we'd have a discussion about it, and possibly send it back. But I can't get mad at someone else for buying it unless I know if it was someone else, and if so, who. And it is something I've wanted. So I'm keeping it. But I'll be watching more carefully to try to keep this from happening more.
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