I thought of something the other day that apparently had not occurred to me since I started exploring this multiplicity thing.
When I was in eighth and ninth grade, a pretty uncomfortable time for me, I had an entire fantasy world in which I had a boyfriend (Brendan), a group of friends, and some hobbies and behavior patterns that had no basis in my reality, but was incredibly real to me. I knew so many details about this other life in my head, and I realized at the time that there was a strange disconnect between the two. But I couldn't figure out how to reconcile the experience. I mean, I knew these people and this social group as well or better than the people with whom I went to school and spent social time. And I knew that these two different 'me' people did not exist in the same reality. I did not physical own the clothes that I knew I wore in this other reality. The 'other reality me' played chess well; this me was only vaguely able to complete a game. But knowing that these two things didn't fit, I couldn't just dismiss the other as unreal; it was very real to me, and that's what was so disturbing about it.
Now, of course, I get it. That was an alter having memories from their own world, like Paul and Stephanie now, and me seeing/feeling those memories as if they were mine. How I wish I could go back and comfort that youngster trying to deal with being multiple; it might have made so much difference to me if I had known this about myself at the time. I know I ostracized myself even more by trying to follow the social rules of this other world, but I didn't know how else to incorporate both.
And then I 'forgot' about this. I haven't thought about that part of my life back then in many many years. Even when I started exploring being multiple, I hadn't connected the two. Until just now. What happened to that alter? Were they a 'wandering spirit' that didn't find a good landing point, so they moved on? Or maybe they are still locked up deep down in the back of my mind. Or maybe that was one of the alters I have now. So if we ever get to do a big 'test every alter' experiment, we need to be sure to have chess as one of the tests.
And that brings up something else. We've speculated before that I may have been multiple before my first marriage. This was several years before that. The memories from then are strong enough, even now, for me to now be certain that was an alter being expressed. So I was multiple by the time I was in my early teens.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Zoo Trip [Paul]
Last weekend, M's daughter took us to the zoo for Mother's Day. Yeah, so her mom wasn't exactly around most the day; she hung with me (Paul) and Kiara instead most the time. We had a good time 'cause it was our first trip to a zoo. We can look at M's pictures and memories of going to a zoo, but it's not the same thing as going ourselves.
Some of the things I liked. Sitting on the alligator statue head while sucking down the arctic blast drink and talking. Waving and making faces at the little baby at the show - she was probably 4 or 5 months old, I think. Watching M's daughter watch the little kids dance to the music.
A couple of quotes we heard little kids say while we were there. "Are there any Simbas?" Nope, no lions at this zoo, not yet. She was very sad; it was cute. And "When I grow up, I'm going to be All By Myself!" I guess somebody had too much family togetherness.
Some cool animals we saw. The meerkats are always a favorite. The serval at the show - when a serval is bred with a domestic cat, you get a Savannah cat - and those are cool pet cats - I think I want one someday. The Red River Hogs - they've got tufts all over there face and are really interesting looking. The red pandas look like stuffed animals. We petted the goats and stuff - they were all sleeping in the sun.
Something we noticed (had pointed out) about me or Kiara being out. Whenever we're around little kids and one of us is fronting, lots of little kids really notice us. They smile and wave and react really well to us. I like kids a lot, so this is fun. And Kiara likes people, generally. So maybe little kids 'see' us kids despite the big body, or maybe the way we move the body is more familiar to them. Or maybe they always react to our body that way because we look kind of weird with a shaved head and we're a girl body, but only me and Kiara notice and react back. It's a neat idea to kinda watch in the future.
Some of the things I liked. Sitting on the alligator statue head while sucking down the arctic blast drink and talking. Waving and making faces at the little baby at the show - she was probably 4 or 5 months old, I think. Watching M's daughter watch the little kids dance to the music.
A couple of quotes we heard little kids say while we were there. "Are there any Simbas?" Nope, no lions at this zoo, not yet. She was very sad; it was cute. And "When I grow up, I'm going to be All By Myself!" I guess somebody had too much family togetherness.
Some cool animals we saw. The meerkats are always a favorite. The serval at the show - when a serval is bred with a domestic cat, you get a Savannah cat - and those are cool pet cats - I think I want one someday. The Red River Hogs - they've got tufts all over there face and are really interesting looking. The red pandas look like stuffed animals. We petted the goats and stuff - they were all sleeping in the sun.
Something we noticed (had pointed out) about me or Kiara being out. Whenever we're around little kids and one of us is fronting, lots of little kids really notice us. They smile and wave and react really well to us. I like kids a lot, so this is fun. And Kiara likes people, generally. So maybe little kids 'see' us kids despite the big body, or maybe the way we move the body is more familiar to them. Or maybe they always react to our body that way because we look kind of weird with a shaved head and we're a girl body, but only me and Kiara notice and react back. It's a neat idea to kinda watch in the future.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Loose Again [Me]
We pulled Stephanie out of cold storage this weekend. We talked to Boss about it for a while, and then he held us while all of the folk in my head went to the storage inside our system, and opened the drawer and brought her out. I had to visualize a lot of this on purpose, because I'm not used to operating in that 'inside my head' world so much. And it felt weird to purposely leave my body, um, unattended, so to speak.
We did 'tweak' her as she was being brought back out. We tried to make her a little older. The approximately twelve-year-old Stephanie that had been was still suffering from fresh physical trauma. Paul had found her memory of it after she was shelved. So we tried to age her a little to a time when she at least wouldn't be physically hurting so much. And that succeeded. She doesn't really have a good handle on time, or on using numbers to count, so we can't be sure, but Paul feels pretty strongly that she's about fourteen now. She still limped and held her arm and mouth a bit awkwardly, but she also used her left her arm some and didn't hurt so badly.
Paul actually has become her caretaker, to some extent. I can't tell if this is temporary, or a job he's taken on long-term. But for the first few hours she was out, Boss had questions to ask her. And on her own, Stephanie doesn't answer questions very well. Boss and I have both agreed that she must be autistic. Many of the questions don't make sense to the way she thinks, or she may just fail to register that a question is being presented. So Paul shoved a lot of his energy into an attempt to be somewhat co-conscious with her, and helped her focus on hearing and trying to answer questions. Because she's mute, Boss was limited to yes-no questions. And some of those didn't have a yes-no answer for her, so I think he only got about half of them answered. 'Do you like...?' questions are particularly hard for her. As a slave, expressing wants and desires is a dangerous thing. Saying you like something could be a way to get it, but it could also be setting up a way for that to be used against you.
We were able to get a sense of Stephanie's history during those two years, in her own world. Apparently the incident came to the attention of the Master, as it involved a valuable horse. And she was hurt so badly that he actually called a doctor out to look at her, and she ended up confined to a bed for at least a few weeks, under the care of one of the house slaves. A few months pass, and the Master wagered a number of slaves in a poker game and lost, and managed to foist her off on the preacher who won the game. The preacher was actually a pretty decent guy, and decided to teach Stephanie at least a few skills that might make her at least somewhat desirable as a slave. About two years after the accident, he sold her again. This coincided well with the 'two years older' we were looking to slide her age, so she seems to believe that Boss is this new Master. And so doesn't really remember him from before going into storage.
Paul reported later that he could hear other people's voices in Stephanie's thoughts. Not like other alters, but her remembering things she's heard from people. One of the things he heard over and over was in response to those 'Do you like...?' questions. He kept hearing, "That's a trap." in a woman's voice, someone older than Stephanie - maybe her Mammy? Something he heard in the preacher's voice was a little more defined; "You're an ugly child, and dumb along with it. Ain't nobody gonna want you where they have to look at you. But you got nice titties, and you follow orders when yer payin' attention. You do what yer told, chile, and you'll make yer way."
Boss talked to her right away about following my orders when inside, and his outside. He also talked to her about not coming out except at home or when he tells her to - but I'm not sure if she got that. She nodded a lot like she understood, but most of her reactions to what he says are much more on the order of reacting the way she thinks he wants her to, rather than honest reactions. For instance, she agreed that she liked several things that sent shudders of panic through her, because she thought he wanted her to like them. I've warned him not to really put any faith in any of her reactions; ask Paul if he really wants something honest.
We did 'tweak' her as she was being brought back out. We tried to make her a little older. The approximately twelve-year-old Stephanie that had been was still suffering from fresh physical trauma. Paul had found her memory of it after she was shelved. So we tried to age her a little to a time when she at least wouldn't be physically hurting so much. And that succeeded. She doesn't really have a good handle on time, or on using numbers to count, so we can't be sure, but Paul feels pretty strongly that she's about fourteen now. She still limped and held her arm and mouth a bit awkwardly, but she also used her left her arm some and didn't hurt so badly.
Paul actually has become her caretaker, to some extent. I can't tell if this is temporary, or a job he's taken on long-term. But for the first few hours she was out, Boss had questions to ask her. And on her own, Stephanie doesn't answer questions very well. Boss and I have both agreed that she must be autistic. Many of the questions don't make sense to the way she thinks, or she may just fail to register that a question is being presented. So Paul shoved a lot of his energy into an attempt to be somewhat co-conscious with her, and helped her focus on hearing and trying to answer questions. Because she's mute, Boss was limited to yes-no questions. And some of those didn't have a yes-no answer for her, so I think he only got about half of them answered. 'Do you like...?' questions are particularly hard for her. As a slave, expressing wants and desires is a dangerous thing. Saying you like something could be a way to get it, but it could also be setting up a way for that to be used against you.
We were able to get a sense of Stephanie's history during those two years, in her own world. Apparently the incident came to the attention of the Master, as it involved a valuable horse. And she was hurt so badly that he actually called a doctor out to look at her, and she ended up confined to a bed for at least a few weeks, under the care of one of the house slaves. A few months pass, and the Master wagered a number of slaves in a poker game and lost, and managed to foist her off on the preacher who won the game. The preacher was actually a pretty decent guy, and decided to teach Stephanie at least a few skills that might make her at least somewhat desirable as a slave. About two years after the accident, he sold her again. This coincided well with the 'two years older' we were looking to slide her age, so she seems to believe that Boss is this new Master. And so doesn't really remember him from before going into storage.
Paul reported later that he could hear other people's voices in Stephanie's thoughts. Not like other alters, but her remembering things she's heard from people. One of the things he heard over and over was in response to those 'Do you like...?' questions. He kept hearing, "That's a trap." in a woman's voice, someone older than Stephanie - maybe her Mammy? Something he heard in the preacher's voice was a little more defined; "You're an ugly child, and dumb along with it. Ain't nobody gonna want you where they have to look at you. But you got nice titties, and you follow orders when yer payin' attention. You do what yer told, chile, and you'll make yer way."
Boss talked to her right away about following my orders when inside, and his outside. He also talked to her about not coming out except at home or when he tells her to - but I'm not sure if she got that. She nodded a lot like she understood, but most of her reactions to what he says are much more on the order of reacting the way she thinks he wants her to, rather than honest reactions. For instance, she agreed that she liked several things that sent shudders of panic through her, because she thought he wanted her to like them. I've warned him not to really put any faith in any of her reactions; ask Paul if he really wants something honest.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Reflection and Supposition - Lost Souls? [Me]
I was explaining to someone last week about Paul and Stephanie coming with memories of their very own that are not part of my original experience base. And that led to some thoughts for here.
You see, I tend to be a fairly practical, I-can-explain-this kind of girl. I'm a fan of Science. And being multiple, well, psycho-science can explain that. At a reasonably young age, there was some trauma. My mind just couldn't take the pressure, and it cracked. It seized upon this great propensity I have for acting and using my imagination, and turned that into, "I don't want to be the person suffering this. So I'll be somebody else." And alters were created. At another point, my mind decided it didn't like something else that was going on and thought, "Gee, wouldn't it be great if I were somebody else again?" - and made another alter. And so on. So all these alters in my head are basically my mind playing make-believe so hard that it became true. Yeah, that's simplified, but in essence, it works.
So there are spiritual schools of thought around multiplicity. But when we speak of the spiritual world, you have to start with the fact that I'm Christian. And I don't really see any room in my faith system for multiplicity. Of course, there are lots of things that the Bible doesn't address, like flying in airplanes and why some people molest children and the evolving of rules to fit the situation. But it leaves me confused and wondering how my multiplicity fits in. A person is a soul in a body, and when the body ceases to function, they go to the afterlife; done. Well, the best way I can explain the existence of my alters is as 'extra souls' in my body. So how did they get there? Did too many people get sent to live in this body by accident? Or were there some loose souls running around, and my predisposition toward multiple personalities gave them a 'dock' to land on and move in?
With most of my alters, they can be explained as a 'different me'. Rubi is who I might have been at seventeen if I hadn't gotten pregnant and all. Kiara is certainly a mix of me as a kid and my daughter as a kid. Sam could be me in college years if I hadn't been a mom at that time. But what about Jarett? I guess I could stretch and say me if I'd been born male. And then Paul came along - and he has memories. Memories of things that never happened to me. Memories of places I've never been. And then Stephanie showed up with memories from nearly two hundred years ago! And how can I 'stage' autistic behaviors like she shows?
So how do Paul and Stephanie fit in? Can I believe that I have taken things I've read and heard and created their worlds so clearly? I mean, I do have a very strong imagination, but if that's the case, why don't I make-believe people who are from happier worlds than I am, or from science fiction universes? The memory pieces they showed up with are too strong; I can't convince myself they are fictional. So that leaves Paul and Stephanie, at least, as beings that existed before they were in my body. Loose souls, if you will. How they ended up not in their bodies, I couldn't say, but they both lived pretty awful lives; I would certainly expect them to have died young and traumatically. Maybe that's why Paul hasn't managed to age-slide any older than seventeen, and that rarely.
Perhaps the trauma that ended their residence in their original bodies made them sensitive to a 'broken' mind, like that of a multiple. And so they came to try living in my body for a while. I don't understand how they didn't go on to an afterlife, but maybe it's because they hadn't had any chance to have any goodness in their lives. I feel some obligation to grant them some happiness, happiness they obviously didn't get to have before I knew them.
Does that mean they will be with me until I die, and then we'll all go to the afterlife together? I don't know; I just don't understand enough to be sure. Maybe once they've had 'enough', they'll move on on their own. Enough what, I don't know. Enough happiness, pleasure, goodness, maybe just enough life. Being multiple is a challenge to my faith, frequently.
But what it does mean to me is that I don't feel it's right to have shoved Stephanie away into cold storage. She needs to have a chance to live and love and experience. Her being out still frightens me, but I'm going to work with Boss to bring her back out sometime in the next few weeks, and he's going to work with her and try to get her to a point that it's not a danger to have her in front.
You see, I tend to be a fairly practical, I-can-explain-this kind of girl. I'm a fan of Science. And being multiple, well, psycho-science can explain that. At a reasonably young age, there was some trauma. My mind just couldn't take the pressure, and it cracked. It seized upon this great propensity I have for acting and using my imagination, and turned that into, "I don't want to be the person suffering this. So I'll be somebody else." And alters were created. At another point, my mind decided it didn't like something else that was going on and thought, "Gee, wouldn't it be great if I were somebody else again?" - and made another alter. And so on. So all these alters in my head are basically my mind playing make-believe so hard that it became true. Yeah, that's simplified, but in essence, it works.
So there are spiritual schools of thought around multiplicity. But when we speak of the spiritual world, you have to start with the fact that I'm Christian. And I don't really see any room in my faith system for multiplicity. Of course, there are lots of things that the Bible doesn't address, like flying in airplanes and why some people molest children and the evolving of rules to fit the situation. But it leaves me confused and wondering how my multiplicity fits in. A person is a soul in a body, and when the body ceases to function, they go to the afterlife; done. Well, the best way I can explain the existence of my alters is as 'extra souls' in my body. So how did they get there? Did too many people get sent to live in this body by accident? Or were there some loose souls running around, and my predisposition toward multiple personalities gave them a 'dock' to land on and move in?
With most of my alters, they can be explained as a 'different me'. Rubi is who I might have been at seventeen if I hadn't gotten pregnant and all. Kiara is certainly a mix of me as a kid and my daughter as a kid. Sam could be me in college years if I hadn't been a mom at that time. But what about Jarett? I guess I could stretch and say me if I'd been born male. And then Paul came along - and he has memories. Memories of things that never happened to me. Memories of places I've never been. And then Stephanie showed up with memories from nearly two hundred years ago! And how can I 'stage' autistic behaviors like she shows?
So how do Paul and Stephanie fit in? Can I believe that I have taken things I've read and heard and created their worlds so clearly? I mean, I do have a very strong imagination, but if that's the case, why don't I make-believe people who are from happier worlds than I am, or from science fiction universes? The memory pieces they showed up with are too strong; I can't convince myself they are fictional. So that leaves Paul and Stephanie, at least, as beings that existed before they were in my body. Loose souls, if you will. How they ended up not in their bodies, I couldn't say, but they both lived pretty awful lives; I would certainly expect them to have died young and traumatically. Maybe that's why Paul hasn't managed to age-slide any older than seventeen, and that rarely.
Perhaps the trauma that ended their residence in their original bodies made them sensitive to a 'broken' mind, like that of a multiple. And so they came to try living in my body for a while. I don't understand how they didn't go on to an afterlife, but maybe it's because they hadn't had any chance to have any goodness in their lives. I feel some obligation to grant them some happiness, happiness they obviously didn't get to have before I knew them.
Does that mean they will be with me until I die, and then we'll all go to the afterlife together? I don't know; I just don't understand enough to be sure. Maybe once they've had 'enough', they'll move on on their own. Enough what, I don't know. Enough happiness, pleasure, goodness, maybe just enough life. Being multiple is a challenge to my faith, frequently.
But what it does mean to me is that I don't feel it's right to have shoved Stephanie away into cold storage. She needs to have a chance to live and love and experience. Her being out still frightens me, but I'm going to work with Boss to bring her back out sometime in the next few weeks, and he's going to work with her and try to get her to a point that it's not a danger to have her in front.
Monday, May 6, 2013
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