We Are A Rose Garden [Me]

On a forum about kinky multiples, I came across this bit of writing:

"Many people view DID as a vase that is shattered by trauma, one personality is broken into many shards and should be put back together to make a "whole person" again. Yet, it is far more like a rose bush that is hacked apart and each part starts growing independently of the others, developing their own root systems and preferences, being cut from the same bush, but ultimately not able to be just unified again as singular pieces. They are all parts of the original, but they have grown to be more."

The concept came from the book Set This House In Order by Matt Ruff. And I love this. Yes, at some unknown point in the past, 'we' were simply 'I', but then I got split into a number of pieces. Some of those pieces, like 'Mommy of a new baby' and 'wife' died off when they stopped being fed. Some of them, like 'Silent One' and its catatonia, went dormant for several years. Others took root and began growing on their own.

By the time I recognized my multiple nature a couple of years ago, we had several distinct rose bushes. Some planted close together, like Sam and Rubi, others that took root a bit further away, like Jarett or Kiara. Since that time, Jarett has gone dormant, but other bushes have been grown from a cutting of an old one - like Paul coming out of Cherish. And Grace and Lynn's bushes were so close together that they became indistinguishable from one another.

Although each of my alters came from the original 'I', and thus share some similarity in their 'bush', each one is different, pruned by their own experiences and thoughts into a different shape, just as a rose bush can be pruned by a gardener to be different, or be shaped by the quality of the soil it is in or the amount of nutrients and water it receives.

Two Holes [Me]

The earring is gone. Yesterday it got worse and worse, until Cherish was having to actively block the pain from it. On the drive to pick up the Boss from work, we all talked about it. Everyone had their reasons for just letting it go. We couldn't sleep on it; we couldn't wear headphones; we risked it getting hit during play; the health consequences of repeated infections there. So we voted. Six votes to remove it. One vote to try it a while longer. And you'd think that vote would be Cherish, but I think she was tired of damping the pain. It was Paul. I still haven't learned his reason, but I suspect it has something to do with knowing it had been important to Cherish. So when we got home last night, Boss asked Cherish out and removed the earring, then had her clean the hole. And then he paid her a lot of attention for a while.

This morning we woke up more refreshed, because we hadn't woke ourselves up every time we turned our head. I feel better. I expected to feel some sadness, mostly from Cherish. But I think she said 'goodbye' to the earring as a mark of her Master's ownership when we removed the ring that was in there first. This bar wasn't hers in the way that one was. So it's just a sense of relief.

I once had three holes in one ear lobe and two in the other. And for nine months I had one in the top of my left ear. And now I have the standard two holes. I'm okay with that.

A Collection of Thoughts [Me]

I don't think the earring is going to make it. The hole's starting to feel and look infected again. And the new earring is too heavy; I can't sleep on that side while wearing it. Even Kiara seems to be wanting it gone - it gets in the way of our morning wake-up cuddling. Cherish is, of course, the main concern. But once the original earring was taken out, she doesn't seem to have the same attachment to the new one. And if it's better for the body for it to be gone...

We had another mash-up this morning. We woke up this morning with me out, but all mixed up with Kiara. And everyone else completely quiet. It wasn't uncomfortable, really, but it was different. Not like Kiara being out and me watching. The same kind of mash-up effect as Cherish had with Silent One last weekend.

Boss has tried renaming Silent One. Instead of SO, he reversed it to OS, and he pronounces it 'Oz'. I suggested NoSSO, for Not So Silent One, would be better. Either way, it doesn't answer to the name, though. It doesn't know why he's making that noise at it. It did pick up a few deliberate noises, though. When it was all mashed up with Cherish, it may have picked up some understanding of language. It made a lip-smacking sound when he said 'kiss', and an 'F' sound for fingers. And he said it very clearly said, "Hi" at one point. I wonder if the language pieces will stick when it's not all mashed up.

This morning, when I was mashed with Kiara, she finally started getting sleepy. And maybe because we were so strongly mixed, I was able to 'see' myself taking her by her hand and leading her back to her room, tucking her in, and getting a nose-kiss goodnight. Then I was able to come back to the front, and my vision cleared about and I was in front all solo. It was very sweet.

We stopped doing our DnD gaming. I'm not doing any role-play gaming now. And it's making me want to write again. Writing/roleplaying is therapy for me. My own self-directed therapy. I'm thinking about looking up my old Star Trek RPG. Or maybe writing some fiction. I might get some friends to co-write with me. I've always enjoyed things I've co-written better.

Sam has started doing a little bedroom role-play with Boss. In the middle of sex or cuddling or whatever, he'll say something to indicate what 'scene' he's feeling like, and Sam's started jumping right in to play that role. She's the most verbal of us during sex, and the most 'out for fun', so it makes sense that she'd jump in for that.

We saw Bear last night. Once a week, we've started going to a trivia night thing that he's doing. And Sam's been the one going to it. She's enjoying hanging with him, and she's got a 'date' to play with him this weekend. She's made no pretense to him of being Me, but he hasn't acknowledged it. He also hasn't shied away from it. He also hasn't, say, asked after Kiara, who won't come out around him at all. Might be interesting for aftercare this weekend.

Well, there's a bunch of collected thoughts for you. They actually are connected to each other, if you know where to look. None quite justifying their own post. But these are things going on with us right now.

Silent Mash-Up [Me]

We are often co-conscious. I'll slide back and forth with Sam, or Sam with Rubi. We can't really say which is most in control, because two of us are. Most of the time, the mix is pretty obvious and predictable. For instance, last Saturday at the club, we were invited to 'top' someone. In the kink world, that means that we were the ones doing. And Rubi's the only one who has a real interest in topping. But Rubi does have a tendency to go too far, so I usually co with her to do the 'responsible caring' part. I make sure we check in on our victi... bottom, and I do the negotiating. That's a co-conscious mix that I'm accustomed to.

After that scene was over, though, we (Me, Sam, and Rubi) played with Boss. And played hard, until he and we were so worn out we couldn't hardly stand up. It was wonderful. But then it got... difficult. The three of us 'big girls' (Kiara's term for Me, Sam, and Rubi) pretty much just passed out. Unfortunately, nobody took back over, so the body was, for all intents and purposes, unconscious. Boss tried to wake me up and call me out, but I was too deeply asleep to answer. Finally, he managed to get Cherish out to take over. Normally, that would be fine, but while we were all 'out', Silent One apparently came partly out. It often does when the body is otherwise unattended, but only at home. The club is NOT a good place for it to manifest.

If anyone should be co-con with Silent One, it should be Rubi, or Me. My last choice for that would be Cherish. It's earthy, raw, primal, violent. She's... none of those things. And both are the least verbal we have, so they can't even tell Boss what's happening. Cherish was able to control walking and direct answers, and hands; just enough to get to the car and sit, then enough to walk to our room. Silent One... feasted on the sights on the way. It was hungry to see what things were, especially since it had never been outside before. Neon lights flashed, cars and people moving, and it had no context to know what everything was.

But Cherish held a sort of mental cage around it enough to get home. Until we got out of the car and started walking through wet grass. Grass is something Silent One knows. It has looked out the window wanting to get into the grass - again, it was wet that night; I don't know if that's relevant. But we nearly dropped down to play in it, taste it, roll in it. Cherish thought quickly and covered our eyes with one hand, and that held everything long enough for Boss to get us inside. He's said since then that he had hoped Silent One would never actually get outside, and I agree. But it's done; we'll see what kind of ramifications roll off of this event.

Wig Shopping [Me]

Now, you must understand, first, that I am purposely bald. We get Boss to shave our head every week or two. I love having super-short hair - just enough fuzz to give some color. It's simple and easy and I like the queer butchy look it gives me. It also means that, should I want some hair, I can wear a wig. A few months ago, we bought a wig, a short, stand-up for attention bush of dark and red unruly uneven bits that suits Sam or Rubi really well. We don't wear it often, but we really should, if nothing else than just to get used to wearing it.

So Kiara's been wanting a wig for her, also. She wants pigtails with ribbons, and bangs. And last night we went out shopping and bought a wig with bangs that we can tie up in pigtails. It's in the same dark color of our natural hair, and she's pretty excited about wearing it tonight. Tonight we're having a 'Punky Brewster' party at our club - all bright colors and 80's music. We're going to be an eyeful of neon and hyper kid.

While we were there, we also tried on a wig that 'feels' like Cherish to us. Unfortunately, it looked horrible with my coloring, as she is petite and has long blond hair, rather than heavy with dark hair like me. But it felt very good to her to try it on and see our face with her hair. Maybe we can compromise with a very light brown one sometime?

I would love to have a wig for each alter that wants one, lined up on a shelf of wig heads. Even better, I'd like to get the good wig heads that can be made up, and fix them to actually look more like each of us. Eye color, makeup, and coloring can all be adjusted, at least. My creative daughter could probably help with that. Of course, with wigs running from $30 up to a hundred or more, easily, and the good wig heads running about the same price, that's going to just be a dream project for a while. But someday, maybe.

Rubi wants henna-red dreadlocks, or at least tight kinky curls. Paul wants a mohawk, with green on the tips. I just want to be comfortable, so the bald look works great for me. And Gracelyn should have a librarian's bun pulled back at the base of our neck.

Earring Replacement [Me]

On January 1st of this year, Boss pierced my left ear and put in a captive slave bead earring to show his ownership of Cherish. He also offered the rest of us a braided collar as our dominant, but the earring was specifically hers as his slave.

Unfortunately, we've had problems with the earring on and off since the piercing. There's a spot above the hole that keeps getting infected, and the bead has come off and rolled away a couple of times. We were afraid to take the ring out for a thorough cleaning because we weren't sure it would go back in. And it has been terrible to try to sleep in.


So last week I ordered a new earring, a post made of niobium, hoping the change in material and shape might help. And yesterday the new earring arrived. Just in time, too, as the infected place flared up again and the bead came off again - both yesterday. When we got home last night, we removed the old earring, cleaned everything up, and inserted the new post, along with a very generous dollop of Neosporin all over it. We couldn't use Neosporin when the old one was inserted because the hole was raw and we needed it to heal with the scar material as a hole, and not close up.

Here is a picture of the new post after we got it in. So far, no swelling. It is noticeably heavier, and I haven't tried sleeping on it yet. Careful propping of pillows kept me on my right side all night. Tonight we'll see what happens when I try the other side.

After we inserted the new earring last night, Boss brought Cherish out. She felt very sad to me, almost solemn. Every time the old earring got messy, she had some panic that he would decide they had to remove it - and with it, perhaps, her sense of being claimed by him? I had hoped that by simply replacing the earring, everything would be fine, but I'm sure that was part of why she was so quiet and unhappy.

I realize, now, that I did her a terrible disservice by taking care of the earring issue, then letting her out, rather than having Boss talk to her first and let her participate in the changeover. It wasn't my earring to change, and I shouldn't have messed with it. And I don't know how to make apologies to her for that.

Cherish hasn't been out very much lately. She won't push herself out unless Boss is having a pretty hard time and needs her to comfort and stabilize him. Otherwise, she patiently awaits being called out, just as she waits to be dismissed to go back in. And she just hasn't been called out very often. Boss has been trying to figure out just what to do with her. She doesn't do cleaning and household projects very well; Gracelyn has taken on those jobs. If Cherish begins them, she fades back out as soon as Boss is out of the room. And while she is working on them, she feels terrified that she doesn't know how to do them correctly. I think what she needs is someone standing over her dictating her every move - which also terrifies her, but in the right way. But Boss doesn't have the time or energy to do that, and he's just not a micro-manager. But we have to find some function for her to fulfill within the function of being his slave. She needs to feel needed.

The Meronym Sims Family [Me]

Last night we were playing The Sims, and created characters similar to each alter. Boss was enthralled (and so were we), and suggested I should put a copy here for everyone - and isn't it cool? From the left, Cherish in front, Gracelyn behind her, Kiara in front, Me in back, Paul in front, Sam in back, and Rubi on the right. Of course, there's no Silent One; I'm not sure how I would create that.

Boss said that they were all really obvious to him, both from his knowledge of them, and the pics in the albums on Pinterest for each alter. Except for Cherish. He didn't see her quite like that, and had trouble placing her. He never did answer how he does see her, though.

And of course, the characters aren't exactly a match for how everyone looks in my head, but it's close. For instance, the ages - you have five choices - infant, child, teen, adult, and elder. I put Kiara and Paul as children, but they aren't really the same age. Kiara should be a little younger than shown, and Paul should be a little older. I put Cherish and Rubi as teens. Rubi is 17, but Cherish is 19. And I wanted to put Gracelyn as an elder, but that only comes up with quite older characters, and no choice but grey hair.

And the clothes weren't exactly what any of us would pick, either, given unlimited choices. But they at least got the spirit of each alter correct, so we're pleased. It was neat to see each person go co-conscious to help pick their own looks and clothes and stuff.

I played the family in-game for a couple of days' game time. And it's really hectic and busy and hard to keep up with. On his own blog, Boss wrote, "But seeing them wonder[sic] around in sims reminds me of how chaotic it is in their head sometimes with everyone milling around."

Where's the Queer Symbol? [Me]

Today I was browsing the internet looking for a symbol for 'Queer'. We all know the rainbow flag, and the venus & mars symbols, even the leather pride flag (if you don't know these, go look 'em up; I'll wait). But I'm not gay. I'm not straight, either. Well, I am; we aren't. We wrote a blog about being queer before. And I was thinking, surely there's a queer symbol. An easily identifiable something that shouts to those that know, "Hey, me too!" I can wear a Jayne hat or an Horgahn symbol or do the Vulcan salute to identify myself to fellow geeks. I can tuck an handkerchief in my back pocket to identify myself to fellow S&M folks (black and grey on the right). I can wear my collar to identify myself as taken in the kink crowd. But how do I identify myself as queer? I can't find anything.

The closest I found is the Lambda. From something I found online: "Lambda represents synergy, the concept that the whole is greater than its independent parts. Spartan platoons consisting solely of men who loved men are said to have had this symbol emblazoned on their shields. In 1970, the Gay Activist Alliance in New York chose the lambda as a symbol of gay liberation, and in 1974, the first International Gay Rights Conference adopted it as an international symbol. Initially, some gay men used the lambda as a way to meet each other without fear of discrimination." So it's a gay symbol, but I like the description - "the whole i greater than its independent parts." And from http://www.lambda.org/symbols.htm I found things like:

• Simply, the Greek letter "L" stands for "liberation." 
• The Greek Spartans believed that the lambda represented unity. 
• The Romans took it as meaning "the light of knowledge shining into the darkness of ignorance." 

I wish 'Queer' had its own symbol, separate from 'Gay' or 'Kinky'. If anyone knows of one, please tell me about it.

Reader Survey [Me]

I would love to know more about who is reading our blog. I would really appreciate it if you would go over to my Reader Introduction page and tell me about yourself. If you have ideas for posts you'd like me to write, questions you'd like me to answer, that's the place to tell me.

New System Map [Me]

We've been working on a new system map. Now that we're back to eight people, we needed a new design. As a reminder, here's the old map:

With Grace and Lynn combined, and Jarett gone dormant, the rooms needed redone. And Silent One needed its own room, now that it was becoming more active like a 'real' alter. We weren't using the Quiet Room as such. And the Sharing and Watching Rooms were kind of flowing together.

The first notice we got of any redesign was before Grace and Lynn combined. Kiara told the Boss something about a space being made for Silent One; a space full of plants and trunks and vines and noises; a jungle room. Several times we find Kiara with scraps of paper on the floor, moving them around to show relationships between alters. Then Grace and Lynn combined and Jarett decided to use that opportunity to go dormant. Now we eight names on paper scraps, plus the functional rooms. We were having trouble coming up with a design that worked.

One day, I was at work, and noticed Kiara sketching during a meeting; I tried not to watch, and let her go ahead. She put us all in an octagon, with a smaller octagon inside as a public space. Then she decided maybe I needed a bigger space, and extended it outside the larger octagon. And shoved a 'closet' for Jarett in the back of Gracelyn's space. And I noticed it looked a lot like an IDIC, which is a symbol I use to represent myself many places online (left). It represents a philosophy of encouraging folks' differences as strengths, and includes notes of tolerance and acceptance.


The last couple of days, we've been working on a new floorplan-design based on the IDIC (right). You can see where those alters that easily switch one to another are close by. The kids are next to each other, the folks that do S&M play are together, and the ones with a service orientation are together. Silent One is pushed to the end of the hallway/mingling area in its Jungle Room. And there is storage behind Gracelyn's area for Jarett. I did get a strong feeling that multiple storage spaces needed to be created back there, so I wonder what else might be back there. In gray around the middle is open space where everyone can mingle, watch what's going on inside and out, and prepare to come out in control. And in the center is the Interface. This was a sort of front office or receptionist's area in the former floor plan.

So we'll see how this new plan works for now. I couldn't work it up on blueprint-type software; none of the free programs I've used before would support an octagonal building. But I'm still pretty pleased with the way it turned out.