Dual Modes [Me]

We've discussed several times recently with Boss or Gracelyn that everyone in our system seems to have (at least) two 'modes'. We have the behavior you normally get with that alter, and then their other behavior that you get just sometimes. The second behavior set isn't another alter, but just a different way the same alter reacts.

Now, for myself, I have a lot more that two modes, but I'm also out more often and have been around for more time. For instance, I'm a mother, an employee, a girlfriend, a teacher, depending on where I am and what's required of me. But most alters only come out in certain situations or realms, and thus could have only one behavior mode. Yet they've mostly developed a second aspect, which gives each more depth as a person.

Silent One - Active and Inactive
Silent One is usually the last one I'll use for examples and comparison lists, but this is the most vibrant example. In its original mode, Silent One is completely catatonic - thus its name. It will give a minimal response to the strongest of stimuli, which usually involves pulling away until the stimulus stops. And that's it. But as its world became a safer place to exist, Silent One developed an active mode, in which it behaves like a tamed-but-not-domesticated beast. It sniffs and growls and investigates its environment.

Paul and Baby Paul
Describing Paul as having two modes is cheating a little; he's a multiple system within our multiple system. But generally, Paul is a fairly typical boy, though he can slide in age from 8 to 14 years old. But after he had been coming out for a while, he also started sliding to ages 5 or 2, and as Baby Paul he has a different set of behaviors. He's pretty a mostly non-verbal tot who is much more afraid of the world than Paul is normally.

Kiara - Happy and Sad
I think this is more just how her personality is, because my daughter was the same way as a little girl. But when Kiara is happy, she's very happy - and everyone around her will be happy, too, if she can charm them into it. But when she's sad and pouting, the world is a dreary dark place. She does depression as enthusiastically as she does happiness.

Sam - Bratty and Sexy
When we are not in a scene, Sam is very mouthy and snarky. She teases and makes fun of everyone - and laughs so enthusiastically that they generally forgive her and laugh along. But when we are in a scene, she usually is much less mouthy. She is much more sexy and sensual as she processes the pain and sensations.

Rubi - Sadist and Masochist
This one really comes down to Top or Bottom. As a bottom, Rubi is very reckless with our body, and pushes as far as she can take. She glories in the pain and suffering she's going through. As a note, she's much brattier than Sam when bottoming, actually. But as a top, though Rubi will still push her play partner almost as far as she would push herself, she has a much more pronounced streak of responsibility.

Gracelyn - Grace and Lynn
Gracelyn actually is a combined alter from two previous alters. Lynn is our 'den mother', our Counselor. She comforts people who are crying and also keeps notes on our schedules and needs, and she talks to Boss about how our systems are working. Grace is the 50's housewife type that does our housework and handles makeup and dressing up and such.

Cherish - the exception
I don't see two aspects to Cherish. She is the simplest of our alters. She desperately loves Boss and wants to do whatever makes him happy. It's possible that he does see two aspects, and he'll tell me. But in everything, the overriding emotional drive is loving him and trying to please him. So perhaps Cherish's 'turn' is coming. Maybe she'll evolve a second aspect before long?

That's all the alters, but there's one other duality to touch upon. We, as a group, identify pretty strongly with the primal, base side of us. We've chosen the coyote to identify with, and that primal basic behavior is a 'flip-aspect' for our entire system. Several of us tap into that primal energy - Rubi in her painplay, Sam in sex, Paul in his puppy play, Kiara when playing puppy (not the same thing). Obviously Silent One, and Me overall. I don't see any of the animal energy in Gracelyn, but I could argue that Cherish's simple acceptance of being owned is connected to that.

Boy Time [Paul]

So I've been out a lot in the last couple of days. There's a couple of munches that are 'mine' to go to. A munch is where a bunch of kinky people get together for dinner and hanging out. Anyway, one of the ones that are mine was last night. And the night before, Boss started talking to me while I was on the computer, and so I ended up staying out a lot that night, too. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be out two nights in a row because it's kinda like being greedy. Other people want out time, too. But I got the last two evenings, and it was pretty good.

Night before last, I stayed in my older range, 8-14, and really just hung out with Boss. We watched some TV, and talked - like really talked - about how we relate to each other. I told him about how certain things make me jumpy and sorta reluctant to do stuff, and he asked me about things that I really do like doing with him, like watching movies and other stuff. And we talked about how we want things to be with us later on, and what's most important about it.

And then last night we went to the munch. Before we got there, we changed into my clothes. Well, mostly my clothes - my boots and a compression shirt and a tank top and hoodie jacket. So when we got there, I was already dressed as me. And we picked up MK on the way there, too. He's a cool guy to hang with.

Of course, some of the people there knew it was me right off, and said hi to me by my name, and that's awesome when that happens. And other people thought I was the host, and greeted me by her name, and asked what's wrong. Everybody thinks something's wrong if they don't realize it's me. Boss says my normal face expression is close to her mad face. So at least it's easy to see who's paying attention to which of us is out when I show up somewhere. And Boss is cool about saying, "No, it's Paul; he's good." If, you know, they keep asking or something.

So getting to hang out somewhere other than the club or home as ME was good, even if we did have to get through the 'no, everything's fine' bit a few times. I even went around and talked to some people more than I usually do, and tried not to be so shy like I usually am.

And it was cool having Boss and MK both there. I'm not really sure what MK and I are supposed to be with each other. But at least there's definitely a relationship between his system and my system, even if I'm not sure about from me particularly to any of him particularly. But several times, like two or three, he came up behind me and hugged me and like kissed on my neck like. I mean, not sloppy making out kinda stuff, just a plop kiss once. And though I usually shrug it off and maybe giggle a little when that happens, I like that he's being like openly, um, affectionate with me - and particularly me, because he knew who was out, no doubt.

So when we got home I got to hang with Boss some more before sleeping. And he and I had some good time together for a while before he asked if Baby Paul could be out. That's my younger range, age 2 or 5. Baby Paul is a lot more scared, and he doesn't talk much. He can suck his thumb and that's about it. But he and Boss got some time together, and that's good, too. Especially, it's good that Boss asked for him out, instead of pulling him out and springing it on me.

So I was talking with the girls this morning as we got ready for work, and we figured a few more things about Baby Paul. It looks like nobody's ever really read books to him, because Boss read him Rumplestiltskin, and that was even too much for him to get; he didn't even understand that the stuff Boss was saying had anything to do with the book. Looks like Boss needs to back up to picture books and Dr. Seuss with him. I mean, I don't remember having any books till I was in school myself, so I guess that's right. Now I can read and stuff 'cause I have the host's skills mostly. But I hope Boss keeps playing with Baby Paul and maybe reading books or playing with toys with him or something.

MPD Dance [Me]

This weekend we drove to my daughter's college to watch a dance performance she was in. Not only as a dancer, but as a choreographer. We've been talking for months as she put together choreography for this one, because she did the dance about being multiple. Here's the music for the dance; you should listen to it while you read:

It was a long dance - six minutes - but she had a lot to cram in a short time. She had two dancers, one male and one female. The male dancer represented the outward appearance of the host body, and the female dancer was only in the mind. Because the male dancer had to be all the alters, there was a lot of 'face' acting required for this song. And because my daughter chose to use different styles of dancing to represent the behavior of each alter, the dancing was pretty demanding as well.

The first point where the dance got me was when her host dancer was doing a fairly strong dance, with the mind dancer writhing around on the stage nearby. I thought, "how distracting," and then smiled. Because yes, an alter writhing around in my head with one emotion while I'm trying to be solid and dependable and strong IS very distracting, indeed. Another part that I loved was seeing the merry-go-round effect I've tried to describe, where the host was spinning around, and the mind was pushing him around and around and around some more.

The dancers echoed each others movements at times, sometimes coming into unison dancing, other times splitting completely and competing for the audience's attention. And then occasionally they cooperated, like the moment when the host sat on the ground broken and hurting, and the mind circled behind him, comforting and encouraging, and finally helping him to rise up and face things again.

There will be a video of the entire dance show coming out soon. If we can get it cut down to a video of just that dance, I will come back to edit this post and include it. I'm terribly proud of my singleton daughter trying to design a dance to portray what she has come to understand about my multiplicity. It's a touching tribute, and I won't say that I got through it without tears.