Parental Pride [Me]

When I was a young mother, I lived with my best friend, my almost-sister. She had a son only a few months younger than my daughter. So for all intents and purposes, the two of us were parents to the two toddlers. They were raised as brother and sister. As they got older, even when we no longer lived together, I continued to claim the boy as my own. He is now 21 years old, living with several other people his age while going to college. I'm terribly proud of him. Especially when I receive a random text from him like this:

hey thanks for showing me how clean things are supposed to be, and how money is to be used, and trying to put math into my mathless brain, and feeding me

I'm very proud of that boy.

We were going through the town where he lives recently, and stayed with him for the night. When we got there, he was all frustrated because he hadn't been able to arrange the house to his frustration. They had only recently moved in, and his roommates didn't see arranging the furniture as the priority that he did. So he was a bit apologetic when we got there. "But the bathroom," he said, "the bathroom looks good." When he was a middle-school-aged child, cleaning the bathroom had been his job. He wiped down the mirror and the sink, and cleaned the toilet, and I gave him a dollar or two for it. And he always did a very thoughtful job, trying as hard as he could. So I checked out the bathroom. And it was clean. It was well-decorated and neat and supplied.

The boy had done good. Which means I had, as well.

Armpit Hair [Me]

Go read this first:
How my armpits inspired me to make conscious choices

These are my thoughts on the matter, posted on Facebook:

I shave my pits because I'm 'supposed to' and because people important to me have expressed it as a preference. But I hate shaving them. It makes me aware of my fat and my inability to contort myself in the ways necessary to do so. It means that I am self-conscious about when the last time is that I shaved and whether the shirt I've chosen for a day exposes that. This is one part of 'femininity' I have long considered trashing, along with the makeup and piles of jewelry I gave up long ago.

Catching Up [Me]

I want to write more, but things keep coming up, and I'm too busy to have a few minutes. Or am I just procrastinating dealing with it because there are easier happier things to deal with first?

We're still dealing with my father's death. This weekend we went out of town to pick up some of his stuff from his wife. It was a really annoying weekend; she didn't have things ready and kept putting us off. We were all sick or injured - Boss and my daughter went with me - and I'm still feeling crappy health-wise. There was no sleeping, since an impromptu party sprung up at the house in which we were staying. I made several fails in my planning and time and money management for the weekend. The club we visited while down there had a power outage. It was just a stressful trip. But it was also fun. When you reach a certain level of 'fail', you just throw up your hands and give up on anything planned. We reached that point and then just worried about enjoying each others' company. So we had fun, just didn't accomplish much of what we set out to do. Or what I set out to do, at least. And there's still things going on.

I'm definitely feeling stressed and depressed. Unfortunately, in trying to help me deal with that, my family made it worse last night. I really needed to get some things done and then have some time not with anyone else. I already have a tendency, when I come home, to need a few minutes to get settled in without anyone making any demands on me. But last night was like a magnification of that. Everyone seemed to want to talk to me or create something I needed to interrupt what I was doing to deal with. I know the idea was to support me and comfort me and tell me I didn't have to work on stuff right then. But I needed the stuff done so I could relax, and I needed left alone to get the stuff done. It was an ugly spiral, and I'm still really stressed about it. I got up early this morning just to have some time where no one would talk to me.

And I'm teaching this afternoon. I've got to be all happy and authoritative and friendly. When really I just want to curl up in my cave and read a book.

I made a cave in my closet with some pillows and a book and a light. I'm finding I need a retreat spot a lot lately. I think there's a new alter that needs it. Either a new alter, or an evolution of Silent One, since there are some similarities, and I don't 'see' Silent One anywhere. This one's human, at least, but I think somewhat feral. And non-verbal. At least this one's need to hide in the back of the closet is easier to deal with than some of Silent One's behaviors, or even those of the kids sometimes.

It seems that Paul's system has reorganized a bit. It started a while back, when Baby Paul Age 2 and Baby Paul Age 5 apparently merged into Baby Paul Age 3. Now Paul Age 8 and Paul Age 11 seem to have merged into Paul, age 9 or 10 maybe? So we have Big Paul (14), Middle Paul (9-10), and Baby Paul (3). I think that's easier to deal with? I don't know what it means, that he's consolidating. I know his Age 2, 5, 8, 11, and 14 choices had to do with the age he was when certain events happened in his 'other world life'. Maybe going to new ages means he's attaching himself to this world and this life more than the other one? He's trying to figure out how to relate to Boss more/better. And Boss is trying very hard not to pressure him and to make it easy for him.

I haven't had a whiff of Cherish or Stephanie or the original Silent One in many weeks, or even Gracelyn. I don't know what that means. Are they gone? Are they just not needed right now? It's like the lights are off inside, and I can't tell what's going on. Even Rubi's mostly missing. I could really use her right now. I'm having lots of quick anger, which isn't normal for me. That's usually her arena. But she can't top, because I've torn some muscle in my arm. And she can't bottom heavily, because we slipped a disk in my back. She tries not to come out and be around Boss much because her behavior is detrimental to our attempt for him to be dominant over my system. So she has no outlet, and I think her anger is 'leaking' out to me.

The only alters that seems reasonably normal are Kiara and Sam. Sam pops out for quick moments, as she's always done, and Kiara comes out when she wants to and is very strong, then stays away when she wants. She's not as happy as she used to be, and hasn't been for months, but she's very strong. Now that my daughter is living back in town, I know that's pleased Kiara a lot, but they haven't spent much time together, even so.